dday, rebooted

[Fogg]

Nothing wrong with those things you mentioned for wanting her back, but here's the thing that you already know. Those things aren't in your control, none of them. You only possess 1/2 of the equation for a new R being built and no matter what you do with that 1/2 it wont change her 1/2 if she doesn't want it to. So why put so much energy into something you cant change?

Here's another thought from my IC when I kept being attached to the idea of us having a great M in the future if she would only work on things. I was willing to do the work and I could see how good a M would be after what I've learned while DB'ing. That reality, a great M with her, is a possibility that may never have been. This may have always been the end of the road with her and me together. Living in a bad M or becoming better people, but not with eachother. It doesn't mean that M cant happen, but your stuck in the fact that if she were to come back it WILL happen. There's no guarantee of that.

I understand always thinking about her and wanting her to come back. How it consumes your thinking unless you're consumed in something else. It [censored] but you staying in that thinking is just prolonging it. Chasing the thoughts of what could be, is just a cheeseless tunnel. Fearing the future, is a cheeseless tunnel. I've done it enough to understand that even if I cant always stop myself.

Look at your last sentence. You have two options. Stay consumed with thinking of her while expending all this energy into something you cant change. Or move forward with your life and she either comes back or someone else comes along.

I'm guessing you chase thoughts of what a M could be and each time she does something that leads away from that it makes you miserable. Don't chase the thoughts, let the first come into your mind and recognize what it is but don't chase.

For instance, I think of W and this old guy friend shes babysitting for all the time now. D5 tells me they had pizza together, so I know hes been in her house for more than dropping kids off for babysitting. The anxiety fills my gut and my mind chases the thoughts. Shes spending time with him, talking to him, sharing her personal feelings. She knows about his GF and talks about him to her sister. Shes been texting alot lately, she seems happier when I see her. Why cant she share her thoughts with me, why cant she see the work I've done and want our M back. Why cant she see we could have a great M together if she would see her actions are ruining that life we could have. etc, etc, etc. Before I know it its been hours I've been in that mood.

So now I do something different. Something brings to mind her and the guy. I recognize the anxiety filling my gut and I call it out in my mind. Fear, anxiety, pain, jealously. I sit with it the feelings and don't try not to think about them. This is important, you wont be able to force yourself NOT to think about W, just don't get dragged into continuing to think about her and chasing one thought to the next.

Most the time when I spell out those feelings in my mind the gut feeling almost immediately goes away. If my mind wants to start chasing that train onto the next thought, I cut if off with a huge stop sign and I watch the train leave while I sit there. Then I look around in my mind and it seems peaceful and I feel better that I'm not on that train. So instead of spending the next several hours feeling down and miserable about a M I cant control, I feel better and move onto something I enjoy doing. Working on the best me possible. The feeling might come back in a few minutes and I have to cut that train off again but at least I'm not riding the same miserable loop for hours at a time.

Also, gtfo off FB. I know for what I would do when on it. Search through posts of mutual friends and see which one W liked. Wondering why she liked this one, what she might be thinking. Looking for a glimpse of hope she might be thinking about me and reconsidering. Your just riding the same train through the same cheeseless tunnel.