Mutatio - I just had a thought when I was catching up...
Is it possible, that in your desire to fix yourself and correct past wrongs, that you've "unmanned" yourself a bit? I hope that makes sense.
Women are rarely attracted to men they see as weak. They want a leader, someone strong. If she walks all over you, and you just roll over and play dead when she does, that may be the problem.
It's possible to be a strong, silent man - in fact, that's the preferable course. But if she's seeing you as "weak", well - that's not good.
Stew on that for a bit, and let me know what you think?
No need to stew, the answer is yes. In 2008, my bad behavior caught up with me and I had to stop being an a$$hole. When I stopped the bad behavior I replaced it with a weak compliant behavior. I've been this way for 7 years, but this past year was the worst with her considering divorce. I think I am afraid of my wife. The EA/PA really did a job on my head.
This must be one of my goals. I will begin detaching by the spring, I sense its close and with it the opportunity to a stronger man, a better version of me.
I'm right with you mu. I let my xw walk all over me after bd. Now, I am putting the pieces back together. It's long overdue. Once I get myself put back together, this will be so much better. Maybe a bit easier, even if it doesn't work out.
I think we have quite a bit in common. I am on a similar path.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I am there with you guys! I have been a complete pushover since BD. Our family therapist asked to speak to me privately without H or D and she told me I looked "defeated" and gave me a lecture on sitting up straight, looking people in the eye and expressing myself. It was a turning point for me. I have said before that in the months after BD if H had told me that he was angry that I wasn't licking the floor enough, I would have licked the floor. (OK maybe not that.)
About a month ago I just really started feeling differently about everything. I have stopped trying to solve everything and just let go. Not 100%. I have to fight urges to make a demand or express myself (right now I am fighting the urge to ask him if ow has contacted him while he has been away, but what will that accomplish?)
Trust me guys, when you let go you will feel so much better. I had a setback for a couple of days at Christmas, and every couple of days or so I have a few minutes of a minor panic attack still. So I am not 100% there, and I don't know if it is realistic that anybody could ever be 100% detached from a spouse. But I wake up content and looking forward to my day, and I fall asleep happy. I hold my head higher and I just KNOW I am going to be ok no matter what H does.
I think a human being can only go so long with carrying this heavy load of attachment and being in limbo, after a certain point you need to let it go or you will get sick or clinically depressed. I could feel it in my body and soul, that I just couldn't carry it anymore.
Dday and Mut, I think you are ready. I can sense a difference in both of your postings, I think you are ready to start feeling better and taking back some control of your own life.
“What a strange illusion it is to suppose that beauty is goodness.” — Leo Tolstoy
My wife does not seem to have any interest in me. She has divorced herself from me emotionally. There is nothing left of our marriage except a piece of paper.
I'm sorry to hear that, Mu but maybe that's what you need in order to work on yourself and move forward. Easier said than done, I know. Only reason my ex and I talk is because we still have a piece paper legally binding us together and our kid.
Mutatio, maybe your wife is fighting demons of her own?
Like what the other dbers have said, use this time to work on yourself and be a better man. Give your W a pleasant surprise when she wakes up from her fog.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I love that statement from grl. A pleasant surprise when she wakes from her fog. That's a great way to look at it for now.
Mu, I will tell you that for me (and probably you too), that piece of paper is nothing but tax status. To the was, it's been over for a long time. For us standing, that document doesn't mean much.
Much love for you mu. We will all be better when we reach the other side.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
