Here again after 9 years and struggling 3

[Zues126]

Originally Posted By: Zues126
This is short term. Remember that. In the not too distant future there will be a schedule where he has to pick up the kids, or you drop them off at his place.

I wouldn't do anything about it until you reach that point. You can't force him to do anything anyway, and anything you do will come across as controlling...in the way he'll perceive it you'd be 'using the kids to control him'. Don't do it.



I see what you're saying Zues, but what about doing something about what it is doing to my kids? Would a text asking if he's still coming still be perceived as pursuing/using kids to control him? Why should he get to just treat everyone however he likes and have no consequences whatsoever? There must be some way of making the situation better without it being seen as controlling?

Wow, the old "I get it...BUT" followed by sentences that demonstrate a clear lack of understanding.

I think 'protecting your kids' from him could turn out poorly. Look, there are things he can do that will hurt your kids that you simply can't legislate against. If he moved to another country and never saw them again it would destroy your children. What can you do to prevent that? What if he isn't emotionally available? What if he raises his voice a lot when they're together, but doesn't do anything that 'crosses the line' with any type of social service?

You can't control WAH's behavior. And if there is one place in the universe you shouldn't ever, ever be, it's between WAH and his children. You may be mama bear and want to protect the children, but being between a man and his kids is not doing the kids and favors.

It's his show. The more you do to try to control or influence it, the more he'll resent you, and the more he'll act out to show you that he's not under your influence anymore. I suppose you could use this if you wanted full custody, just try to control when and how he sees the children and use each potential visit as a reason to reach out to him and try to control his behavior, judge him, criticize him, and explain where he's failing as a person. Do that for a month and he'd probably never want to see the kids again, and then you can claim custody! But assuming you're not pure evil I'd say DON'T do that and just let him do his thing.

As for 'setting boundaries', you've got to be very careful when it comes to this type of thing. Yes, it's not considerate for him to do this. It hurts the children. It could disrupt your schedule. But here's the thing...this will change so soon. Truly. Time will fix this problem. There is simply no way in 90 days this will be going on. Some things will have changed, and you will either have a nailed down visiting schedule that he is accountable for, or something will be different. Pick your battles, don't pick one you can't win that doesn't need to be fought.

Oh, I'm not saying there is nothing you can do to gently and respectfully steer things...but I don't think you can do that yet. Because the bold is what I hear in everything you say and do about this. "It's not fair." This sentence is all about being hurt and wanting revenge. How dare he hurt you? How can he get away with this? How dare he hurt my kids? How dare he be able to go live this sleazy double life, find some OW, and have me do day care for him so he can go screw around, etc, etc, etc. You're hurt and it's obviously not fair, so let's just use the power you have over the children to jerk the leash and show him he can't do this to you and the kids and get away with it...spew text messages and knee jerk controlling behavior, zap, there, take that you A-hole H! Ick. Just looks gross to me.

Don't score keep. Don't act on emotions that generate from anger, pain, neediness, or fear. Just work on being the best woman you can be, and operate consistently from a place of peace, balance, and alignment with your core beliefs. When you are in your calm, peaceful, meditative stance...when the timing is right, and things are starting to shift, and there are several options available he's offering up on how to schedule, go ahead and pick the one you think is best. Do it without explaining why, without criticizing his choices or past behavior, without making him know your displeasure...just opt for column B and move on quietly. A little grace right now is what's needed. This will pass. The kids will live. His problems are his to deal with. And the funny thing is, the more you butt out, the more he'll have to own them, and I wouldn't be surprised in the least for him to step up and be an outstanding dad...at which point you'll feel it isn't fair that he never did that when you were together.

OK, no edit button, I probably got carried away a bit. My advice...post what he's doing and get DB advice from vets or those that have evolved well beyond this emotional state and can steer you from a good place and not an emotionally reactive one. Take care IP!