My H had an affair with his business manager in part, and I repeat, IN PART, because I wasn't meeting his needs at home. He also chose to justify the affair when it happened by telling himself our marriage was over and he was also suffering from depression and he felt that she was his ticket to happiness. Too bad he didn't consider telling ME the marriage was over, or consider a D first, or counseling, treatment for his depression, or even meeting MY unmet needs in the marriage. But he didn't. Then I found out about the affair and our world turned upside down.
We have since learned that we were BOTH at fault and we both needed to change. In our reconciliation process, we are doing this. I will tell you that my H desperately regrets having the affair, even though it has brought about a renewed marriage for us. My H lost an excellent business manager and a good friend upon deciding to reconcile with me.
I have a tendency to agree that upsetting the perceived peace and stability in a marriage is the thing to do to get the uncooperative spouse off dead-center and working on changing, but there are much more productive ways of doing so than an affair.
I believe if my H had gone to the trouble to file for a D and had me served, even with no other intention than to get my attention, we would have achieved the same end as the affair. I would have heard his "pain", and perhaps he would have been ready to hear my "pain" also, or discovered our mutual pain in court ordered counseling. That most certainly would have let me know of his desperation. Almost ANYTHING would have worked instead of having an affair. I DO NOT recommend the affair "shock and awe" under ANY circumstances. I believe you need to have the, pardon me, balls to end the marriage instead of getting involved in an extramarital relationship.
Just my 2 cents.
LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Quote: I believe if my H had gone to the trouble to file for a D and had me served, even with no other intention than to get my attention, we would have achieved the same end as the affair. I would have heard his "pain", and perhaps he would have been ready to hear my "pain" also, or discovered our mutual pain in court ordered counseling. That most certainly would have let me know of his desperation. Almost ANYTHING would have worked instead of having an affair. I DO NOT recommend the affair "shock and awe" under ANY circumstances. I believe you need to have the, pardon me, balls to end the marriage instead of getting involved in an extramarital relationship.
Hear hear. My W says she's been unhappy for years and crying out to me, but I was ignoring her. I tried to explain that blowing a dog whistle over and over again wont get my attention. I later on apologzied for being too wrapped up in myself to hear, and tried to validate her feelings. As for the affair thing, I told her recently if she had just filed papers, I would have been able to handle the affair much better than her telling me one weekend she wanted a divorce, then sleeping with OM the next weekend. Feeling the M is over is not the same as it being over, legally, or emotionally.
She swears he is a symptiom, not the problem, and I agreed with her, but he is also an ongoing problem in that he keeps feeding her what she wants, as they are in the "infatuation" phase and is a wedge between us.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
Oh man, I didn't intend to have the spotlight turn on me...ouch. This was more of a rhetorical question. I'm not even considering having an affair or separating. We are making a trickle of progress...enough to get rid of those crappy thoughts. I'm just trying to look at all the scenarios...even the bad ones.
Regarding my C...no, she didn't even come close to suggesting this. She just thinks that I take responsibility too frequently and that my W gladly hands it back to me which I agree wholeheartedly with. We absolutely need some help and my W definitely needs someone to really challenge her on some things. I'm sure some of you folks have been following our progress and it looks promising. But it is very clear that her heart is not in it (yet).
Sometimes my posts are "stinkin' thinkin'" because I'm feeling crappy. Between this paragraph and the previous, I talked to my mom about our problems for the first time....I came out of the closet and I'm feeling pretty good now.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: ... and my W definitely needs someone to really challenge her on some things. I'm sure some of you folks have been following our progress and it looks promising. But it is very clear that her heart is not in it (yet).
Wow squared. Bingo... same thing here. Are you sure you're not me posting under a different name? I have to check the IP addresses... maybe I'm going schizoid...
Seriously, that's what I'm hoping (against hope) will come out of the C W is going into tomorrow... I'm hoping C will challenge her and yell "B.S." when appropriate.
Also... Dave, I admire your courage in talking to your mom. My youngest sister just split from her H this year, they have a young (I think 8yo) D. Really sad sitch. So far the family seems to be taking it as well as can be expected, but we're planning a reunion this summer, and that's gonna be weird. I can only just imagine the reaction if it became known their oldest is also having problems and wondering about Dv. No way I can talk to any of them yet... not until things are much closer to a decision one way or another. That alone creates its own stress, of course...
Talk about using discretion, I'm going to Texas tomorrow to visit my folks because my dad is in the final fight of 10 years of cancer. My mom just put a hospital bed in the bedroom and had handrails installed in the bathroom.
3 plane tickets to Texas......$800
Dinner with the parents......$250
Dropping a bomb on your stressed out mom-soon-to-be-widow.......priceless
Maybe it will be a distraction and she'll feel happy to have another issue to "mentally" deal with.
After the call she said "Thank you...I really enjoyed talking to you about this".
We need a whole new website for dealing with the relationship between us and our parents. Hmmm...."coddlebusting.com"
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: I am interested in the ring you mention. Since I doubt I will ever walk voluntarily into a boutique that sells them, I will have to shop on line. If the ring has to be sized, I'll just get several in different sizes and colors. I just wonder if it would cause my H to become dependent on it in some way, though.
LG, if you want, I will get you one and send it by mail. You can give your mailing addy to our mutual friend, and I'll send it to you. One size fits all, they stretch. I recently learned about them in a moment of uncharacteristic braveness... and feel comfortable going back to the same place. Just let me know. I can get it tomorrow, but am then leaving for a horse show and will not be back till Monday.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
Quote: LG, if you want, I will get you one and send it by mail. You can give your mailing addy to our mutual friend, and I'll send it to you. One size fits all, they stretch. I recently learned about them in a moment of uncharacteristic braveness... and feel comfortable going back to the same place. Just let me know. I can get it tomorrow, but am then leaving for a horse show and will not be back till Monday.
Thanks SC, but there is no hurry, however I may hook up with you about it soon. Got lot's of time to play with my H. Besides, I haven't heard from our mutual friend lately anyway, he seems to be MIA. I hope I didn't scare him off.
Good luck with your show and have lots of fun!
AtlantaDave--didn't mean for you to feel spotlighted upon, but merely wanted to share my experience and thoughts. I will keep you and your family in my prayers as you travel and deal with this time in your father's and family's lives.
God Bless, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
A couple things: 1. Is anyone else wondering what's going on between lostgirl and AtlantaDave? Sharing cock rings? There's a bit of a weirdness factor there, don't you think? 2. Dave, I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. I lost my Dad about 6 years ago and still miss him so badly sometimes. 3. Getting "permission" from your W to have an affair has a very high creep factor. As the resident lawyer, I advise you not to seek permission, and generally, not to seek Love or Sex outside of your M. My 1st W had me convinced that every other woman had either herpes or AIDS. Then I saw "Fatal Attraction." Do you own a bunny?
Hairdog, who doesn't own a bunny, but once paid a vet $400 to set a broken leg on a rabbit.
I just wonder if it would cause my H to become dependent on it in some way, though.