Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

Here's a quick summary of the big things I have learned so far throughout my DB journey, roughly in the order I learned it:

- I have work to do on becoming more empathetic. I have deep issues with emotional self-validation stemming from birth trauma and a mother who was emotionally unresponsive to me. Since I have trouble empathizing with myself, I also have trouble empathizing with others. As a result of this, I haven't always been emotionally responsive and understanding toward my W. Or anyone in my life, for that matter.
- Throughout the R, my critical and demanding behavior made me less attractive to my W. I had underlying expectations throughout the R and didn't always respect her free will. I have work to do on communicating my needs in ways that are more respectful of her free will.
- My own fear of being alone led me to lower my standards and tolerate red flag behavior from the beginning. I never set any clear boundaries or expectations before we got married because I was afraid it would push her away and I was too attached. I wasn't objective or honest about the seriousness of the R problems that I observed from the beginning, so I swept them under the carpet.
- My W has never learned to hold up her part of what it takes to keep a M healthy. Given her upbringing, it's not her fault, but she is responsible for doing something about it and our M will never be healthy unless she does. I always thought I could influence her and motivate her learn this, but I can't. She has to decide she wants to on her own.
- No matter how excruciatingly it hurts to be in limbo, or how certain I think I am that my W is the one who is primarily responsible for our R problems, I could not live with the decision to end the M myself if it did not come from a certainty that I obtained from higher wisdom and grace.