In the Arena III- Becoming Hilariously Pleased

[Zues126]

I can't believe I'm typing this. You all will probably think someone hacked my password. But here goes:

I don't think it's black and white.

There isn't healthy or unhealthy, independent or co-dependent, personality or personality disorder. They are all on a spectrum.

For me, I have given up on the idea of perfecting myself. The idea of working on all of my personality flaws, dependencies, neediness, etc...I have made peace with a lot of it. Now I have learned a bit so I process things differently, don't always feel the same emotions as I have a different perspective, and process my emotions in a slightly healthier way...and having seen the damage I've caused by being less responsible I think I'd be a bit more sensitive and mature. But we're talking about degrees, not night and day.

I don't expect any different from my partner. I read the 'passion trap' book where they talked about how in every relationship there is a push/pull dynamic, from time together, to sexual desire, to much more. I think the idea of trying to find a fit so perfect that it eliminates conflict is chasing the unicorn. I believe it's more important to find a partner that takes their role and commitment as a spouse seriously enough to transcend their natural desires and find ways to partner so that both people can feel fulfilled.

Things to avoid in my mind are people that think their feelings are more valid than their partners, who form perspectives based on their feelings that they think are 'correct', who diminish their partner's needs because they conflict with theirs, then point at their partners inevitable flaws to justify why they are right and their partner is wrong and needs to change to fit their bill...and who finally leaves to find a 'better fit'.

Instead I'd like to find a partner who can understand that is playing out on both sides of the coin, we're both right, we're both wrong, we're both flawed, and we need to somehow mix in time together and time apart, sexual binges and some patience when life gets in the way, a vacation where every day is spent joined at the hip and a vacation separate where H can hang with guy friends and W with girlfriends. But in the end both parties should be aware of each other's needs, fears, insecurities, and desires, and make them a priority.

I do think that's possible, and I look forward to it someday. Frankly I don't think there's a level of neediness that would scare off a man that can manage that, as long as you can do the same. Which may mean there are weeks you don't get the level of emotional support you want, followed by weeks where you can get as close as you want. Or something like that.

As to how to recognize that individual...I'm not sure. For me I think the best answer would be their past, and their conversation. At this point I feel I'm pretty 'hulked out' in the sense that I've been on these boards an hour a day for 18 months. I feel like I can tell how someone thinks to some extent. In pool, where I play high level, I know how good someone is before seeing them play just by hearing them talk. And after competing enough in sales and pool I can often times tell how good someone is in their field, even if I know nothing about it, because I see the same patterns of attitudes and outlooks, and I know what type of results that equates to on the bell curve. So I hope that by remaining on these forums and continuing to do the work I can reach a point where I can have a conversation with someone and get a good read on where they're at, then listen to them talk about their past, how they've made life decisions, etc. If someone talked about DBing for 2 years after the loss of their marriage, for example, that would send a totally different message than someone who says they left because their last partner was abusive and they couldn't live with them anymore.

Good conversation JB. I hope my reply conveys the deep respect I have for you