Fo, high heels are not my thing, I'd rather see you bare foot in a summer dress. I think I should stop this line of thought. I have not posted on your two current threads. I struggle with being assertive so can't begin to advise there and in the other one I'd feel out of place. I will test the limits of my comfort zone and post in both today.
Roiste, I have mentioned earlier that I struggle with compliments. They make me uncomfortable, what you said about having fans did just that. I just thought "I'm not worthy". Wow, I need work, thinking I'm not worthy of have people like me is an indicator of something. Is there a bottom to this can of worms. I just bought a new codependency but read only a few pages but that's it. I've been letting everything slip this week. Not sure why. I will get myself back on track and post about my efforts. I tend to struggle when there aren't clear step by step procedures.
Fogg, I will try this technique this afternoon and this week. Hopefully I will feel it's effects soon. Please share any other insights you discover, I need all the help I can get. Thank you. I've been worried about you, you seem to be in a rough patch. You are loved my friend, remember that.
Jelly, my dear Jelly, as I read your post I gasped and covered my mouth. You nailed me, it seems so obvious to me now. I can't wait for IC tomorrow. I will work on myself with your suggestion today and everyday. Your post shines light in my dark closet, now I will be able to take a proper inventory and recycle the unnecessary clutter. Thank you kind friend.
Di, how are you? I read your thread and am interested in your evolution. Keep posting, you have groupies
Don't worry about me mutatio. It might seem like I'm in a rough patch but im doing really well. What I've learning about myself the last few weeks has opened my eyes and moved me further on my path, allowing me to tweak myself further into a person I want to be. It might be a bit painful but it's helping me process feelings I never understood but we're always there. I just haven't updated my own thread because I haven't finished my 'homework' writing my letters. I told myself I would leave my own thread alone until I finish them and I've yet to start them. Letting all the thoughts just sit a while instead of rushing it.
When I get to those later chapters I'll share any tips I feel could be useful.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I was loading the groceries into the back of the car this morning and had a thought. My wife said during our talk 2 weeks ago that she agrees with me that it appears that she really hasn't forgiven me and is resentful because of the way I behaved over a 15 year period. I accept her assessment of my behavior. I have admitted I was an mean a$$hole for all those years, no debate. I am not that man now and never want to be anything like that man again. I am learning to forgive myself, which is much harder then forgiving her for her EA/PA. I am in the process of fully forgiving myself for this chapter of my life.
My thought was that I've changed my behavior, sober 7 years, spend time with the kids, cook all the meals, do what ever needs to be done around the home and she does not care. She has decided she does not love me, that she does not want anything to do with me and chooses to live this way. The question from my thought is, how is this on me? I am trying, I am making all the right changes so that I become the best version of me. How can I blame the state of this marriage on me? This is all her. She has chosen to abandon me. I want to talk, she does not. I want to get us professional help, she does not. I want to do things with her, she does not. The state that this marriage is in is completely her doing. I am trying and she is rejecting.
So the short version of my thought is, I should not blame myself for any of this. This is not my fault. She is the one rejecting me, she is the one who wants to live like this.
My question for the greater objective consciousness is do I have this right? How can I own any of the current state of this relationship if she won't give me the time of day?
Mut, of course it is more complicated than who is right and who is wrong. But it does seem like you all the work and it is time to let go of the self blame. I think you are on the right track as far as your thoughts, but maybe find a way to phrase it with a little less judgment?
I am on the same page as you, by the way, you know I am. I told H in our last MC session that I am done being in crisis and done with the self blame. And I meant it. I think maybe you are ready to detach. I think this is a healthy new attitude for you. And this can lead to some movement in your own emotional state, which will potentially lead to some movement in W's.
Also, right now your W seems ok with the status quo, but I doubt that she is content with the way things are, how could she be? Who would want to live this way, who would choose it, unless they were paralyzed with fear or depression or just truly not knowing what else to do.
Regardless of what W says or does, it is time for you to let go of the self blame. You have carried that around long enough! Time to be free and live your life in the present without that weighing you down. You deserve to be free from that burden, you deserve to happy.
Thank you dear Fo, you are right. I think I am evolving and will place the self blame in the first trash can I find on this path. I don't want to carry it around anymore. I need my heart to catch up with my mind but I'm standing on a new plateau with a new perspective. Thank you for helping me get here.
Mut, your heart might never catch up with your mind. My mind is miles ahead of my heart, but that is ok. I thought my heart was getting detached and then I woke up in tears from a dream last night where H was telling my "I love you." So my heart is crying out in my sleep. My H could walk in the door right now and I'd melt. But in the meantime I am on my journey, some days taking small steps, some days taking a leap, but no longer stuck. I am happy for you, I think you are about to experience some better days.
Good for you mu! Glad to see that you are making progress, even if your sitch isn't right now. Fyi, your fan club isn't all females. I think you are an awesome guy, and would sit around your campfire in the mountains anytime. Have a great week!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
