I am just not sure how many men out there who think like this. I am finding that the 40+ year old male, is somewhat disillusioned by his experiences with his former wife/partner and seems somewhat resolved to being "true to himself"..."not changing for anyone"..."this is me, take or it leave it". For me these all seem very concrete positions. There is no flexibility for what intimate relationships call for. This is the starting place that some of these men are coming from. It feels so defended.
Funny, this is the same fear I have about women. I'd add "My kids will always come first", and "I don't need a man to be happy and won't put up with any crap".
I agree. What I bring to a relationship is very flexible. I have a job, children, hobbies, and a personality...so the structure of my life is somewhat shaped. But within that structure I would make my partner #1, and have no preconceived ideas on what to build with it. I'd want to build that together and merge lives with someone else's structure. That's what I think is funny about personal adds. I'm not all about listing what my life is. I'm like, 'let's discover what our life together could be'. And of course the structure could change a bit as well. I'll never be one of those people that never remarries and has a girlfriend where we keep our own houses. I'm all in or not interested.
At least we know we've still got people like us out there. And it adds value. When you ask yourself 'what do I bring', you can now answer 'an attitude that gives a real relationship a chance'. Some people might want a nice fling with an independent woman that passes herself off as hot stuff, to me I'd rather stab myself in the leg with a pen. I'll take real and gritty and ready to climb the mount everest of marriage anyday...
Respectfully yours,
Z
Where are these men who think like you, who want to DB the sh*t out of their marriage to get their wives back. Are they all married? Fully engaging in their commitment.
I guess my comments are just a reflection of my frustration of being lonely. I miss being part of a couple. I guess I miss feeling loved. I wonder if I would ever be enough inspiration for man to want to DB.
That's what I keep thinking - the good ones are taken. And I really want a partnership. But not at any cost. And how the he!! do I find someone with enough self awareness to not run away or give up at the first sign of trouble.
Flew to Christchurch, hired a camper van and spent about 2 weeks touring South Island and half a week in the North. Then stayed with friends in Auckland . I remember having dinner in the Sky Tower revolving restaurant...another highlight.
W was pregnant ( 2 months) with first son so it was 12 years ago not 8! We didn't get as much tramping done as we would have liked because she was pregnant.
Sigh ......
Is,
Sounds like you saw NZ in the best way possible traveling the road. One of the biggest tramping countries in the world. I'm glad you had a good time here. It's beautiful part of the world. I'm glad you got to see it. I like there are boarders that know some of the places I see everyday. Some other brilliant restaurants have come up around the skytower now. Aucklanders have access to some amazing food.
That's what I keep thinking - the good ones are taken. And I really want a partnership. But not at any cost. And how the he!! do I find someone with enough self awareness to not run away or give up at the first sign of trouble.
Sigh.
I guess Gmum, you choose well, then rely a lot of on how much you have developed and grown yourself and then, some pray and some luck. That's my plan.
There are some beautiful, good, insightful, sexy, self aware and soulful men on the boards Gmum. You gotta hope you might run into similar IRL at sometime.
There is still hope for you Gmum, really with H or someone else. You have so much spirit, beautiful inside and out. Hold your hope. It is too soon for you to become hopeless and cynical.
I love the Swingers movie too btw. My Mr M, was a Vince Vaughan type - looks and personality. Watch any Vince Vaughan movie, that's him. Can't help thinking of Mr M whenever I see him in a movie.
Something Mu wrote recently has raised some interesting thoughts for me. To badly paraphrase he was asking about self forgiveness and how one does it. Mu said he would try.
I have been asking myself for months, how does one have self love and self worth. I am beginning to think that Yoda may have the answer "do or not do, there is no try".
When I try to make this happen and do all the things that people who love themselves do, I find myself with such resistance. I think I have been seeing this as more of an action, rather than a feeling or a state mind. That somehow if I could just learn how to do it, suddenly all the information would click together one day and I would just feel self love and worthiness.
But in the last week, it seems to me that self love and self worth are more a state of being rather than doing. I am sure that most of you are going "Duh" but this is a new way of thinking for me.
I think it my relationships knowing that I didn't love myself or feel worthy of love, just made me feel like I had to try and prove otherwise. I anticipated that my needs wouldn't be met and they rarely were.
So I have been thinking that the answer to Mu's question about how forgive yourself self and mine about to have self love and self worth. Well I think the answer is you just decide to. You just decide to forgive yourself and decide to live your life as person who is forgiven. I just have decide that I love myself and be worthy and live my life that way.
Maybe this is completely simplistic thinking. But what if this is the case.
It is the case, Jelly. I believe in God. Others call it a Higher Power. Either way, the HP only knows love. There is no disappointment, judgement, or failures. It is only pure love. I am a child of God. I am unique. I am special. I make mistakes all the time - but that is part of my purpose here...to learn, to grow, to develop.
We were meant to love and be loved. We are already loved by something so much more pure than we can ever be. We are loved before, during, and after any mistakes or failures on our parts. I was created for a purpose, because I was loved. How can I NOT love something that was created by something far greater than I will ever know or fully understand? To not love a lovingly created being, seems a sin in and of itself.
Even when I was at my lowest, it wasn't self-hatred. It was pain driving me. A lot of it is The Law of Attraction. You attract that to you which you are expecting. I have no doubts that after I have learned the lessons this season has to teach me, I will be happy again. I fully believe that.
You know that beautiful soul full of compassion you have, Jelly? Turn it inwards. You have a beautiful soul. I can see it. Others can see it. Trust me, it is there. You are worthy of love. You are special. There is no reason not to love yourself. If you have to, look at it as choosing to love the creation of God. You are not, and never were, a mistake. You were designed and put here, with love.
It is that simple. The truth though, is that the simplest things are sometimes the hardest things to understand. It just is. Love what God made....that is you.
It is the case, Jelly. I believe in God. Others call it a Higher Power. Either way, the HP only knows love. There is no disappointment, judgement, or failures. It is only pure love. I am a child of God. I am unique. I am special. I make mistakes all the time - but that is part of my purpose here...to learn, to grow, to develop.
We were meant to love and be loved. We are already loved by something so much more pure than we can ever be. We are loved before, during, and after any mistakes or failures on our parts. I was created for a purpose, because I was loved. How can I NOT love something that was created by something far greater than I will ever know or fully understand? To not love a lovingly created being, seems a sin in and of itself.
Even when I was at my lowest, it wasn't self-hatred. It was pain driving me. A lot of it is The Law of Attraction. You attract that to you which you are expecting. I have no doubts that after I have learned the lessons this season has to teach me, I will be happy again. I fully believe that.
You know that beautiful soul full of compassion you have, Jelly? Turn it inwards. You have a beautiful soul. I can see it. Others can see it. Trust me, it is there. You are worthy of love. You are special. There is no reason not to love yourself. If you have to, look at it as choosing to love the creation of God. You are not, and never were, a mistake. You were designed and put here, with love.
It is that simple. The truth though, is that the simplest things are sometimes the hardest things to understand. It just is. Love what God made....that is you.
Thank you Ancaire for you kind words. Much love JellyBxxx
Hello my most favorite in the world Kiwi, has the universe delivered anything entertaining today for your amusement? I have the day off and I will spend it creating and reading.
I google imaged the places you referenced a couple pages back, they look beautiful. If I ever make it to Australia, I will make sure I travel through New Zealand. I would love see the stars of the southern sky for the first time with you.
I have decided to maintain a higher state of vigilance in respect to three issues in my current evolution, Codependency, self love and strength of character. If I can get better footing in these three aspects of my life my path would not seem so arduous.
I heard a movie quote and it gave me pause. I am not sure if it is true. I would like to get your thoughts on it.
"Inner beauty's the easiest thing in the world to see when you're looking for it... The brain sees what the heart wants it to feel."
I believe the first line is true. Do you believe the second line is true? If this is true, it is a double edged sword. It would explain why we fall in love and why it can change. What do you think? Is it emotion transformed into thought? Do you think it can work the other way also? I don't know what to think. I guess I can't see the forest because the trees block my view.
Thank you for your post JB. Your words meant more to me than you know.
I don't have the answers on self love or self worth. Personally I think they might be a bit overrated in the following way: If you feel there is some better life that you can only have once you crack some code of self worth...then you will spend your life trying to figure it out, wondering if you have solved it yet, poking, prodding, asking 'am I there yet, can I start enjoying my life to the fullest yet?'
No, I believe life can be awesome even if you struggle with self worth. There is nothing you're missing. Nothing except giving yourself permission to enjoy the screwed up life you have. Self love isn't about changing how you feel about yourself. It's about changing how you feel about how you feel about yourself.
I don't know, thought I'd try that on and see if it worked. Bottom line JB, whether you do or do not, you're pretty cool. And so what if you want a man's love. You'll get it. And some guys might consider a tiny bit of dependence a good thing vs. the independence we were talking about earlier. In the meantime, thanks for being on the forums. Did I mention I'm reading my kids Lord of the Rings? Someday I have to check out Hobbiton...
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
