Don't know what to do anymore...

[JulieH]

Painter:

You have every right to be angry. I do too. Vanilla posted some imagery techniques to help so that I am not consumed by my anger. Truth is I never remember to do them when I am angry.
There are some posters on here that seem so forgiving and at peace and I am not like that so I cannot help you there.

[Ancaire]

Painter - I could have sworn I left you a comment!

The anger is hard to deal with. Some people say that anger is tied into fear. Is it possible there is an underlying fear that is triggering the anger?

I suppose mine would be "fear of abandonment" - but my H did a lot of the same things you're angry about. Giving my private letters to another woman to elicit sympathy and get her on his side for the purpose of dating her was probably the worst.

I'm not quite angry anymore - but I'm not quite over it, either. I guess in my case, my fear has happened. I've been abandoned - so what use is holding on to the anger.

I did make a conscious decision to forgive him, though. If you're still carrying anger, I'm not certain you've fully forgiven him. Maybe you need to spend some time sitting quietly with the feeling, and figure out what it is trying to tell you - there's a reason you're having the feelings.

Generally, true forgiveness sets you free. H doesn't care - well, not in the same way. Your anger was always about your feelings. So what is still bubbling away beneath the surface? A fear? A resentment? Something you're looking for, but are frustrated not to find?

You do need to figure it out so that you can be free. It'll choke your spirit if you're not careful. I like you too much to be willing to have that happen.

[V2pt0]

Painter, I still struggle with feelings of anger and hurt every day, though I seem to be able to redirect my thoughts quicker than I used to. Usually the hurt feelings come first, which leads to the anger. I think I posted this on my own tread a couple of months ago, but I think feeling anger is a bit of self protection. Being angry helps get rid of, or at least cover up, the feelings of hurt, pain and sadness. I would much rather be angry at H. It is just easier I guess.

I also find that I switch to anger when I feel I start to place too much blame on myself for where I am at in my situation or question some of the choices that I made post BD. I have to remind myself of H's choices and how that also helped lead us here.

I redirect my thoughts by finding compassion. Understanding that many of his actions and hurtful words were made in a time of internal crisis, his A fog, and out of his own pain that I did help cause. It is such a balancing act to find the middle ground in it all.

[Painter]

Thank you, all three, for your thoughtful and compassionate replies.

Julie, you made me laugh with the comment about not remembering the imagery when you're angry! I probably should journal, writing seems to work well for me to purge emotions. Unfortunately, I often start ranting internally in the shower or while driving.

Ancaire, lots of food for thought in your post. Lots.
I am probably afraid he will cheat on me again, or leave me. Plus he has showed very little remorse for what happened - he keeps blaming me.

BT, Thank you for sharing your insights. I will try to find more compassion, but I feel like I'm running a little low. It's hard for me to understand being in a fog for years, deceiving me systematically, hiding his tracks, lying and plotting... And it makes it so hard reestablishing trust. I think I need him to say that he truly regrets it (he has, but I want to say, 'again, with feeling') and act like he's making an effort.

I will be re-reading all the posts.

[ARose]

Painter, I struggle with anger too. One thing that has helped me is I just allow myself to "feel it" and after a certain period of time, 15 minutes maybe 20, and then I decide "I didn't deserve to be lied to/cheated on/spewed at/gossiped about, etc, I am worth so much more than this. " And then I will do something nice for myself, for example, watch a show, or take a walk, or play some fun music or have a piece of chocolate (have to reign that one in.) So I experience the anger, and then nurture myself in some way, big or small. I am learning to be nice to myself.

I feel flashes of anger every day. Every single day. And sadness. At least the anger is "activating" if that makes sense. I think if you can manage it and not be consumed it can be a helpful emotion.

[JulieH]

Ancaire, I think you might really be onto something there... In order to not be angry, a conscious decision to forgive has to be made. And we have to forgive someone that is not necessarily asking for forgiveness. How did you do that? I understand it's for you and not him but still.

[V2pt0]

Believe me, I totally understand running low on compassion. I guess I also try and not look at the compassion being just for my H, but for rather for me as well. I made a decision shortly after everything exploded when I told H to get out of the house and filing for D that I was not going to turn into an angry/bitter exwife. So, if I stay in that angry place too long, it starts to upset me. I don't want to be that type of person and who would want to be with that kind of person. We have probably all encountered a toxic ex and it is not pleasant. It would be easy to allow the situation and the WAS to turn us into people we don't like.

that being said, I think it is healthy and natural to acknowledge and feel the anger, but at some point you have to say enough.

Regarding the forgiveness, I think that often starts by forgiving and stopping the anger with ourselves first.

[Ancaire]

To let go of anger and truly forgive is a long process at first. I think you get better at it over time.

I know what is helping me is to look at people, including myself, like I would if I were a higher being. Take all the personality out, and just see them for what they are - damaged people. We all hurt, we all make mistakes, we all long for companionship, and someone to understand us.

When I take away the specific deed that has caused me pain, and look at the person who committed the deed through the lens of: "Wow. This person is really, truly broken. I wonder what awful things have happened in his/her life to have caused them to become so awful?" - I see them distilled to something far more pure. I hope that makes sense. I'm looking away from the crime and into the damaged parts of someone.

I feel so much compassion when I realize how broken they are. No person who isn't damaged would do the kinds of things we're being tasked with forgiveness for. I can feel empathy and sorrow on their behalf.

When I get to that point, I'm able to forgive, based almost completely on compassion for another wounded soul. I give it up to the universe, so to speak, because I don't want to carry the burden of being hurt by their actions any longer. I also realize their actions weren't entirely personal. They are the reactions of someone very, very damaged.

So, it's easy to forgive when I'm in tears for another's pain and suffering. Sometimes I find I'm not quite there yet, and I'll choose to forgive, to send it away from myself, again and again, until I've released it all.

My spirit is lighter and happier not carrying around grudges and anger based on another's actions. Who knows what damaged place in their psyche the action came from anyways? It's on them, and not on me - I've released it.

And it hits me as I'm typing this...releasing is really what forgiveness is about. It's letting go of the pain.

[Painter]

Painter, I struggle with anger too. One thing that has helped me is I just allow myself to "feel it" and after a certain period of time, 15 minutes maybe 20, and then I decide "I didn't deserve to be lied to/cheated on/spewed at/gossiped about, etc, I am worth so much more than this. " And then I will do something nice for myself, for example, watch a show, or take a walk, or play some fun music or have a piece of chocolate (have to reign that one in.) So I experience the anger, and then nurture myself in some way, big or small. I am learning to be nice to myself.

I feel flashes of anger every day. Every single day. And sadness. At least the anger is "activating" if that makes sense. I think if you can manage it and not be consumed it can be a helpful emotion.

Fo, I love your approach! Time limiting is good. I find the anger tends to grow and spread out, and cutting it off would be a first good step.

[Painter]

Ancaire, I absolutely agree with what you write - it is a release, but it's something I have to do over and over.

I notice that there are certain triggers for my anger in my interaction with H. I need to journal more to find out what these triggers center about. I think it's mostly when I feel he is behaving the same way as he did before.