^^Good stuff in the last few posts, agree with it on detaching. I wish I had that answer that would get you there but there are also elements of just needing time. Nothing will happen overnight and it could be years before you get to a point where you don't have an emotional reaction from her. You can drive yourself crazy thinking about her and chasing thoughts of what could be, let those go. They may never happen and letting them wreck your mind wont help.
My IC questioned me since the start of why I wanted W back so much. Why would I need this W in my life to be happy. The grief/pain will be there for a while but the need and fear can be removed. I know I love my W and that is a reason I want her back but it was also a mask I hid behind to avoid the fear and digging deeper in myself. That may not be whats going on with you, I'm just sharing what it was for me. If theirs something to explore there do it. The reality if it was only love that kept us wanting them back there would be no need to chase after them. We would love them enough to allow them to live their lives and follow the path they want, even if we don't agree with it. Even it it causes them to suffer in the future. Even if it means they would be happier without us and even if we would be happier without them. I don't know the answer to detaching but don't beat yourself up so much trying to chase it. Do the things that promote detaching and time will work it out. Living your life, finding and doing what you love to do, appreciating who and what you do have, living in the today, etc.
Not sure if any of that helps, just my thoughts lately. Hope your doing alright dday.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
