My advice is don't allow her to return home too easily. The OM is currently spending time at her place, and the excitement is wearing off. One way to end an affair it for that couple to start dealing with everyday life, which it sounds as if they are. So now prince charming doesn't look like much of a fairy tale, and she is getting a little homesick.
Btw, she can be homesick without desiring to rekindle an intimate relationship with you. The time to come to a full understanding and agreement upon the stipulations of her going back home is before you let in come back to the house. If you let her back and nothing has been settled, you will be right back in the mess again with OM #2.
Do NOT let her come home under the agreement that she'll sleep in a separate room! If she is not ready to share a room with you, then it's not you she is wanting to return to. You don't have to have sex right off the bat, but you do need to sleep in the same room. If she comes back under any other agreement, you M will fail. And, do not agree that there will be no sex. She is either coming back all the way......or she doesn't get to come back at all. Be very specific about it before she ever brings her suitcase through the door.
Dating...........is not near as important as her agreeing to be completely transparent accordingly to what you decide, when you want, and at your unsceduled time. She is the one who has to prove she can be trustworthy again. Therefore, she doesn't get to pick and choose what will be transparent and what will remain private. Nothing should be private between a M couple. Btw, this is not a tool you use to keep her under your thumb of control, it is a tool to help her be accountable......which in turn will help her beat the temptation to fall back into that behavior again. An example of transparency is you checking her phone, without previous warning or notice. She doesn't get time to delete messages, etc. She doesn't get a schedule to know exactly when you will check the texting, b/c you won't do it everyday, nor at the same time of day.
If your WW has an "attitude" about the conditions upon her returning.......do NOT let her back. It will get worse. She is the cheater, the betrayer.......and she needs to have a certain humility/remorse about those actions. She was willing to tear this family apart and mess up the kids' lives.......so don't take her back if she even hints of a disrespectful, cold, or bad attitude. Don't be hasty about going on romantic dates with her. The word "date" implies romance, and you don't need to rush for romance. If she can bounce from his bed to your bed with hardly getting her second breath........one of you are being played. You can plan on fun type of activity dates which have no romantic or intimate atmosphere, at least in the beginning of R.
Boundaries are the lines you have drawn around yourself that protects you. It shields you from being disrespected and harmed. If another person does something to deliberately bring embarrassment or pain to you.......then you need to do some type of action to protect yourself. In most cases, especially in relationships, there needs to be some type of consequence to the person who has not honored your boundary. It may be as little as you removing yourself from their presence......or as much as you removing yourself from the marriage. Boundaries are not ultimatums. They are not to be used as threats. They are no to be used to control others. They are used to protect you and what belongs to you.
If your WW is leaving hints she's thinking of returning home, play it cool and do not show that you are excited about the possibility. In fact, if she says any more about it, the first thing you need to tell her is if the OM is still around her place (even occasionally) then there is nothing to discuss. Do not play those games. She has to kick him out of her life, change her work shift or job so that she never bumps into or hears about him at work. She will have to go through affair withdrawals, before she's really ready to work on a marriage with you.
So, please don't get in a hurry........no matter if she has to pay extra rent or whatever, b/c this was her choice she made. She is experiencing a little reality and her fantasy isn't all she thought it would be. Don't let her make you feel sorry for her. It is not your job to rescue her. As a WW, she really needs to work to get to go back home again. Know what I mean? It is important for her, you, and the family/marriage.
I also advise you finding a very good MC to help guide you as you piece the M back together.........if she comes back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We already discussed what it would take to come home. I won't rugsweep and allow her right back in. NC, IC, and her living alone for a few months without the om. Complete transparency.
So since I last updated I Talked to her again and realize she is just cake eating. Saying enough to keep me hanging on while still involved with the other guy. So at the end of our conversation I told her I was going to be giving her papers tomorrow for a divorce. I have to draw the line and I told her I will not be married to a woman with a bf.
She was suppose to sign them and have them back Monday. Well Monday came and now she wants to have someone look at them. I sent her a text Monday night asking her to look them over again and bring them today. I said you have moved on allow me to do the same. So we will see if she brings them tonight.
She can never come out and say "it's over". It's always things to keep me hanging. I think the papers surprised her and now she is delaying signing them. She doesn't want to lose her option. Maybe I'm wrong
I wonder how long they last once they are out in the open. I could see two years if it was secret. I would be surprised if her and this guy last 3 months now that he is staying over at her place
So she still hasn't brought the paperwork over I gave her. Her mother called me and said she doesn't want to sign because the kids will lose their insurance. I think it's an excuse to keep me as plan B when her and this guy don't work out
So options now are go live my life as if I am divorced. Gal. Detach. Ride this out until their affair is over. Or go to an attorney press for divorce. Pay the money. And everything that comes with that.
I don't want to be her plan B. I want to save my marriage. Domt know what path to take here.
The thread about lbh and wayward wife's fits her to a tee. She is most of all of those things except when we talk and interact she is very nice. I see her and smile and joke with her. Pretty much the guy I was when she met me. I have lost weight and am in great shape right now. Everything that attracted her to me.
I know it's her that's standing in the way right now. It's not claims of being in love with this guy and I don't really see that. He isn't living there but stays over at her house. I really think she is starting to see the fantasy isn't real but is in deep with renting a house and the shame of having an affair.
Starting more and more to see how deeply flawed this woman is. Her mother called me asking for money the other day. The Apple does t fall far from the tree. Mothers been divorced 3 times now. I guess my ww will be one behind her once this all is over.
Taking her back without her getting some counseling herself would be the worst thing I could do. The farther I detach the more is see it was all her the whole time. She's a selfish insecure woman at 38 who just ruined her only real family she's ever had.
Not sure why she won't sign the papers but I am sure there's some selfish motivation behind it.
I know it's her that's standing in the way right now.
Actually it's the douche bag she's carrying on with that is a huge obstacle to her re-committing to you. Those douche bags fill their heads with pure sh!t and keep them confused.
You really don't have a chance at moving forward in a positive way while this douche bag is in the picture.
Well I am sure that guy will show his true self and leave sooner than later. She wasn't happy with me then she isn't going to be happy with some piece of crap bar back that makes 1500 bucks a month and cheats over and over on whoever he is with.
All her free time she has the boys and I am sure that's going to get old to be around. This guy will dump her and she will realize what a mess she's made of things. She rented a house she can barely afford. She has no personal life now other than my sons.
Reality will set in hard on her someday. I am sure she's having her doubts now and that's why she doesn't want to sign the papers
She's being stubborn and rebellious but never mean to me. She's alienated a lot of people and knows she really looks bad. Not sure if she has the willpower to fix it all or she just keeps running.
It sounds like she suffers from stupid foolish pride. Foolish pride is so dumb. People can ruin their lives over foolish pride. She's rather carry on with some douche bag than just to admit how wrong she is. It's dumb. I know it. You know it, and yes, she knows it too. Still, regardless of whether we all know it, it doesn't mean she'll change course. Some people refuse to swallow their stupid foolish pride. Maybe google for some help coping with a spouse who is sticking to their stupid foolish pride. Maybe there are ways to chink some cracks in that armor. It might be worth a read.
I will. I'm haven't been calling or texting. She picks up and drops the kids everyday and I have been having their grandma deal with it. My 3year old has a baseball game today and I will see her their. Just going to be cool and play with the boys and when it over kiss them and say goodbye.
Well don't know if that was the best idea. She asked me to go to the game with her and we rode there and back. Played at the park a bit and watched some game. Little small talk about stuff. No relationship talk. She was actually pretty quite as normal. I was happy with the kids.
I need to co-parent with her but I am. It going to fall into friend zone. We haven't talked much at all lately and she really seemed like things were om her mind. I brought up a couple of things we did in the past that were fun just to leave her with those memories. One of her biggest complaints was I never spent enough time with her and the boys. I will let her see I do love them and love being around them all
