I am there with you guys! I have been a complete pushover since BD. Our family therapist asked to speak to me privately without H or D and she told me I looked "defeated" and gave me a lecture on sitting up straight, looking people in the eye and expressing myself. It was a turning point for me. I have said before that in the months after BD if H had told me that he was angry that I wasn't licking the floor enough, I would have licked the floor. (OK maybe not that.)
About a month ago I just really started feeling differently about everything. I have stopped trying to solve everything and just let go. Not 100%. I have to fight urges to make a demand or express myself (right now I am fighting the urge to ask him if ow has contacted him while he has been away, but what will that accomplish?)
Trust me guys, when you let go you will feel so much better. I had a setback for a couple of days at Christmas, and every couple of days or so I have a few minutes of a minor panic attack still. So I am not 100% there, and I don't know if it is realistic that anybody could ever be 100% detached from a spouse. But I wake up content and looking forward to my day, and I fall asleep happy. I hold my head higher and I just KNOW I am going to be ok no matter what H does.
I think a human being can only go so long with carrying this heavy load of attachment and being in limbo, after a certain point you need to let it go or you will get sick or clinically depressed. I could feel it in my body and soul, that I just couldn't carry it anymore.
Dday and Mut, I think you are ready. I can sense a difference in both of your postings, I think you are ready to start feeling better and taking back some control of your own life.
