Spent the day with my son. Did a lot of thinking about everything, trying to get a grasp on something that I can focus on which would carry me out of the hole I'm in. Focusing on being a good dad doesn't seem to help. I am feeling very depressed right now. Lots of crying yesterday and today, lots of soul searching, but coming up empty handed. Life wasn't perfect, but I was happy 3 months ago. Now my life doesn't seem worth living. I'm worried that I am slipping back into the depression that I was in 10 years ago before I met my W. I might be smart, but I am just not emotionally strong. I just don't feel like I have the strength to DB. I just want to give up, crawl into a hole and disappear.
This is actually a good sign. It means you're not delusional.
Sadness is when you have a problem. Depression is when you feel you are a problem.
This situation is about as hard as anything most people have to deal with in their lives. You would be a sociopath if you didn't feel shattered. Or you'd be in deep denial...or dissociating from emotions and trying to 'live in your head' and just run your brain at a million miles per hour trying to 'figure it all out' while really just avoiding the emotions demanding they be heard. Any of those things would be destructive, and along the lines of medicating.
Instead you are taking it all on the chin. No medication. No running. No other women. No alcohol. No mind games to pretend a pile of crap isn't a pile of crap. Just sitting with a loss so great it takes more than a year to even comprehend it.
Not much fun, but I can promise you that you can get through it. My IC always tells me 'feelings can't make you melt'. They aren't always fun, but they won't kill you. And when you get through a night like tonight, you will have much less FEAR. Because 90% of fear comes from being afraid that you'll run into emotions you can't handle. When you handle the worst they've got and hold up, the fear goes away, because you know you can handle anything. Things will still be tough, but once you're dealing with the reality of the loss, and not terror and shadows, you'll be amazed at how resilient you are.
For now, though, I'm wishing you strength. No one should have to be where you are. Unfortunately the world is imperfect, the love we have for each other is too often broken and interrupted...all the more reason to appreciate the good will of others, be they your friends or family, or those on this board. Take card J.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
