Late to the game-2

[Sotto]

Hi Free, I think the most important aspect in all of this is to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror for many years to come and feel truly happy and at peace with our part.

From what you post below, I would question whether you are fully owning your part in all of this. It is true that all cheaters lie and it is also true that many become truly remorseful in time and cannot believe what they did - not all get to that point, but many do. It is best to stay mindful that how you feel now - 'I can never get past this' - may not be how you will always feel and it is good to give yourself enough time to know what you truly want.

Can I ask if you feel your W deserves a second chance, why you would not offer one? And if you are not interested in reconciling, why you are asking her if there is someone else?

The other aspect I'm picking up on is the whole 'my W is an enemy now and we will soon battle in court for high stakes.' I would always encourage people to stand firm on achieving a fair settlement in any D or separation proceedings, but I don't think the combative approach is the right way to go here. Why add that kind of drama to an already difficult situation? Without reading back, I'm not sure if you have children together, but if you do, I would certainly try and keep any proceedings as calm and pleasant as possible. It sounds as though you hope to 'punish' her in court for what she has done. And yes, I'm sure she has made mistakes (as doubtless you have too.) However, your response to those is yours to own.

You say you have zero regret on getting divorced and that is fully on her. Again, I would suggest that in almost every D, both parties have contributed, and it is important to examine this, understand your part, own it and work on that in order that you can hopefully have a better partnership at some point going forward. She also has a part and perhaps her part is bigger than hers, but that is hers to own or not. Part of future health and happiness is also achieving forgiveness - for yourself, for her, for OM and his part in the demise of your M. Again, it may be early days for that, but it is always a place to work towards.

I hope the above provides some food for thought, and I certainly hope you'll see the feedback as constructive. I hope for you, as I hope for all of us, that we'll emerge from this truly challenging time having learned much about ourselves and with richer lives for it.

Take care