I was loading the groceries into the back of the car this morning and had a thought. My wife said during our talk 2 weeks ago that she agrees with me that it appears that she really hasn't forgiven me and is resentful because of the way I behaved over a 15 year period. I accept her assessment of my behavior. I have admitted I was an mean a$$hole for all those years, no debate. I am not that man now and never want to be anything like that man again. I am learning to forgive myself, which is much harder then forgiving her for her EA/PA. I am in the process of fully forgiving myself for this chapter of my life.
My thought was that I've changed my behavior, sober 7 years, spend time with the kids, cook all the meals, do what ever needs to be done around the home and she does not care. She has decided she does not love me, that she does not want anything to do with me and chooses to live this way. The question from my thought is, how is this on me? I am trying, I am making all the right changes so that I become the best version of me. How can I blame the state of this marriage on me? This is all her. She has chosen to abandon me. I want to talk, she does not. I want to get us professional help, she does not. I want to do things with her, she does not. The state that this marriage is in is completely her doing. I am trying and she is rejecting.
So the short version of my thought is, I should not blame myself for any of this. This is not my fault. She is the one rejecting me, she is the one who wants to live like this.
My question for the greater objective consciousness is do I have this right? How can I own any of the current state of this relationship if she won't give me the time of day?
