I wasn't looking to have that talk. So I didn't have anything planned which I see now worked against me. I'm referring to a time frame and what kind of space. My mistake was assuming he is like me which he Isn't. I would have taken that request and coupled it with what I had put that person through for so long and just backed off conpletely.
I put my cell ringer off at night and forgot to take it off this morning. He called and text almost a dozen time each. All within a 2 hour time frame btw. When I looked at my phone I was just I don't know, pissed off I guess.
He cancels on getting my car taken in to the mechanic which was his idea to begin with and isn't around for yet another weekend so that he can do whatever he wants. And I don't call or text him (though I do answer his texts). And yet when he decides to call I'm not allowed that same freedom?
So as I was thinking this he calls again. After he grills me on what I was doing and why I was ignoring him. I sighed and just blurted out "I need space".
He waa quiet then said his boss was calling him and he would call me later.
He text me a while later asking me how the kids are and what I was doing. i replied that they are fine and again said. I just need some space.
He replied "okay...have a wonderful day beautiful"
I did not reply.
2 hours later: "hey beautiful I hope you and the kids are enjoying your day"
I did not reply.
I fell asleep when the kids took a nap and he had called 4 times. Then he called again when I was talking to my neice. He left a VM saying he just wanted to check on us.
I answered the following call that came in a few minutes later.
He asked me why I was ignoring him. I told him that I had already told him I needed space and he said okay. I wasn't ignoring him per se.
He wanted to know what was going on. Why? Who? What? Over and over and over...finally.
Me: I need this. I have a lot to think about. I wanted something for years and now I am not so sure anymore. I need to find my path and that is difficult to do when we interact as much as we do. I just really need space.
Him: Okay. I was just kidding when I said you were ignoring me. As you can see I haven't really bothered you today. Just a few calls and texts checking on you and the kids. I want you to know I love you though. And I'll give you space.
Me: Thank you. I gotta go. Enjoy your night XF.
Him: You too love
Then an hour later a couple of texts. One saying he wants to see the kids when he drops off some money (child support which he refuses to say) and exchange our cars to take mine to the shop. I said it was fine.
Last text was asking me if I would like him to bring us food from my favorite restaurant by his place when he comes over. To just let him know whenever. He was going to bed. Wished me a good night. I did not reply.
Maybe it will sink in better over night and tomorrow I will actually get space.
He didn't seem too different except when he got quiet. And me? I feel numb to be honest. If I had someone I trust to watch my babies for a week I would chuck my phone and go away.
And thanks for saying that Ancaire. I look at myself and what I say and do and see myself messing up at every turn.
Hola Pink...please do not apologize or say you are having a pity party. You're dealing with a lot with your XH, you are going through yet another hard time. And I hope your son gets everything squared away soon and can get on with work and life.
Also I am thinking of a business too. I hope you and the boys do great with yours. I was on your thread earlier today. I got exhausted just reading about all of your GAL activities!
I see what you are saying about NC and going dark. I do have too much contact with him. I just told him that I need space today. But before that I did get confused. He was not contacting much for a little bit and then when he started to that was something I wanted. So it gets confusing. Do I reply? Ignore? So i kind of did both. Ignored and replied with short replies about the kids. I'm sure that was wrong.
And yes! I wanted him to just beg for forgiveness, promise his undying love and for us to be in love and happy and faithful forever more. But he did not and now I don't know what I want. The longer we are apart the more I see that though I was happy with him for so long I see how sad I was with him during and after A. How I can not trust him. How I am always looking over my shoulder waiting for ow or new ow to contact me. It's not how I want to keep living.
And he swears ow is over and done with and those girls mean nothing to him and he never met any of them. I would like to believe him. But with our history.. How can I.
But I love him. The other him. I want my family together. I want him to raise our kids. I want him. Yet I don't. I get mad that he doesn't seem to know what he wants and yet neither do I.
You said about attracting him back. Funny, because the real me...before I was beaten down by his A and before my self esteem got squashed to zero after his hook up sites and those 20 year old model looking girls...well that Rain would have told him to take a long walk off a short plank and I wouldn't have looked his way again. And THAT is the Rain he fell in love with.
I need to find myself again. For me. For my babies.
As for his phone. I will do my best not to let it bother me even though I want to take it and smash it. Or hammer it to death. Or ice pick it! LOL okay. I will try. I will.
We are supposed find and keep doing what works. What can I do when what seems to work is ignoring him. It draws him closer. It peaks his interest BUT right now I need space. How do I work around that? I don't want to push him further away but I need to not have so much contact with him. Even the small talk. I would rather do without it right now.
And I know some DBers are wishing to have that kind of contact. I am grateful he 180ed basically ignoring my and the kids existence but I need to find my way.
I spoke to a lawyer on the phone. He told me that I can go after child support (which I am) but nothing for spousal because we are not married. And that in our state even if we were married spousal support is iffy as the court's consider marriages less than 10 years as a short term marriage.
He said if I believe he or his boss are lying about his hours and wages to the child support agency that then he can help me by requesting for court to subpoena for bank records and bosses taxes and employee payroll etc. But that it can get pricey.
I have asked him numerous times about a set visitation schedule. He always has an excuse as to why that is not possible. And always makes the same promise of trying to do better to see them more often. Then he cancels when he asks to see them.
Pink. You and Zues and Ancaire seem to have a lot more faith in me and my ability to DB and GAL properly. Way more than I do.
You're not messing up. You're just trying to find your way in a difficult situation. You will figure it out. Considering all he has put you through, the least he can do is give you SPACE!
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Thanks MB. I'm scared. But my need for space is slightly stronger at the moment than my desire to be near him. Slightly. But just enough. Sorry you're still having such a hard time too.
Hi Rain, I don't know yr full sitch. There are so many on here it's difficult to remember them all but if you read yr interactions with XF from the point of view of YOU being the WAS.
He is pursuing, he is doing acts of service and words of affirmation, trying to have more contact,
Is this what works, is this a 180 for you....if so carry on do what works, keep to the 37 rules . Switch your phone off when you can, especially so you can get peace in the evening and sleep at night.
Good luck
Is
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Also it might be worth reading about building trust after infidelity so you have clarity about what you want from any R. Clarity and a plan, boundaries and a plan to keep them,
Knowledge is power, planning ahead so you protect yourself (and the kids)
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Much of my hard time is of my own doing. I know that I'm hurting myself by driving by H house. I don't do it to see if OW is there because she doesn't live around here. I do it because I want to see if HE is there. I guess my payoff is the momentary sense of relief I get when I see that he's at home & not with OW and that is, for me, stronger than the thought of what will happen if H isn't home, or if OW is there.
Don't beat yourself up for not knowing what to do. This is an incredibly stressful situation and how to deal with it is not something that they teach you in school. He has cheated and lied to you and now wants to act like nothing happened. That's rug sweeping behavior. If you do decide to open yourself up to working on your relationship, get him to answer all the hard questions for you first. Like...What will be different this time? How can you trust that this won't happen again? What can you both do to assure that this won't happen again. Is he willing to go to counseling with you? Is he willing to be completely transparent? Etc. It's okay to give yourself time to let your head quit swimming before making life altering decisions. You've been hurt and are afraid of trusting the person that hurt you. I am too! Eventually we will have to learn to trust again whether it is with our current partners or someone different. I love Dr Phil and think he has some words of wisdom that can help us......
"Learn to trust again — by trusting yourself. Trust is not about how much you trust one person or another to do right or wrong. How much you trust another person is a function of how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections. Don't invest more than you can afford to lose. While it's important to move forward, you need to take things one step at a time. Don't put so much out there that you'll be emotionally bankrupt if things go south."
It's food for thought anyway. I hope you have a great night and find some clarity soon. We all deserve some peace and happiness.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Rain, sweetheart. I'm sending you the biggest hug right now. (((Rain)))
It doesn't matter that you didn't have a speech prepared. You were honest and raw. Sometimes that makes way more of an impression than hitting certain bullet points.
I was reading your post above to Pink, and I was thinking to myself that you needed to toughen up just a bit, and you went and made that point yourself.
It is possible to get past an affair. There are so many resources out there for getting past that, that if/when you get to that point, I have no doubt that you will succeed.
I was thinking that your F needed to really work hard to get you back, or he will never respect you...you should be tough as nails to show him he really is in danger of losing you.
He needs to plead with you to take him back, vow to do whatever it takes, and then be held accountable. I believe he loves you and you love him. His actions have destroyed the old R - it's gone forever. You have a choice now. Build a new one, together - or go your separate ways.
Now is not the time for you to make that decision. Now is the time for you to take care of yourself. Get back in touch with the woman you are. Get strong. After you do that, you'll be in a much better position to make a decision.
Turn off your ringer at night so you can sleep. If he doesn't change his behavior at all, give him some rules! Rain, you need to scare the poop out of him. He has to realize that you have the same choices he does - you can walk out if you want to. He needs to treat you like the treasure you are.
At this moment, you're asking for space because you're an emotional wreck. Soon, you'll be in the position you need to figure out just what it is you need to be able to move forward.
If your request for space is something he chooses to use as justification for more misbehavior? That's on him, and it tells you way more than words ever will. He owes it to you now to behave himself and do whatever you need to help you heal.
Do I know how hard this is? Absolutely. Yes. I also know people don't really appreciate something they don't value. How he chooses to conduct himself right now? We'll see how much value he's placing on you.
You take care of yourself. The old Rain is still in there. I dissolved at first. I'd lost the old me after years and years of catering to his needs. I thought she was gone forever. In this past month...I'm so much closer to who I used to be than I've been in years. Old me just came bubbling back up after the pressure was released.
That's a sad comment on the state of my M, I know. I'm really thinking about things: What I want, what I need, what I should put up with.
I'll keep following you to see what's going on. You're really doing so much better than you believe. Keep strong. You have more strength than you realize.
