Glad you didn't throw out what I had to say. . You can learn more about what works and what doesn't work with a WW. To save you, hopefully, more heartache, I will tell you that you can't be soft and nice her back. To a WW, that is not attractive in a H. Until you have her respect, you won't have her attraction, or love. Therefore, working to get your self-respect again as a man, is where you start. Do some self-evaluation and see if you have slipped, or are youthe same confident guy you were before M. Think of what you need to do to find that guy again. Before M, what would you have done if a woman had treated you as shamefully as your own W has done? I realize more is at stake now, but my point is to find the man you use to be. You can be your own best friend, or your biggest enemy. It's up to how you think.
Most everything about you that comes across to her as passive, or "soft" will be interpreted as weakness. If you have been in the habit of being non-decisive or letting her make the decisions in order to keep the peace, this was a big mistake, and you need to make a huge u-turn immediately. Women......especially wayward women, despises passivity in men.
Spend time seriously thinking about your values, standards, principles, spiritual and personal beliefs. Decide what you will not live without (and don't say your W). I mean things like integrity, dignity, etc. Decide what you will no longer tolerate. Think about personal boundaries and what you do or would do f those boundaries were violated. These are important areas to give deep thought, instead of going crazy over your what your W may do. It won't be wasted time spent.
Set goals about you....for you. How can you become a man you like? Set forth a plan to get there.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
A real hard part of this is living together while this is all going on and sharing $$$ etc....everything.
I need to put my foot down on some things in a calm way so we can navigate thru the divorce if this keeps going this way. The financial piece that she is asking to talk about now due to the L is painful as can be. She is spending like crazy now and need her to realize this is less $$$ for our daughter and all of us if she keeps this up.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
How did you get thru the ups and downs and it looks like you were close to divorce and reconciled with a bunch of rollercoaster rides?
Hey Rich....I apologize for the delay in responding. I got roped into a couple of days of jury duty.
Anyhow, it took time. I stayed busy and surrounded myself with a great support system. I made a cognizant effort to keep my head up and shoulders back. Fake it 'til you make it if you will.
Don't worry too much about your W seeing the book. It isn't a make or break thing. Just a small speed bump along the journey.
Sandi is spot on. Her advice is always solid. Things shifted in my sitch when I had detached and moved on.
You also mentioned that you thought about raising the white flag. Whether you save your M or not, the path is the same. The only way to the other side of this he11, is through it. At the end of the day, you have to look yourself in the mirror. I think it is important to be able to look back at this time in your life and know that you did your best. You don't want to look back at this time with regret.
In your estimation, what does an attractive person look like? Happy is one of the traits for sure. I suggest thinking about that and making it your goal to be that person.
Remember....believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. Try not to focus on what your W says or what she does. Things change. Feeling change. They were different before this, right? The pendulum can swing back to the positive.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
A real hard part of this is living together while this is all going on and sharing $$$ etc....everything.
I need to put my foot down on some things in a calm way so we can navigate thru the divorce if this keeps going this way. The financial piece that she is asking to talk about now due to the L is painful as can be. She is spending like crazy now and need her to realize this is less $$$ for our daughter and all of us if she keeps this up.
Good luck in trying to get her cooperation about the finances, or anything else that resembles the side of logical. Her selfishness will trump over the needs of her children. You can't reason with crazy.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
[/quote] Sandi is spot on. Her advice is always solid. Things shifted in my sitch when I had detached and moved on.
LITB-thx again. How long was that when you detached? Was she ready for divorce and about to file?
My W wants to move fast from everything that has transpired since after new years. I now know she just wanted to get thru the holidays and then drop the bomb on me before our latest therapy appointment which she did. She ws talking very loud to a girlfriend and I overhead the whole thing...very hurtful.
We split up on weekends so any DB'ing is a bit tough right now. I can only try the approach during the week etc....
Just looking for some positive results on the board from the approach. Lots of sad stories .....looking for some light.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
How long was that when you detached? Was she ready for divorce and about to file?
It took me 13 months to completely detach. It was after I finally had confirmation of her relationship w/OM. I had to process all of my feelings. The hurt, the anger, the sadness, etc.
The D had been filed 10 months prior to me being detached. It was pending because we had a custody battle going on and she was 2 states away. It got ugly. I made a lot of mistakes along the way. I won't bore you with them, but as you can see they weren't deal breakers.
You said that it was hurtful to listen to her talk to her girlfriend about your situation. Then try not to listen.
It is difficult, but you gotta have faith in the process.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
LITB- you are strong...wow. I can see melting in that situation right now Glad you are able to keep going.
So many ups and downs. Had friends over the other night to GAL....3 divorced folks (not good influence I know) and a friend who is married and working thru things. Theme was for most that they wanted to work things out but the other did not...not surprising. Was OK when we were together but when they left I was lonely/sad again
Have my daughter and we are having fun together the rest of the weekend while wife is away visiting her friends (divorced/single group).
My brother and good friend who is female believe I have blinders on and there is an affair probably going on. My wife comes from a family where her dad and brother were both unfaithful and she flipped to the other side and has been so against them due to taht ......But it is starting to worry me not that I can do anything about it.
We have talked about it and she denies anything but now I am getting suspicous. Maybe a phase of what I am going thru?
Well...I have to have faith. It's all that is keeping me going right now besides my daughter but I don't see this slowing down at all.
I hope I can find more good days ahead.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
My W wants to say hi to daughter every night she is away...which is nice. But it bothers me to put her on the phone and listen to her as she sounds intoxicated and is now where I think she may be having an affiar out of town. Not convinced 100% yet but the stories here and signs point to it
How do I continue this way having to interact so much? its painful
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
My W wants to say hi to daughter every night she is away...which is nice. But it bothers me to put her on the phone and listen to her as she sounds intoxicated and is now where I think she may be having an affiar out of town. Not convinced 100% yet but the stories here and signs point to it
How do I continue this way having to interact so much? its painful
If the signs point to an A,it is very likely. Do a search on a member by the name of Starsky. He did an exceptional job of digging for evidence and then acting on it.
BTW, you have the right to limit your interactions. Don't listen to her conversations with your D or her friend, especially since you know they cause you to hurt. You'll have to set boundaries.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
. You can learn more about what works and what doesn't work with a WW. To save you, hopefully, more heartache, I will tell you that you can't be soft and nice her back. To a WW, that is not attractive in a H. Until you have her respect, you won't have her attraction, or love. Therefore, working to get your self-respect again as a man, is where you start. Do some self-evaluation and see if you have slipped, or are youthe same confident guy you were before M. Think of what you need to do to find that guy again. Before M, what would you have done if a woman had treated you as shamefully as your own W has done? I realize more is at stake now, but my point is to find the man you use to be. You can be your own best friend, or your biggest enemy. It's up to how you think.