dday, rebooted

[dday]

Thanks anc. It is the truth. I wish we weren't together so often, it makes this so much harder. I keep seeing signs, but I am looking for them. I need to stop. Haven't been able to do that yet for more than a few days at a time. Then back to this spiral.

Az. Thanks. I have seen xw every day for a week, so I guess it's a bit of both. I will keep it up though. I am more fun to be with now. Kids, not even just mine, come over and talk to me at ballgames etc. I am more outgoing. I am generally more comfortable with myself, especially when she isn't around. It's easier then for whatever reason. I have found many people who are helpful and concerned... that care about me. That is huge for my self worth, proves that I am a good person. I knew that, but positive reinforcement is a good thing.

I have no issues with being unlovable, just with the current sitch. I have had issues with being guilty about being happy... I know screwed up, but true. I have gotten past that, with help from ic. I have actually gotten over and through a lot of stuff from my past. That has been freeing.

The past couple days haven't been great. I will work on the rest of today being better. And tomorrow I get the boys. That is always more fun

[dday]

Doing somewhat better today. Last night was rough. I was bored and scrolling through FB and a mutual friend posted something along the lines of "Life gets better when you stop chasing someone that doesn't care about you." It made me stop and think a bit, and I then saw that XW had "liked" it. I truly hope that she doesn't see me in that way. I love her more than life, even when I wasn't able to show it. Then I received a message from a friend... "remember, this isn't about you, it's all about her." That is so true, and I needed to be reminded of it.

I need to somehow remember that every day. I think it can go a long way for me. There is nothing I can do to show her anything. She has to do some work for herself, on herself. I am doing mine. It's all I can do. Better myself and be a great dad to my boys. I need to tattoo that in my brain...

[dday]

Well, I kinda did some anti dbing a couple days ago. At kid swap, I walked into the house after the kids ran and got into the car. Asked xw about the rumor that she was dating. She denied it, and told me that she used that as an excuse when she was asked out. (Then she told me about our friends knowing this story and helping her with it.) So, I do believe her.

Everything has seemed to be getting easier and friendlier with us. Less pressure after d is over? So, I was tearing up, and told her that I still love her. That I want us back. That I realize that things weren't great and that we let our kids wants come before our needs. She told me that she never would have thought that we would be in this sitch. I told her that I hope we aren't in it forever, And told her that I keep hoping she will come to me and tell me that she is ready to work on us. She made a comment, somewhere along the lines of we will see.

I'm not sure if I am reading too much into things, but it seemed different this time. I know my hopes are up again. Still have trouble regulating that. She was texting me yesterday morning. She told me the plans with the kids and her parents for Sunday after church. I would give my right arm to get my family back together and make things great with my xw again. I feel that I have removed all the bad habits that I had in the M. Still can make myself a better person, but I have made huge progress. For me to be able to say that is a huge step, I have always been very hard on myself.


How much have I screwed up with this?


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Boys are all talking to me more this weekend about the d, living arrangements, emotions, etc. 2 out of 3 cried this weekend already about us being split apart. I have tried to direct them to pray for what they want. It is a good outlet, and a good way to help them get a r with God. S8, who will be 9 tomorrow!, said that he has started talking to xw about his feelings. That is great because I was afraid that she was shutting him out, even if it wasn't intentional. S8 is also not happy that I am looking to build, because to him it is more permanent then. I feel so bad for these little guys. They are hurting as much as I am. And they all have a cold, which helps nothing...

[Ancaire]

D - Oh, my. Shaking my head at you right now. How much have you screwed up? Probably not much, and you know why?

You have yet to detach - she already knows how you feel. You're not making a lot of progress in this area. You are GAL, working on yourself, being a great dad, talking to an IC. You're doing a lot of things right.

But this one thing? It is the most important, and you're so in love with W, you don't want to detach. That's really all there is to it. It's kind of a shame, because I can guarantee that she will be happy to go on like this for years, if you're willing to let her.

It isn't until the WAS realizes that they could really lose you that they have the potential to wake up. Once they feel you pulling away, for real, they begin to examine just what it is they're doing.

I understand you, completely. I know why you don't want to give up. I am also certain this is why she is so happy with the status quo. She's got you. She's got her own house. She's got everything she wants. Why would she change? What is she losing by continuing on this path?

Maybe you're right. Maybe she's thinking a little. Maybe your talk will really have an impact. You read these boards all the time. What do you think?

So, don't beat yourself up too much. No, you shouldn't have done it. But what difference does it really make? She already knows.

I'm not griping at you. I hope it doesn't come off that way. I just see it so clearly from my end. What are we going to have to do to get you to drop that rope? Cut off your arm?

[mutatio]

dday you are doing all you can do. You are living in the moment. Being the best dad you can be. Treating your wife with love and compassion. You are also using your skills and talents to prepare for one possible future by building a house for you and the boys. You are playing this hand perfectly. Now all you can do is live well and see how your wife evolves. Your building the foundation for a different life, be patient

[dday]

Mu, thanks for support. I do think I am doing some things right.

Anc, you are correct. I am still so much in love with her. I do think that she is thinking a bit. No, my conversation had nothing to do with that. I imagine my boys actually talking to her now does. I bet seeing all of our friends and their non-fractured families at all these events does. I think the lack of pressure is probably helping a bit. Or even the bulletin board at the church/nursery school... families are forever because love never melts.

Detach. I know I need to. Haven't figured out how. Something just refuses to click in my head so far. I thought I had a bit of it a couple weeks ago. Lasted until I saw her a few times and our interactions were positive. I have read the links on why it's important. What it can do. Still can't get there. I think I would be a DB ace if I could get that down. Any advice as to HOW to do it?

[Ancaire]

I have a few ideas - but you've already tried them.

The first is to stop thinking about her. Every time you catch yourself, redirect.

Keep busy, busy, busy...that way you'll distract yourself from thinking about her.

Try redirecting the boys. They know you hear them, so they talk to you a lot about it. They want you to do something. They don't realize it's out of your control - nor should you tell them. Just gently nudge them in a different direction when they start. If it were up to you, it would be fixed already. It keeps all of you focused on it.

You were doing so much better when you were avoiding her. I'm really confused sometimes around here. A lot of good things can happen from a friendship, so be friends. Do not contact so they have to miss you. I hear both. Which is the right approach? For you, I think it's a combo of both.

I think you should limit your contact as much as you can, but be friendly when you're around her. But last week was rough, because you were around her all the time. Why so much, D? Was it impossible to walk away and go talk with someone else? Or was it a matter of you enjoying yourself with her so much that you didn't even try?

I'm really racking my brain for you - but that's all I've got. I don't want to tell you to focus on all the things she does that irritate you, because that kills your PMA, but it could help with detaching. I don't think we should try this yet.

What do you think?

I know what happened to Fo. She and her H had a huge disagreement, and she broke down. I really don't think that's the route you want to take. She's really seeing him with negative eyes these days. She's trying, but old stuff is bubbling up and making it hard for her.

[Fogg]

^^Good stuff in the last few posts, agree with it on detaching. I wish I had that answer that would get you there but there are also elements of just needing time. Nothing will happen overnight and it could be years before you get to a point where you don't have an emotional reaction from her. You can drive yourself crazy thinking about her and chasing thoughts of what could be, let those go. They may never happen and letting them wreck your mind wont help.

My IC questioned me since the start of why I wanted W back so much. Why would I need this W in my life to be happy. The grief/pain will be there for a while but the need and fear can be removed. I know I love my W and that is a reason I want her back but it was also a mask I hid behind to avoid the fear and digging deeper in myself. That may not be whats going on with you, I'm just sharing what it was for me. If theirs something to explore there do it. The reality if it was only love that kept us wanting them back there would be no need to chase after them. We would love them enough to allow them to live their lives and follow the path they want, even if we don't agree with it. Even it it causes them to suffer in the future. Even if it means they would be happier without us and even if we would be happier without them. I don't know the answer to detaching but don't beat yourself up so much trying to chase it. Do the things that promote detaching and time will work it out. Living your life, finding and doing what you love to do, appreciating who and what you do have, living in the today, etc.

Not sure if any of that helps, just my thoughts lately. Hope your doing alright dday.

[dday]

Anc. The more I try to not think of her, the more I do. I wasn't really avoiding her, I never try to see her, or try not to. With kids and sports and highschool games church, it just happens. But, I was having an easier time of it when I didn't see her. And I have no clue what the best chance for her to come back is.

I have ic again Tuesday. This will be the topic yet again. I would go for hypnosis at this point. For my mental health and to have a chance of restoring my family

[dday]

Thanks fogg. Why do I want her back so much? That's a good question. For me, I love her. I made a commitment. I want my kids to have a better life not splitting time with us. I don't want to have seperate lives. I know and love who she was, and can be again. She makes me want to be better, for her and my boys. And the list goes on.

I can be happy without her. And have moments everyday when I am. But I have to be completely absorbed in whatever I am doing, and forget my m. I just don't want to continue being without her, if we can have a great r again.

I just need to let it go and quit using all my energy on it, until she comes back, or someone else steals my heart.