Sandy! You're right! I was absolutely looking at transparency it a totally different way. I was thinking about how it help ME, and hadn't even thought about how it helps my W. I'm not sure why this is hard for me to understand, but I need to start looking at this from the other perspective. I guess I still struggle sometimes by thinking its all about me...
If I had not had the board helping me, I would have probably been very resistant to the idea of "me", the WW, being transparent for my H. I still had a lot of resentment, disrespect, and some rebellion in me. My LBH did not have the DB tools that people on the board have, since my situation was that I had come.....instead of my H. I went by the advice the board gave me to do. I was transparent. I came to the board every night and they were my teachers, my counselors, and I gave accountability. Was I still tempted to contact the OM? Sure, and I knew he was only a mouse click away. My withdrawals lasted months. I was so depressed that if I had not had the encouragement and straight talk from some that were on the board then........I shudder to think where my life would be today.
That is why I support transparency. And when you willingly open yourself for your S to see through........there is no need to snoop, and it's not "snooping" when it's in the open. She/he can clearly see your activity. Once I was finally through the withdrawal, and my H saw proof that I was not making contact with the OM, we were able to start making other steps to repair our MR.
Oh, and one of the board members had warned me that the OM would probably contact me again, once he cycled through all his other on-line women (which at the time, I was so fogged out, that I didn't believe there were others). Sure enough, about a year later, he calls me at work one day! He had used my old email account (that I stopped checking after I ended the A), and when I never responded, he decided to call where I worked. I was floored, but I told him I loved my H and wasn't going to do anything to betray him again. He never called again. I was lucky, b/c I read some stories of stalking, blackmail, etc., that some people have endured from their AP's.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
