I see WW already today when we meet with the boys so she has them while I go to school. If it's financially feasible I'll have them each weekend. Then when schools over we are doing 50/50 care. I need to be strong and know God is with me.
There is an old shelf she brought when she moves into our home. It was broken and sat in the garage for the entire time she was here. I have fixed it for her and re stained it. She doesn't know. I did it for 2 reasons. One being bad DB. For her and so she would appreciate me and what I did. 2. I did it for me for my peace of mind and something to keep me busy. She never asked me to fix it. But in the beginning of R mentioned she would like it fixed. Me being an idiot said ya we could use a shelf and left it in the garage. Do I take this to her? Give her the repaired shelf. I find myself hoping to get a positive response. I'm ok with getting oh that old thing? Why did you bother.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
You leave it where it is. If and when she asks for it or sees it you don't bring anything up, act like it fixed itself. If she asks say 'yeah, I took care of that a while ago' as if it was a non-event and doesn't reflect on what you would've done today.
Are you re-reading the 37 rules 3-5 times a day and following them?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thank you Zeus. No I'm not. When I first found this site I wrote them all out and hid them in my closet. Now that I don't have to hide DB in my house. Not going to flaunt it around so everyone knows whatn doing. But I don't have to find secret places to hide things.
It's hard not to do little things that make her smile at me. I feel like she would just smile and say oh thanks. At best start crying and hug me and say thank you At worst. Say oh why did you bother that thing was junk I thought you tossed it. I know the. Best one wouldn't have happened. I assumed the middle of the road answer. But now as writing this out. The negative one seems te more likely answer lately. It's not that I didn't play this over in my head but bouncing the idea off someone here changes my thought process. In my own head i was convinced it was a good idea.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Tonight when I get home to an empty house. I have plans. 1. Get the moping and sadness out of me. Walk around. Look at all that is gone be sad about it. Cry and get used to the sight of things that had always been there now gone. 2. Start thinking of what I need to get to put in those old spots. Picture frames. Posters shelves pictures paintings. Am I going to paint this room? Should I reorganize it just for a change. 3. Make a list of all the household stuff I need to replace ex. Pots n pans( she took the good set as they were a gift from me for Christmas. She asked for it so it wasn't a here woman got you some cooking stuff... Haha) 4. Probably do this after 1. Go through remaining picture frames an take out pictures of her/us. I need her ghost gone. Do I really believe she will be putting up pics of me? Probably not. 5. Sit down and study for school!! Every night so I ace this course. Be the best Tyler and have my actions show that I am smart and capable of nailing 2nd year. 6. Read self help books. Finish DR. ( 1/2 way through). 7. Keep GAL.!!!
Last edited by Cristy; 01/18/1603:23 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books/authors
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
If you got fired from a job, you wouldn't show up the day after your last day with a report that you had been meaning to write for months but never got around to, right?
Oh and in my reply to Zeus. I should clarify. No I'm not rereading. Once and awhile but I by no means have them memorized. I following them? Honestly the answer has to be no. I am following some to a T. And some I let them slide. I will have to sit down an figure out which ones I am sliding on. If anyone's interested I can let you know when I know
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Hang in there. Empty house is tough....this is my second marriage (you would have thought I would have gotten better at this!) that is on the rocks and came home the first time after my X moved out and just cried too...from the emptiness
Fill the house with your own....redecorate it. I had a relative come in and help me and will do the same if needed this time again ....experienced at this :-) I have to laugh to keep sane
It's not easy and I won't say the over used "time heals wounds" stuff because it will always be painful But you are doing the right things.....we all need to take things day by day.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
WW made a comment last night that stuck out to me and I have been thinking about a lot.
After the I always loved you and part of me always will comment that angered and confused me. Replied like this There was a lot of good times and a lot of great memories. Thank you for all of them. There will always be a place in my heart that is yours. Great things are in both of our futures
W: Yes there are great memories and great times. And yes i am really praying for bright futures for us both
At first I was angry about that. I felt like if she had been praying at all she would have seen that she shouldn't be going. I felt as tho she had lost her connection with God I never made any comments about it. Thinking about her journey and mine which are seperate right now, how do I know that she isn't talking to God. I know I am. But it's not about who prays louder or harder. It's about living the experience he has for you to its fullest. It's possible that this is the path He wants her to follow. And has put me on mine. It's possible that these paths meet again. It's possible they go completely opposite directions and never meet again. Time will tell what happens. So until that time I have to use the time I am given to reconnect with myself and my children. Become the man I am supposed to be. I believe I am on the right path because of this forum and my decisions in life recently. I sometimes get upset that I had found this place 3 months ago after Bday. Instead of doing it wrong for 2 1/2 months. The main thing is I'm here now tho. All of your support mean a lot to me and help make me stronger
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Rich4j. Thank you. This was my 2nd marriage too. I didn't learn the first time because it wasn't my fault. I didn't change. I didn't see why I should. I'll find someone that loves me for who I am. Boy was I wrong. There is nothing wrong with me as a person. The problem lies in how I handle R and M. Not to say I can't improve on myself. That's why I'm here.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
The reason the shelf is a bad idea has nothing to do with her responses. It has to do with your intention.
You say: It's hard not to do little things that make her smile at me.
This is actually controlling behavior. You are trying to generate positive feelings in her towards you and control her back into your arms.
This is controlling. This is diminishing her voice which has told you she wants to get away This is needy This is pursuing
I also didn't like the insertion of 'there will always be a place in my heart'. You asked us, 4/5 of us said not to reply, I said to do so very non-nonchalantly, you have to edge into a halmark card. Use the 80% rule...whatever affection or emotion she shows, only reflect back 80%. Your reply was like 125%. Stop it. It's push/pull dynamic, you're driving her away by making her uncomfortable to show you any emotion.
The second part is that you are looking at this like a newbie. You have a picture of divorce on one side, marriage on another, every time she takes a step towards D that is 'bad', every time she takes a step that seems like it shows affection or warmth you interpret that as a step towards M and label it 'good'. Then you do this crap to try to control her back towards the marriage.
It's typical of a newcomer, I am pointing it out to give you perspective here. The marriage is over. She has told you that. She will be conflicted, and there will be times when she cries, reaches out to you, etc. If you are in denial and telling yourself that she will come back to you at some point then you will remain attached, analyze her every step and go through a roller-coaster of feeling hopeful and dejected and loving and angry until you bottom out, and you will keep trying to steer her behavior.
That said I like your last post and agree the best thing you can do is follow the 37 rules and NOT your feelings. You can't detach at the drop of the hat, but you can stay distant and dim and obey the rules so you don't make things worse while you're detaching. You can't control her behavior back towards the M or speed up her journey, but you can sabotage it and slow it down if you're not careful. So get yourself some space, and work on becoming the person you want to be for YOU. Whether or not you two are ever together again, the next 6 months-2 years will be about you on your own journey.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
