Here again after 9 years and struggling 2

[inpain]

Yes, it is a tough call. I really don't know what to do about it. As you say, he could at least call and let them know he's not coming anymore when he decides he's "not in the mood" or whatever his reason is!

[Rouky]

It's only my opinion but I have seen H do it with his eldest daughter. He'd say he'd be there but he'd do a no show. I don't tell my kids when their dad is coming because he hasn't turned up a couple of times. Like you Inpain I had to deal with it! Not doing it anymore as I'm not the one not turning up!

[Zues126]

This is short term. Remember that. In the not too distant future there will be a schedule where he has to pick up the kids, or you drop them off at his place.

I wouldn't do anything about it until you reach that point. You can't force him to do anything anyway, and anything you do will come across as controlling...in the way he'll perceive it you'd be 'using the kids to control him'. Don't do it.

I put up with $hit for 18 months. And it will be another 6 months before it shifts. I mean, less time with kids, small cramped apartment, working crazy hours...WW isn't working, has the kids more, living in the same house...it wasn't fair, but it wouldn't have been right to force things out of turn. Instead I kept doing what was right, kept paying what was more than fair for CS, allowed her to take her own journey even if that meant partying and having a series of affairs...in the end things are shifting, we will be going to 50/50 soon, the CS will be dropping, I will be getting a bigger place in the summer...she might lose the house, I have no clue, but $hit's about to get real for her...she'll manage though, somehow. My point is I didn't have to force that. Don't try to solve problems that a little patience will solve for you.

[Irish M]

Hi Inpain

I honestly don't think he cares that he is damaging his relationship with them. I am so shocked at this side of the situation. Maybe I should start sending texts asking where he is or asking if he's still coming over in future when he does this?

You don't know if he cares or not. You can't mind read. It may just be the guilt inside him is too much so he avoids contact, it could that he is out and time got away from him, maybe he just decided not to come.

Don't text him asking him the why. He will see you as his mother. That the last person you want to be.

This is where you need to protect yourself and your kids from H. As time goes on the disappointment your kids and yourself feel will triple, quadruple... Detaching and not thinking about the why he didn't come or how he feels will help you get stronger. You protect yourself from anger, jealousy and disappointment. Your kids will see you not caring if he comes over or not. They too will start to disconnect

I'm not going to tell you how this crisis your H is in is tearing him apart. He's hurting, running. I use to wonder and worry about my W. Until I got to the point and said to myself that W is in this alone. I pulled myself out of all this and looked at me and my D's. I got stronger and my mind is clear.

I want you to work on that. Don't care about the what and why's he does the things he does. Leave that to him. His problem. Remove that problem of HIS from your life and the kids lives.

I know I say it often. Detach... Let him go. Put your boundaries in place and protect you and your kids. You will be so much better once you see them not asking about your H anymore. It does get better. I read all your post and some of them you are so strong. Then H upsets you or your kids and the emotions take over and you fall. Remove the emotion of H. Stay strong.

Hugs
Irish

[inpain]

It's only my opinion but I have seen H do it with his eldest daughter. He'd say he'd be there but he'd do a no show. I don't tell my kids when their dad is coming because he hasn't turned up a couple of times. Like you Inpain I had to deal with it! Not doing it anymore as I'm not the one not turning up!

Thanks Rouky. What do you say to them if they ask though? Or don't they ask. I have tried just saying that I don't know a few times but S11 is very insistent and asks so much that I end up telling him S is currently saying to me that he is never speaking to H again if he doesn't come round today.

[inpain]

This is short term. Remember that. In the not too distant future there will be a schedule where he has to pick up the kids, or you drop them off at his place.

I wouldn't do anything about it until you reach that point. You can't force him to do anything anyway, and anything you do will come across as controlling...in the way he'll perceive it you'd be 'using the kids to control him'. Don't do it.

I see what you're saying Zues, but what about doing something about what it is doing to my kids? Would a text asking if he's still coming still be perceived as pursuing/using kids to control him? Why should he get to just treat everyone however he likes and have no consequences whatsoever? There must be some way of making the situation better without it being seen as controlling?

[inpain]

You don't know if he cares or not. You can't mind read. It may just be the guilt inside him is too much so he avoids contact, it could that he is out and time got away from him, maybe he just decided not to come.

Don't text him asking him the why. He will see you as his mother. That the last person you want to be.

Thanks Irish. You're right, I definitely don't want to come across as being his mother. I wasn't thinking of texting to ask why though, just to ask if he is still coming. Or is that still like being his mother? I'm not very good at all this second guessing my every move stuff. It's tiring. Wish I could go back to doing and saying whatever I like.

This is where you need to protect yourself and your kids from H.

But how? How do I protect them from him doing this? They ask me every day, "Is Daddy coming round?" "When is Daddy coming round?" "Have you heard from Daddy?"

I'm not going to tell you how this crisis your H is in is tearing him apart. He's hurting, running. I use to wonder and worry about my W. Until I got to the point and said to myself that W is in this alone. I pulled myself out of all this and looked at me and my D's. I got stronger and my mind is clear.

Maybe I'm already half way there, because I don't care if this is tearing him apart or if he's hurting: he's chosen it. What I do care about is what it is doing to my children though, but it doesn't seem to be making me stronger or clearing my mind.

[Rouky]

Hi Inpain, I tell my kids that I don't know why their dad isn't coming. I leave it like that. I know it hurts for your kids, unfortunately you can't control what your H does. For your son, if he is persistent, I'll tell him that you honestly don't know why his dad isn't coming.

It's really hard as our kids are hurt but in the long run they will realise that you have never stopped him from seeing them and that their dad chose not to see them.

Hang in there. What are your plans for today? Did you get snow?

[isittoolate]

Hi Inpain - does S11 have his own phone yet? My S11 is in Yr7 and has a phone as he commutes by train to school. S11 calls me or W every schoolday.

Get your kids to text H.....it's not controlling or using them though others might differ ....They have right to see him/talk to him.

[Irish M]

Hi Inpain

Your question on what to tell them. Tell them the truth. He's a No show and you don't know why he does this. Don't sugar coat it for them. My D's have cell phones and when my W upset them they let her know it. It didn't come from me.

The relationship your H has with his kids is his own. Don't make excuses for him either.

It's important your kids have the choice. I never once said a bad comment about my W to the D's. They came to their own conclusion.

Let your son call him and ask where are you dad? Has he ever called him before BD. Don't coach your S either. Your son knows what to say.
Your H will probably think you told your S to say certain things. Your H can think what he wants. It's on him.

I feel your pain so much because I went through this in the beginning. The crying from the D's. It nearly killed me. W would do something mean or say something hurtfull. I'd go back to the house because the D's texted me saying help.
I'd look at my W and ask her what does she think she is doing... I get a cold look and she'd say I was controlling the D's.

Your H like my W have to deal with it. Her loss, she's missed so much. Like your H. The day to day things and laughs.

I really don't know how they do it. I cant understand it. But then again I'm not crazy.

Hugs
Irish