This is actually controlling behavior. You are trying to generate positive feelings in her towards you and control her back into your arms.
This is controlling. This is diminishing her voice which has told you she wants to get away This is needy This is pursuing
I never saw it like this. I didnt see it as me controlling her emotions with my intentions.
Part of me is holding onto the hope that her moving out on her own will snap her back to reality. i need to let go of that and let her have her journey.
I need to read, GAL and let go of what we had. What we had is gone. Its easy to write that and think it, it takes time to feel it.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
We just talked on the phone with the intention of discussing a few things i needed to bring with me today that she forgot or couldnt take yesterday.
I asked how she is doing. she said ok, asked me i said im doing real good. i have had a great morning. at that point i switched the convo to the list i had of things to bring today, we discussed what could wait, what specifically she needed (kids toys she would like)
when that was done she told me about the issues she had when she arrived at her place, i listened.
She asked how the kids were and i said really good, we had a big breakfast this morning, they all ate really well, they all had great sleeps. We watched all had popcorn and watched a movie last night.
She said thats good, told me about all she has to do today to which i replied there is going to be lots to do, and its not going to get done in a day. We talked briefly verifying time and place we are meeting today. Then i said i have to go get S3 ready for his day now, have a good day i will see you later, she said you too and that was that. There was no prying by me into how things went last night, how it felt to have her own place now, no excessive talk about how great i am and everything is so far. I did joke that i miss the dog to clean up the mess S11m leaves after he eats and we both laughed at how you dont notice how much she cleans up.
It was hard not to see how she is doing so far, its only been 12 hours! Putting aside my desire to "need" her isnt easy, i know there is no reason that i should "need" someone in my life to be happy tho. One day at a time
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Ok. So it will not have even been 24 hours before I see WW again. This is te time I look my best. ( not suit and tie...). Be happy Follow the rules that apply to this situation. No R talk. Happy new Tyler. I am already nervous about this...
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
The empty house is tough. Sounds like having your other kids helped with that a bit. Don't really have any advice for you other than you can do this. Be well.
Me:44 W:38 T:10.5 M:7.5 D:3 BD: 7/2015 W moves out of MBR: 9/2015 WW files for D: 2/8/2016
Been thinking a lot about what Zeus said. Anything I have been doing to get a positive reaction is controlling and manipulative. That was part of the reason she left. She felt manipulated and controlled. I never felt I controlled her. Starting reading ... one of the traits is manipulating to get your way instead of standing up to conflict. That was me all over. With other traits too. The manipulation was the control. They went hand in hand. Something I need to focus on for me.
Last edited by Cristy; 01/18/1603:27 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other authors/books
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Another thing was a lack of "back bone". It wasn't that I wouldn't stand up for myself. More that I avoided conflicts at all costs. Maybe not the most healthy way to work on that with me but she said she used to pick small topics and intentionally see if I would back down or have a back bone. At first I would. As time went on I stopped both standing up and backing down. I stopped doing anything. Just overly giving in. Ya ok whatever attitude and it made her think I didn't care at all So it's not that I have to go looking for fights with people. But not be a doormat to anyone either
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Great point. I've got the yep, whatever attitude as well. If it was important to me, I would say something but that wasn't too often. Figure it was laid back, but after reading what you said, I could see where it might come across as passive.
Me:44 W:38 T:10.5 M:7.5 D:3 BD: 7/2015 W moves out of MBR: 9/2015 WW files for D: 2/8/2016
I don't feel she saw it as passive. More that I could not give a Sh!t about her or what she was trying to talk to me about. If she came to me with something like a problem it wasn't for me to necessarily fix it. Just to listen and be there. To supper her. I wasn't.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Just thought of another example of me dismissing W. Let me start by saying that I know if I start doing all these things right she will not come back. These are me pointing out issues I am seeing that was my doing which lead to the downfall of my M.
There was a few times she brought up trips. Money was always tight so they were tough. Specifics were a week in NYC. Or she wanted to go to Europe for our 5 yr anniversary.
There was never. You have to work more so we can go or why do we never have money to go. Te issue stemmed from my pessimistic out look on the cost of these things. If we saved and budgeted we could have done these things.
The NYC trip is a prime example. She would go to computer and start planning. Looking for deals for hotels. She found a nice B&B that was priced well. Excitedly she showed me and wanted me to sit with her. Help plan. Figure out if and how we could do this. And when. I came over to look and said oh ya. That seems nice. And then go about my business or say something that would center around us not really having the money. Pretty much just crapping on her excitement and plans to do something amazing together.
Like I said. I'm not going to plan a trip or anything. Just self realization of what I need to work on.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Alright. When we met today it seemed like she had something to say. She got in my car and I said. What's up? W. Nothing. Just wondering if there was anything we need to talk about. Me. No. I'm good ( smile)
Then an hour goes by during which I get a play by play of her drive almost. To which if it's a question. I answer with short responses. If not a question no response from me.
Then I get. Could I possibly borrow 100$ till Wednesday? I know she has no money right now. She had some unexpected expenses that literally used all her starting money. My first thought was really? You pack up and leave. Now you need help? Then I thought about it before I responded. She has the boys this week. She hasn't had time and doesn't have the money for groceries. I'm not going to deny my children food because of W and sitch. So lending this time is ok. I can't let it become habit tho. Now my problem is is 100$ enough. Is it needy or pushing to send her 150 or 200?
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
