It's been a while since I've updated here. I'm trying to support some newer people in Newcomer's. I haven't been able to find the balance needed to finish reading all the MLC threads and keeping up over there.
I think I need to make this one a priority, because I still have so much learning to do - but wow! So many hurting people. I'll figure it out.
I actually made personal progress!!! This week, I toyed with the idea of sending H a letter. We had a brief argument on Friday, that I successfully walked away from after the third try - I'm working on walking away right away - but for some reason, I'm having trouble with that one.
Well, anyways, he once again listed out his list of complaints about me, and I was thinking about it. I wrote this long letter, basically listing out "my side" of his comments. Then, instead of sending it, I put it away. I thought about it, prayed about it, and just did nothing for the next two days.
I can answer the question of sending it or not myself. No. H doesn't want to see my side of things. H needs to keep his side front and center to use as justifications for destroying his family.
This is huge progress for me! I've always been such a reactor to things. To do nothing, while thinking? This is new. I am so pleased. I've been working on myself, and see progress in many areas - but in this one, dealing with H, I've been falling woefully short. That's why I'm so excited about it.
This will be an interesting week. I go to court on the 20th for my wreck incident. I'm frightened, yes - but strangely calm. I guess I've learned since I've been here that I can't control the outcome. I can only deal with it.
So, I'm praying and leaving it up to God. That's about all I can do. I'll just have to wait and see. Just a few months back, I would have been shaking and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Not even a slight hand tremor! I really have learned about learning to be at peace with things I can't control. Wow.
I'm not to the point yet that I'm grateful my marriage blew up. I accept that it happened. I accept that H is in MLC, whether he thinks so or not. I accept it has to run it's course. I accept my life is going to change.
