Adventures of PP, Woofie, and the WAW (10)

[PigPen]

Interesting day DB'ers. Something that may especially help the men.

I am part of a very deep working men's group now and today I brought up that my W had said she felt fearful of me in our M. I spoke openly about being confused about this but agreed that I was often frustrated and even angry during my M. Part of the Mr. NG script is covert contracts thus not getting our needs met which leads to anger.

Having the constant cycle of withdrawal/checking out also made me more susceptible to being temperamental.

The leader of our group had me lie on my back and had the other six men hold me down by leaning heavily on my legs, arms, and chest, while he pushed my head down. My instructions were to try to get up but not thrash uncontrollably. I was also allowed to yell and make as much noise as I wanted. And so I did. I failed to get up but provided a challenge for the men. The goal was for me to both release and experience my own anger.

In the roundtable afterwards, two of the men said they were scared during the experience. That even though they knew they were safe the raw physicality and strength coupled with loud noises triggered deep fear responses in them. They told me they could understand that a woman living with me would be able to pick up on the strength differences and anger that was bottled up and they could empathize with her.

This was very powerful as I know my own strength, but in relation to other men. I always considered myself "small" at 180 pounds because I was a late developer.

The leader of our group also explained when we never let our partner see our real, authentic anger, not our aggression but our anger, she never learns to experience it in a safe way. So then when it inevitably leaks out in slammed doors, or verbal outbursts, it's considerably scarier.

This was hard to hear, and made me feel a lot of empathy for my W too. Just because I "knew" I would never harm her even in my deepest of anger, she didn't because it was always a mystery to her when it would come and it's existence was completely denied.

My assignment for the rest of the weekend is to say out loud any time that I feel even a small irritation.

Another lesson to be learned on this DB journey.