Sandy! You're right! I was absolutely looking at transparency it a totally different way. I was thinking about how it help ME, and hadn't even thought about how it helps my W. I'm not sure why this is hard for me to understand, but I need to start looking at this from the other perspective. I guess I still struggle sometimes by thinking its all about me...
If I had not had the board helping me, I would have probably been very resistant to the idea of "me", the WW, being transparent for my H. I still had a lot of resentment, disrespect, and some rebellion in me. My LBH did not have the DB tools that people on the board have, since my situation was that I had come.....instead of my H. I went by the advice the board gave me to do. I was transparent. I came to the board every night and they were my teachers, my counselors, and I gave accountability. Was I still tempted to contact the OM? Sure, and I knew he was only a mouse click away. My withdrawals lasted months. I was so depressed that if I had not had the encouragement and straight talk from some that were on the board then........I shudder to think where my life would be today.
That is why I support transparency. And when you willingly open yourself for your S to see through........there is no need to snoop, and it's not "snooping" when it's in the open. She/he can clearly see your activity. Once I was finally through the withdrawal, and my H saw proof that I was not making contact with the OM, we were able to start making other steps to repair our MR.
Oh, and one of the board members had warned me that the OM would probably contact me again, once he cycled through all his other on-line women (which at the time, I was so fogged out, that I didn't believe there were others). Sure enough, about a year later, he calls me at work one day! He had used my old email account (that I stopped checking after I ended the A), and when I never responded, he decided to call where I worked. I was floored, but I told him I loved my H and wasn't going to do anything to betray him again. He never called again. I was lucky, b/c I read some stories of stalking, blackmail, etc., that some people have endured from their AP's.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I ended up not checking her phone (with or without her knowledge). It didn't seem like the right time, but I might just have chickened out. I can also rationalize it by saying we had a really busy weekend (two kids birthday parties, plus the usual chores and picking up after xmas). But I think the biggest reason I didn't do it is because I realized I only wanted to do it for me. It had nothing to do with helping my wife through this, and that to me is a problem. I'm almost positive she'll resist similar to what trumpet's Wife is doing, but I am fine with fighting for it if I have a good reason. Making myself feel better isn't a good a enough reason. I still need to work on myself. But I've decided the only way I'll look at her phone in the future is if she's there, as part of our transparency plan. I'm done sneaking around trying to catch her in the act. We need to either be past that stage or I'm going to have to move on.
I also realized (through another conversation with my wife) that she'll go along with anything I say right now. I think its her way of not rocking the boat, but I literally had to tell her it was OK for her to have her own thoughts and feelings and that I wanted to hear them. The whole reason I got married was to find a partner for life, not someone who will agree with everything I say. It seems so odd that I needed to tell her that I valued her opinion and that I wanted to hear her insights. But I'm glad I did, because she brightened up afterwards. My thought is that I've been trying to be more assertive (the whole No more Mr nice guy routine) and either I'm coming on too strong or it's a big adjustment for my wife. I'd put money on the second choice - I think I have a long way to go before I go too far.
I went to a church by myself and it felt really odd. Good, but odd. Part of it is that it was non-denominational and I'm used to Catholic masses, but also because I knew no one there. Everyone seemed friendly, but it's always a bit odd to be delving into deeply personal spirituality with 150 strangers... I'll go back next week and try to loosen up a bit more. I was also trying to decide if it would be a good fit for my kids or not, so I was also not as connected as I would have liked to be.
Lots of odd interactions with my wife. My wife seemed more upbeat on Saturday morning so I mentioned that I was glad to see her back from whatever she was dealing with and that it was nice to see her less detached from us. She seemed a little surprised at my comment, and I left to do the grocery shopping without giving her a chance to respond. I also took my son to a birthday party, where I'm pretty sure I had 4-5 Moms flirting with me. Funny dynamic being the only guy in a roomful of stressed mothers and screaming children. I probably shouldn't have, but I mentioned the attention I was getting to my wife when I got home. Not sure if she got jealous, but she did pay more attention to me for the rest of the weekend, lol.
I stayed home with the kids today (I work at a college and have MLK day off, just like my kids) and my wife texted me 5 times to chat and to mention that I was a great dad. Not sure where that came from, but I thanked her and haven't texted her back (I'm trying to keep some distance and not smother her - it's been a problem in the past).
So, I'm left wondering where things stand, but generally happy. I'm continuing my GAL at a slow but steady pace. Practicing guitar 30-45 minutes a day. Exercising (I could only do 2 miles this weekend - I only had 40 minutes to warm up/run/lift). Meeting new people (hello church). And crushing it at work (Job interview coming up, continuing to rock it at my current job). And finding support in somewhat unlikely places - my boss is in a similar situation with a wayward husband and 2 kids. We help each other out with advice about once a week.
Hopefully I'll continue to improve my control over my emotions and this roller coaster will eventually calm down. I see improvements, but its not as much as I'd like
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Sounds like progress and love the guitar.....getting my guitars restrung myself and starting to take lessons again.
[censored] we had to have this happen to get back to music
Glad you are at peace of not checking the phone. Let her figure her stuff out....and you too
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Thanks Rich! I'm not sure I'm totally at peace with not checking her phone, but I know I have to be.
The progress I see now is that the ups are not as high and the lows are not as low. If I pull back I see improvement, but my heart is gullible and trusting and squishy. Part of me doesn't want that to ever change, part of me is terrified that I've already begun to harden.
As for guitar, I've never had any lessons and am not very good. But I stopped practicing because my wife hated listening to me. With all this going on I decided I don't give a F what my wife thinks. I won't ever get good unless I practice. So I practice, and get better, and have fun. And if I reconcile with my wife I will give her a concert she'll never forget.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
One thing I've learned in life - never turn down hugs.
Three reasons why: 1) I usually underestimate how much I need one, 2) I always underestimate how much people need to give one until I accept it, and 3) life is short and there isn't always an opportunity for "next time."
Thank you Dear V. Your hug is greatly appreciated
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
SciDad, if your W hates to listen to you play the guitar, I think that our party bus needs to make a stop at your house and put on a concert for your W. I will "sing" and "play" guitar, your W will love your playing after she hears mine! Who is in? I am hoping Mona will join us with her dance moves.
I can't wait for the party bus! She wants perfection? Well, she's going to need some ear plugs when our bus shows up.
You guys know after we visit all the men and properly annoy the wives you are going to have to do a trip for us women and set our H's straight! Ha, I wonder what that would look like? LOL. At least we can laugh.
