Here again after 9 years and struggling 2

[inpain]

IP,

You cant make your M better by moving forward with this much pain. It is oozing out everywhere. If you truly want to do what will help the most to get your M back, you have to let it go and find happiness.

I know everyone says "Dont make changes just to get your M back."

Ignore them. Go ahead and fake some changes and dont beat yourself up for doing them ONLY to get your M back.

Thank you so much for saying this Mona! I know it's wrong and totally not DBing but I feel like I can do things to help get my M back but not for myself. I'm here to save my M after all.

1. Eat a chocolate bar
2. Listen to a comedian. My fav = John Mulaney - The Salt and Pepper Diner. It is not bad, but there might be a few swear words. Use the ladies room before you listen so you dont wet yourself laughing
3. Knit a baby cap to give to a local hospital
4. Do the electric slide FOR THE ENTIRE SONG!
5. Think of your child succeeding at a huge goal, like winning an award. (picture every detail)
6. Brace yourself, this one is a little... Think of performing a bedroom activity, but dont let H in your fantasy
7. Sing in the car REAL LOUD
8. Start a course online or night school at a local college
9. Play an instrument
10. Cook that real HARD to cook diner and dessert

Thank you so much for these too! You made me laugh. I have never heard of the comedian but I will look him up. I already do no's 7 and 8 all the time

[inpain]

IP, words of wisdom from Mona. I'm still struggling with the loneliness aspect of this separation, but I am seeing the growth in steps taken. I just want to add, when the anger can be replaced with true understanding, both of yourself and your H, that is when you will start to feel better. That is when you will start to grow. That is when you will find you, and your days will get a little easier.

Hi Ciluzen, I'm so glad Mona's post helped you too - it is an awesome post! Yeah, the loneliness gets to me so much. I do not understand how H can go from texting me several times every day to nothing and it not bother him. I wish I could see inside his head.

[Rouky]

Welcome to my world Inpain. I feel like I'm in denial, and to be honest I am. I never realised how hard it'd be. The advantage you have is that you did it before and I truly believe you can do it again. You already have all the tools and now more maturity. You'll succeed.

I'll go all the way with you. We'll both make it, one way or another :-)

[inpain]

I think I kind of did a new 180 last night . I recently contacted a very old friend who I haven't seen for several years but we still send each other Christmas cards and communicate on line. I didn't end up sending any Christmas cards this year as it was, quite honestly, the last thing on my mind. Then in the new year I started to feel really bad about all the people who had sent me one who didn't know what was going on and how rude they'd think I was. So I sent everyone a message explaining why I hadn't sent cards this year. This lovely lady came round last night bless her heart and it was so good to not only see her, but to know what a truly special friend she is to come as soon as she hears my plight after all these years. I feel so thankful for her.

H didn't turn up on Thursday (wasn't surprised, he never shows up after I dare to speak about what's going on). He text yesterday to say he'd be round if we were in. I told him we were in but I had my friend coming round. It felt so good! Of course, he probably wasn't bothered in the slightest but just the fact that for once I had made myself unavailable instead of dancing to his tune as and when it suits him felt great!

We had such a lovely evening. Mostly we talked about my M problems but it was so nice to know that someone else was in disbelief and thought my H is crazy too!

H text back, "No worries, I'll be round tomorrow night." It's almost the kid's bedtimes and so far he hasn't shown. Again. What a fine example of a father he is turning out to be. He also told me he has taken tomorrow off work if we're going to be about. Is he planning on some kind of cozy family day out? Or perhaps it is another selfish act and he's going to spend his day suiting himself. His disgusting attitude towards seeing our children is really starting to get to me.

[Rouky]

Keep strong for your kids. They will start to see through him, and who he really is. It hurts, unfortunately you can't control his interactions with his kids. Just be there for them.

So nice of your friend to pop round to see you. One step in the good direction :-)

[inpain]

Welcome to my world Inpain. I feel like I'm in denial, and to be honest I am. I never realised how hard it'd be.

It is exhaustingly hard isn't it Rouky. Sometimes I really feel like I cannot put one foot in front of the other anymore and I can see no end in sight.

The advantage you have is that you did it before and I truly believe you can do it again. You already have all the tools and now more maturity. You'll succeed.

It seems different this time. Worse. I'm not seeing any baby steps like I did last time. I honestly don't know how you've managed to do this for so long.

Keep strong for your kids. They will start to see through him, and who he really is. It hurts, unfortunately you can't control his interactions with his kids. Just be there for them.

Luckily that is one thing that is easy about this, being there for my kids. That is no different for me, I love being with my kids, I have never been like some Mums I know who are so pleased at the end of the school holidays because they can get the kids off their hands. I have always been the opposite. I wish the holidays didn't have to end because it means less time with them!

[inpain]

So, H is a definite no show again. I haven't text to find out why, I never do when he doesn't show, but I'm wondering if I am being unfair to the kids by not doing? S keeps asking if I'll text him to find out if he's still coming whenever he does this. I have been so tempted to go and see if the car is at his Dad's but have thought better of it. What would it really achieve? It doesn't really prove anything when I think about it. He could have walked to the local pub or he could have been picked up by someone in their car and the car would still be there. It would only prove something if the car wasn't there. The most annoying thing about it all is that he will come round tommorow (or whenever he decides to show up next) and act as though he has done nothing wrong. He never starts with "Sorry I didn't come round yesterday as promised I was...". It is never mentioned unless S or D ask why he didn't come round. I can't believe he can keep doing this to our children.

[ciluzen]

I wonder why he thinks that's ok? Did he do that to others before BD? Is this a totally new behavior? That's rude on any level and to anyone. That sounds like a boundary that needs to be set, like a visitation schedule. As in, if you tell us you are coming and are a no-show, you need to apologize to your children before you can visit with them. Out of decency. Very rude behavior, and cruel to children who want to see their father. He MUST know he is damaging this relationship with his kids?

[inpain]

No Ciluzen, as far as I'm aware he hasn't done it to others before BD.

You're right, it is very cruel, they have both been saying to me all evening, "You said Daddy was coming round tonight." All I can do is say sorry he hasn't come, he told me he was coming tonight.

I honestly don't think he cares that he is damaging his relationship with them. I am so shocked at this side of the situation. Maybe I should start sending texts asking where he is or asking if he's still coming over in future when he does this?

[ciluzen]

That's a tough call. Sending multiple texts comes off as pursuing or nagging, but his behavior is neglectful. Maybe, if he says he be around the next night, tell him you'll need to know the time. Then remind him an hour before. If he doesn't show, there needs to be a consequence, right? Like, now you'll have to apologize on the phone to each of them. I don't know. Boundaries and consequences.