I have read your posts in this thread and feel like I am your twin sister who married your H's twin brother... The issues are so similar.
H has (since OW) come out with all this anger and resentment about how I don't make enough money or work fulltime. When I pointed out that part of his list of enticements to get me to move her was 'you never have to work unless you have to', he brushed it off with 'things have changed'.
(Interestingly, OW had a good job and has retired early with a nice pension.)
He's also very difficult to have a conversation with, it's mostly 'I don't know' or deflections.
There was more, but it's getting late.
I'm also angry and not sure if we're a good fit at all. But I'm hanging in there...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Painter and Julie, my H always told me I "didn't have to work" and that staying home with the kids was the most important thing. Until he met OW, of course at work, and suddenly he was screaming in my face that I am using him as a slave and he is NOT going to support me forever. Ironically, maybe 2-3 months before BD I brought up going back to work and he gave me this big pep talk about how I should only do it if it was something I wanted, something I loved, that we didn't "need" the money and I should be happy. Funny how quickly things change.
I have read your posts in this thread and feel like I am your twin sister who married your H's twin brother... The issues are so similar.
H has (since OW) come out with all this anger and resentment about how I don't make enough money or work fulltime. When I pointed out that part of his list of enticements to get me to move her was 'you never have to work unless you have to', he brushed it off with 'things have changed'.
Thats ok. If you would have both worked this whole time, they would be complaining that you worked too much, only cared about money, and did not give them enough attention. Whatever story works to justify what they are doing. It is all crisis talk.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I have read your posts in this thread and feel like I am your twin sister who married your H's twin brother... The issues are so similar.
H has (since OW) come out with all this anger and resentment about how I don't make enough money or work fulltime. When I pointed out that part of his list of enticements to get me to move her was 'you never have to work unless you have to', he brushed it off with 'things have changed'.
Thats ok. If you would have both worked this whole time, they would be complaining that you worked too much, only cared about money, and did not give them enough attention. Whatever story works to justify what they are doing. It is all crisis talk.
BT, you're so right! I worked with my own business for the last 5 years. I started it just as the economy tanked and it never made a real profit, so H has also complained about how I was only focused on the business and stopped cooking dinner (because I came home after him).
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Bt13. Great point and i think your right. When kids were little I remember husband telling me to stay home as well.
Painter: We certainly both seem to be up and down regarding our commitment to our marriages! I know my entire family and friends think I should just move on. A lot of the time I feel that way as well.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Your feelings may be up and down, but your behavior has been consistent. That's what matters, and that's how you endure the 'for worse' part of your marriage.
Quote:
you're going to have to lead the way.
I agree with Ancaire as well, I just hesitate to think of ourselves as leading the way. It falls into the same pattern of thinking we have an understanding they don't, that we know what's right and are the ones that have it figured out, that we need to be so smart that they follow our lead somehow...this can be controlling and diminishing. For the marriage to work it sometimes means we have to trust our partner enough to follow their lead at times as well. A partnership can't work without two people that are capable of both being leaders.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Fo, I understand what your saying and I had been keeping up with all of your posts. I have always been impressed with the way you were able to validate and put your needs on the back burner.
I am hoping for a counselor or coach that will be able to make it so that both of our needs gets addressed. I understand that I might have to be the first one to make changes and just shut up about my perceived notions of injustice.
I am also thinking that for counseling to work, we both have to want it to work. When we tried a year ago I don't think my husband really wanted it to work. He says differently though.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I am also thinking that for counseling to work, we both have to want it to work. When we tried a year ago I don't think my husband really wanted it to work. He says differently though.
I'll bet he did want it to work a year ago...but maybe not enough, or maybe failure was an option, like 'let's try and see'...then after getting a chance to see what D really looks like, it's like 'hmm, this would suck, maybe I can try a bit harder and MAKE it work!'
Mindreading, but I know that's how it went down for me. I tried in my marriage, and I thought I tried my hardest, but I didn't know what hard really was until D.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, all my husband keeps saying is "I tried for years".
Looking back, i think he did after kids were born, but it was at a point I was just so angry and resentful and hormonal and sleep deprived.
Maybe this is Karma? Me experiencing with him what he was with me after kids were born. I never would have left though.
I know that you are right because he told me something along the lines that he needed to see if he could handle being separated from kids and I. I found this very insulting. It still bothers me because it showed that his needs surpassed the trauma it would have on the kids and the burden it placed on my parents. IT was also him making a decision without any discussion based on what he wanted to do as an individual instead of making a collaberative decision as a family (something that I felt frequently plagued our relationship and left me resentful)
