Adventures of PP, Woofie, and the WAW (10)

[Elly4]

And I'm all for the visit in NE!

[Vanilla]

PP

It is not my place and I am going to say this any way, I am so proud of you becoming a man only a fool would leave.

V

[Mona52]

PP,

I love stopping by this thread. I know when I come here that I will not find a hot mess in crazytown, but inspiration on how to keep calm and move forward. Life has so many possibilities, even if they are around the globe! I know people on here who have placed themselves in a prison, shackled by raising children or pleasing WAS's and I pray constantly that they come here and see that ANYTHING is possible. But they CANT have anything unless they first dream it and take a baby step towards it.

I know for a fact that when you started your journey, you never EXPECTED you would succeed in the way you did. You took small steps in the right direction and gained super momentum that probably shocked even you.

I bet there were times when you were terrified because good things were actually happening. It had to be some trick of the universe and at any second someone would jump out and say "just kidding, you get nothing!"

But you kept taking steps toward what you believed was a good life for you.

Did everything work as planned? No, but it is still a work in progress. Are your changes fake and only to win W back? Maybe at first, yes, but no one can look at your life and say you live it only for her. You live your life for you and no matter what, you will be happy.

[PigPen]

Thank you Lady V, that's a huge compliment coming from you. I feel like I'm close to being a man only a fool would leave but still have work to do. I'm doing it though, just yesterday I had a session with an "intimacy coach". These people do exist! And no, it's not as steamy as it sounds. He talked for 90 minutes about emotions and vulnerability.

And Mona, you are still the light of my life these days. I want to chop some wood in your yard without my shirt on.

Just did my second to last Woofie swap with the WAW. It was one of our quickest. I went into it knowing that I didn't want to get drawn into any long conversation as I'm already a bit fried from saying my goodbyes to people this week here at home. Plus I knew if I did get drawn into it I would feel worse afterwards.

So we hugged, swapped his majesty, gave each other Christmas presents (little ones), decided on the next swap time, hugged again, and that was it. Not a mention of anything happening in our own lives.

Since it's the DB board and I'm still DB'ing, I also didn't want to get drawn into any conversation about our D. My STBXW had previously stated that she wanted everything wrapped up with our D by the time I leave...which means all wrapped up by next Friday. We haven't met once with attorneys. I haven't even talked to mine since the first time I met with her months ago. I'm only partially available on Tue and Wed of next week. That's it. Not sure how we'd make this work.

My W hasn't mentioned it in the last few conversations so of course, neither have I. It's also seemed like the less I ask her about anything or show any interest, the more often she calls me.

Are we emotionally D'ed? Yes we are. I know this. It's been over a year now . As detached as I am fellow DB'ers, I still believe until the paperwork is signed and sealed and a judge stamps it, it's not yet official. I believe in the long game, even if that game does end up coming to its conclusion next week.

I believe in the commitment I made on my wedding day, even if that means we are not together for over two years. I won't give up the last 1% of hope until the courts tell me I have to legally.

I believe that now at least. Who knows what this adventure will show me or who. As of tonight I still think my W is the most beautiful woman in the world. Truly. She looked stunning in nothing more than a jacket, a beanie, and a scarf. She caught my breath for a second and I had to pretend that our little Buddha was running out into the street to recover myself.

Another day in the game. Another day still in the fight, sort of. Another day to grow and get better.

And guess what fellow DB'ers? Yesterday I posted an article on my new website about a part of the upcoming trip that already took place - a conversation I had with an ex. At 8pm this evening it's been read over 1500 times. It was the nod from the Universe I needed to feel like I'm on the right path.

Big hugs to you all,

PP

[mutatio]

I wish to become the man you have become dear friend. Is there a way to find your new website? You may want to leave this all behind when you start your new journey. I already miss you. Be well

[PigPen]

Thank you Mu, I'm still figuring out the man I am.

Not sure how to share my website here now that the edit button is gone! I'll think about some creative ways to have you follow without giving myself completely away.

Happy Friday DB'ers.

PP

[trumpet]

PigPen,

Set up a fake twitter account.

Tell us the fake twitter. We tweet to you, you tweet back to us the website.

Would that work?

[angel r]

Pigpen your stitch sounds wonderful. So full of positive vibes. I wish you nothing but the best. I have been at peace and it feels wonderful. I no longer miss my wife, i dont want to be married the woman she is now. I am better. I am a good husband. I am a good father, I am a good provider. I look back in my life and i wonder why i ever believed the negative things she told me. I was so blind back then. Like you said , i wouldnt change anything this past year , since this tribulation has only been a gift to me and has produced a stronger character in me.

Best wishes !

[PigPen]

Interesting day DB'ers. Something that may especially help the men.

I am part of a very deep working men's group now and today I brought up that my W had said she felt fearful of me in our M. I spoke openly about being confused about this but agreed that I was often frustrated and even angry during my M. Part of the Mr. NG script is covert contracts thus not getting our needs met which leads to anger.

Having the constant cycle of withdrawal/checking out also made me more susceptible to being temperamental.

The leader of our group had me lie on my back and had the other six men hold me down by leaning heavily on my legs, arms, and chest, while he pushed my head down. My instructions were to try to get up but not thrash uncontrollably. I was also allowed to yell and make as much noise as I wanted. And so I did. I failed to get up but provided a challenge for the men. The goal was for me to both release and experience my own anger.

In the roundtable afterwards, two of the men said they were scared during the experience. That even though they knew they were safe the raw physicality and strength coupled with loud noises triggered deep fear responses in them. They told me they could understand that a woman living with me would be able to pick up on the strength differences and anger that was bottled up and they could empathize with her.

This was very powerful as I know my own strength, but in relation to other men. I always considered myself "small" at 180 pounds because I was a late developer.

The leader of our group also explained when we never let our partner see our real, authentic anger, not our aggression but our anger, she never learns to experience it in a safe way. So then when it inevitably leaks out in slammed doors, or verbal outbursts, it's considerably scarier.

This was hard to hear, and made me feel a lot of empathy for my W too. Just because I "knew" I would never harm her even in my deepest of anger, she didn't because it was always a mystery to her when it would come and it's existence was completely denied.

My assignment for the rest of the weekend is to say out loud any time that I feel even a small irritation.

Another lesson to be learned on this DB journey.

[JellyB]

This is powerful stuff PP. You are so awesome at jumping into the emotional unknown and trusting the process. Your openness to learning and life is inspirational. Thanks for sharing this. I know I have my own nice girl issues with anger. I often wonder about Anger and my relationship with my weight.

Your my soul guru PP. Loving your work!

JellyBxxx