Last night

[kyrie]

I say overt because your WH has not as yet gone into full on shame mode. He seems not yet to have understood his compulsions are out of control, that is why you could uncover it with Intel.

When you are dealing with an addict you need Intel, that is very different to snooping. Firstly Intel is to know the position, snooping picks scabs. For instance I checked WH computer and iPad to know if he was gambling, nothing on there, then I discovered he had used his phone instead and hidden it, I tracked his iPhone to discover he was where he should not have been. I didn't read his conversations or pry his Facebook pages. I needed to uncover if WH was lying to me, he was. Once I knew he was withdrawing cash, using a new PayPal account. I called it.

My view is different on this as I have been living with a cross addicted WH for a few years oblivious to the depth of his addictions. You need Intel, once you have it then anything further is snooping. If they know you snoop they will get poop.
This is damaging you if it is hidden. Also when they spew they know you have Intel and it limits a little more what they say. The more outlandish the spew the less plausible it is and the less either of you believe it.


One of my WH favourite spews was he didn't do alone, so I started marking the online calenders, with activities, then I drew his attention to the number of times he went out and played golf and went away etc etc. Eventually he said I go out so I am not alone. Then he said and you have driven away my friends. There was no way I could come someone only a fool would leave, because WH wanted to leave no matter what I did, he was a fool.

I agree with your coach or what I understood your coach to say. For me it isn't the actual addiction itself, it could be any of them. Many use porn, visit girlie bars and have a flutter but they aren't addicted. It is the need for the substance or behaviour that causes the problem. For me any of this, alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, etc etc aren't the issue. (A little hard line on illegal stuff though). The main issue is what addicts do to stay with their addiction, that aspect remains no matter what the core addiction/s are. For the record I am fairly soft libel on soft porn and girlie bars etc. Whatever floats your boat. My issue is with what the addict does with the addiction.

Addicts do the following
1. Absorb into their addiction, it comes first in their life
2. Spend their time and energy either in the addiction, thinking about it or finding resources to feed it
3. Ceasing normal activities to pursue the addiction
4. Ranting, spewing, lying, manipulating others to continue even when they know this is their behaviour
5. Using resources that should go on family life for their addiction including money, time and effort
6. Understanding their use of the addiction to themselves and denying it's effects

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Calling an addict on their addiction and it's effects isn't easy. This isn't about your R, it's about your boundaries. What you will and will not tolerate in your life. It is about saying this is the minimum I require including respecting these boundaries. Some addications (drugs, alcohol, anorexia etc) may need formal intervention with a group of concerned family and friends.

I see much of myself in you, that is the reason I think of denial and how very hard it is being with an addict.

And oh the spew the ranting etc, full blown. I even felt I deserved it.

V's abuse counsellors advice

V discussing how she believes contempt from WH is justified

On the last you will need to read to Jim's response, you can note how at that stage I felt I deserved to be treated that way. I believed WH spew. I had a Gamanon mentor and a specialist abuse counsellor.

This isn't about DB WH, it is about DB yourself.

I still sense you are resisting as if resisting will change things. Indeed this may sound strange but allowing your WH his addictions, his job to manage those and his behaviour is the hardest course of action. In this sense you are accepting and yielding that his behaviour is his. Accepting that WH is his own master and that what is under your control is your behaviour and your actions. Your boundaries.

At the time I joined DB I wanted to become a woman only a fool would leave, and yes WH behaviour caused me to be less than. I believed that my failures caused this reaction in WH. In actual fact it was his addictions that were causing the spew rants etc.

I eventually called WH on his behaviour, at first it was I have stopped etc. Then after we married it was "I don't need to stop, V this is all your fault because you are......"

Eventually I went "these are my boundaries, this is abuse"

When WH rants at you then record it. Don't react back just record it.

When you have a cool head, over a cup of coffee, replay it and listen as if you were a third party. Is what he says true? What might be his motive?

I replayed my recording to my Gamanon mentor (sponsor) and she was so frightened by WH spew and rants that we saw a victim support officer. I finally recognised the truth. It can help to replay to a safe uninvested third party. My abuse counsellor said she was too inexperienced to help with this level of rant and spew.

As the addictions increased and I enforced my boundaries then so WH escalated. My responses "I will not be spoken to in that way" and "please leave me alone until you have calmed down".

One of my tactics was the invisible headphones trick, playing gummie bear song Nuki Nuki in my head and tuning WH out. Not reacting at all, or STFU and walking away.

There was a technique I learned at work many years ago called blamestorming that helped me cope. Try googling blamestorming there is a book about managing conversations of the same name.

To confess I couldn't find much that helped on technique, much of it requires a willing other half to come to terms with it.

I created my own list of what to do and when WH started off then I decided what he was doing and behaved accordingly. You may need your own tactical stance.

I do understand how hard a journey this.

I will find the post I wrote on analysing reactions to spew and give you the link.

I see little conflicting advice in this, I confess. When in doubt your coach is the one to advise you. From what you write this seems core DB.

V

A lot to read through here (later)...problem is, most of what he says I do has truth in it. He says it in the worst possible/least helpful way, but there's truth enough. You say to call him on it but also to leave him to his addictions because they're his - did I get that right?
I admit, I'm NOT good at STFU, sometimes. I'm 1/2 French Canadian and 1/2 German. So I'm uptight, controlling and volitial. I may just go invade myself one of these days.