Nothing wrong with those things you mentioned for wanting her back, but here's the thing that you already know. Those things aren't in your control, none of them. You only possess 1/2 of the equation for a new R being built and no matter what you do with that 1/2 it wont change her 1/2 if she doesn't want it to. So why put so much energy into something you cant change?
Here's another thought from my IC when I kept being attached to the idea of us having a great M in the future if she would only work on things. I was willing to do the work and I could see how good a M would be after what I've learned while DB'ing. That reality, a great M with her, is a possibility that may never have been. This may have always been the end of the road with her and me together. Living in a bad M or becoming better people, but not with eachother. It doesn't mean that M cant happen, but your stuck in the fact that if she were to come back it WILL happen. There's no guarantee of that.
I understand always thinking about her and wanting her to come back. How it consumes your thinking unless you're consumed in something else. It [censored] but you staying in that thinking is just prolonging it. Chasing the thoughts of what could be, is just a cheeseless tunnel. Fearing the future, is a cheeseless tunnel. I've done it enough to understand that even if I cant always stop myself.
Look at your last sentence. You have two options. Stay consumed with thinking of her while expending all this energy into something you cant change. Or move forward with your life and she either comes back or someone else comes along.
I'm guessing you chase thoughts of what a M could be and each time she does something that leads away from that it makes you miserable. Don't chase the thoughts, let the first come into your mind and recognize what it is but don't chase.
For instance, I think of W and this old guy friend shes babysitting for all the time now. D5 tells me they had pizza together, so I know hes been in her house for more than dropping kids off for babysitting. The anxiety fills my gut and my mind chases the thoughts. Shes spending time with him, talking to him, sharing her personal feelings. She knows about his GF and talks about him to her sister. Shes been texting alot lately, she seems happier when I see her. Why cant she share her thoughts with me, why cant she see the work I've done and want our M back. Why cant she see we could have a great M together if she would see her actions are ruining that life we could have. etc, etc, etc. Before I know it its been hours I've been in that mood.
So now I do something different. Something brings to mind her and the guy. I recognize the anxiety filling my gut and I call it out in my mind. Fear, anxiety, pain, jealously. I sit with it the feelings and don't try not to think about them. This is important, you wont be able to force yourself NOT to think about W, just don't get dragged into continuing to think about her and chasing one thought to the next.
Most the time when I spell out those feelings in my mind the gut feeling almost immediately goes away. If my mind wants to start chasing that train onto the next thought, I cut if off with a huge stop sign and I watch the train leave while I sit there. Then I look around in my mind and it seems peaceful and I feel better that I'm not on that train. So instead of spending the next several hours feeling down and miserable about a M I cant control, I feel better and move onto something I enjoy doing. Working on the best me possible. The feeling might come back in a few minutes and I have to cut that train off again but at least I'm not riding the same miserable loop for hours at a time.
Also, gtfo off FB. I know for what I would do when on it. Search through posts of mutual friends and see which one W liked. Wondering why she liked this one, what she might be thinking. Looking for a glimpse of hope she might be thinking about me and reconsidering. Your just riding the same train through the same cheeseless tunnel.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fogg - those are some great tips! I especially like the one about distracting yourself from the feeling of the emotions by naming them. That is going in my playbook!
I had to end FB a long time ago. The drama it was creating! So not worth it. I'm actually quite a bit more calm, and that started almost immediately after I gave up FB.
Dday, I went through a period where when I started obsessing over H, or being tempted to text or call him, I'd do pushups or cleaning instead. I hate pushups and I hate cleaning. After just a few days I reduced my obsessing substantially and my house and biceps were looking good! It really worked for me, I am that lazy, that my brain just stopped obsessing, it wasn't worth the "work".
I unfriended AND blocked H from FB for a while because it was too painful to look at his postings.
It's never a "wrong" thing to do to tell the woman that you love that you love her. Just continue to make yourself the best you that you can be. The most attractive you that you can be. I don't mean just physically, although you should get/keep yourself in shape, but overall as a person. Be a great dad. Don't lose your temper. Be sweet. Be a guy that women would love to be with and you ex might just be one of those women.
Thanks guys! I love the support here. Tx, thanks a bunch. That makes me feel like I am definately on the right track. I am doing everything else pretty well, I just think about her too much. Fo, I remember the pushups! I know I obsess about this. It's the hardest/worst thing to go through, and I haven't been able to get it off my mind.
Fogg, I don't actively look for things by xw on fb. I just stumble across them sometimes. Things between us go well, never argue or anything. Neither of us are dating... I thought about it, but it's just trying to escape reality I think. I do see things going well, and my mind grabs that and runs with it. Then, a few days later and everything is the same or maybe took a step back, and I get bummed. Too much hope and too high of expectations are what kills me. Is that the same as being attached? May be 2 seperate issues I am dealing with. Not sure.
I need to get moving on the house building. I can get land bought and paperwork done before the ground thaws and be ready to move on it. S9,(it's his bday!) Is worried that when I buy ground, we can never reconcile. I told him that we can always sell it, if need be. These kids are pretty perceptive. Our (Xw now) home is a huge old farmhouse on 10 acres, with a big pond. An awesome place to raise boys, but expensive. I plan on building a somewhat smaller, much more efficient home on 1 or 2 acres. It will be less than half the cost and much more modern. So IF we r, we will have options for the future.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
This is what you should throw yourself into. Buy the land and get going, build that house. While your doing the excavation use the extra dirt and build a track and get your sons a little dirt bike, make some small dips and jumps. They'll love that house then.
Your own mind is going to make things harder for you. Running eith those thoughts are exactly what I was talking about anf I've done it for a long time aswell. Me and W have got alone and nor argued for....well I can't even remember how long now, but it's been much more than the fighting the last year. It's still trying to judge things by information you don't have. You don't know what she's really thinking and getting along doesn't mean she will come back.
Yes, you are on the right track and doing many things right but patience and your own mind trying to piece together when she will come back are your biggest enemies. You're going to constantly look at those things you feel are going well (which don't mean she will come back) and weight them against the bad (which don't mean much of anything either). It's like have 3 pieces of a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle and thinking you have a clear picture of what's going on in her mind and you can't even tell if all of the 3 pieces you do have are to the right puzzle.
It doesn't mean she won't come back, she might. But stay on that train only thinking about it and you're going to miss the chance to live and be happy without her.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
This is what you should throw yourself into. Buy the land and get going, build that house. While your doing the excavation use the extra dirt and build a track and get your sons a little dirt bike, make some small dips and jumps. They'll love that house then.
When God gives you lemons, make lemonade
Dday, yes! If you let your son's have a huge dirt pile that will trump any other childhood memory you could give them. Maybe you should build a big mud room with a shower in it in your new house, or an outdoor shower, lol.
Be glad you have boys, they are SO much easier than girls. You can throw yourself into this project while at the same time being Dad of the year. I think you should go for it.
Fo, I like the outdoor shower idea! Never seen one, other than at a beach, but it would be useful. 3 kids, ponds, dirt bikes and farmground. I am beating up pinter estate now, finding ideas for the boys mancave. S7 wants a Murphy bed. S9 wants this living cube thing, and s5 doesn't care, because he plans on sleeping on my chest until he graduates!
I know that it will consume me while I build it, and that is exactly what I need right now. Swinging a hammer is great stress relief too.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Love, love, love the shower and mudroom ideas! What fun...and Mut's bike track! Your boys would be in heaven.
As soon as you get started on this project, I think detachment will be a LOT easier. You'll have something on your mind all the time other than W - and that makes all the difference in the world.
It's funny Murphy beds are becoming so popular again. I have a friend who just built a house with two of them in the media room. Smaller house, but with more options. He actually built his house in his barn - he put up this gigantic barn, half of it is shop, pool, karaoke, and the other half is house. I guess you can save on taxes that way. Very interesting approach.
