Julie, I feel the exact same way about my H and the resentment going both ways. I still have a ton of resentment but I decided several months ago to work that out in IC and here on the board, and focus my communication with him on just trying to understand him. I really feel like for me that was the turning point. It is not easy and I still wonder when I will get to voice my issues, if ever, and maybe at a certain point I won't need to any more. Or maybe when/if I do "get my turn" the intensity of my resentment will be a lot less and it will be an easier conversation. For now I know that trying to be heard, or to be "understood" was really just continuing our high conflict situation and wasn't working. I feel better now. Not like its been resolved, but my personal stress is decreased and I am happier.
My H, like yours, seems to not be doing well emotionally and the fact that I see him suffering makes it easier to put my issues on hold, in the scheme of things, I can wait. I have had a couple of slip-ups, so the emotion is still there, and H still is aware of how I feel, but for the most part I have let go of my need to defend myself or "make him see my side."
For what its worth, time will tell but this approach "feels" right to me, and from your post, it seems like your heart is softening and maybe this is the change in the dynamic you need as well.
I know the night is almost over (depending on where you are, I guess!) but happy birthday and good night.
