WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE

[Zues126]

GB, I agree that a remorseful WW is unlikely, and if she asks I can see the value in clearly stating your boundaries.

My only concern is how high the expectations of the LBH are. If a WW mentions something about working on the marriage it can often be a temperature check to make sure they still have the LBH on the hook and can cake eat and avoid consequences.

In DR Michelle talks about being very cautious to show too much eagerness in this spot, and talks about moving slowly, not giving up your detachment or LRT. I think if WW asks about working on the M it's ok to answer slowly, like it's an idea being considered, and then state those boundaries. And then it should be presented almost like it's no big deal either way, if she's not interested then no sweat, keep moving on, you're the one that brought it up.

If, on the other hand, LBH immediately lists the NC letter and other boundaries, then shows emotional attachment to that outcome, pressures her, persuades her, and brings it up again and again...all he's doing is having attachment and expectations, and interfering with her journey.

[trumpet]

Zues,

I agree.

I'm excited to see my WW turn a corner. Too excited.
It's tough NOT to be excited... it's working, it's working!...

I'm not detaching myself from my marriage right now, but I'm not working on any relationship talk. I'm still pithy with answers to questions from my wife - and while I'm excited to see a turn back to the marriage, I also see a wife who just is confused, and someone who will need lots of time. Time to figure out if she really wants to be a part of this relationship.

I think Georgia Bulldog said it in a post above, or someone else did, but I see wanting to be with my wife now as a conscious choice, rather than an expectation. Do I still believe I took a vow in front of God, my friends, and my family? Yes. However, I have to think every day that she or I could leave, and be ok mentally and emotionally from that choice. I used to never think about - We just 'were'...

Side note - I'm going to get some physical therapy on the achilles, which has now been diagnosed as a calf strain as well - my flat feet coming back to haunt me. Will need to get new shoes, and start walking, but no running. Looks like the Shamrock shuffle 5k is out of the question - will need to look for something later in the year.

On my way to schedule a PT session, met a woman scheduler. Noticed no ring, but some small child pics at her station. Somehow, I made mention I had started to lose weight, pushed my speed/miles too much, and my 40 year old body isn't like is was. She laughed, and said why the weight loss? I mentioned a divorce will do that to a guy.

She's separated from her husband - 18 months. We had a couple moments together, I could see her tearing up as we bonded over similar stories, and she said she's never talked to some stranger at work about it, but I seemed willing to listen. Her husband cheated, and is now living with his parents, no job, no future.

She laughed, and then asked me out for a drink. I was flattered, but told her I'd take a raincheck, and talk to her next week when I come back.

No interest in jumping on that train, but it was the highlight of my day, maybe the week.

[trumpet]

So, WW got a IC session in yesterday, and sent me an invite at work to put her next session on the calendar. I'm happy for her.

It took a little bit of active thinking, but I didn't ask anything about her session. If she wants to talk about it, great - if not, it's her circus, her monkeys, right?

I still think she's NC with OM, but I'm not asking.
The less I ask, the less I converse with her, the more I keep thinking that I'm creating a space within me that can exist in life without her.

When you're not happy with yourself, you need others to find that happiness. If I can exist in my space, love my kids, and see the positives in my life and in the world, why do I need a wife that thinks she can crap all over me to get herself to feel better? I just don't need that. I exist on my own. I live my life for God, and Jesus is the love I desire now. I want to be more like Him.

I'm getting wiser in the ways of detachment. The next level of detachment is to show happiness in my life, regardless of how my wife acts. Happy or sad, disappointed with me, or wanting to spend every waking minute with me (ha! that's a pipe dream right now). Her resentment and disrespect for me runs SOOOO deep. I can't help her to drop those bags. She's got a life's worth of resentment in baggage, trailing her.

[Zues126]

Correct. It all stems to appreciating what we have.

If what we have in our lives isn't enough to fulfill us, there is nothing 'out there' that will. Whether that is a restored marriage, a wife that has more sex, a newer car, or whatever. Every day we make the choice to be appreciative and content, or to be entitled and resentful. Every day.

Which is worse? Wife walking away from the marriage? Or us walking away from being appreciative and thankful to God?

I wouldn't worry about showing your happiness. I tend to not want to overdo things, so I tend to keep it to myself. But I do share my joy with my children.

Keep going.

[Tyler12]

Keep up the good work Trumpet!
Tho our sitch are different in ways I think we are at the same spot personally. With you being a bit ahead maybe. Focusing on self happiness regardless of W actions and attitude is such a release from the old frustration and attitude of yourself.

[trumpet]

I texted wife at work today.

All my text stated is if she had any ideas for supper, and when S12's indoor soccer game was.

Her texts devolved into hounding me where I'm going, who I'm seeing, and just some nastiness on her part. So far, I just explained I'm going to the game, and will be home after work.

She keeps repeating that I sound like a counselor, that I talk differently to her than I used to, and that she can't stand me right now. That it sounds like I'm talking down to her, like a child. That I keep throwing Bible verses at her.

I'm trying to talk directly to her, and I'm not throwing ANY Bible verses at her. at all. No prayer with her, no nothing. I did do the kid's Catechism with them last night - I have to, she will not do anything when it comes to church right now. She used to play saxophone with the music team, once a month, but was told to hold off and 'think about things' right now. Her filing for divorce has consequences, and she's angry at church, and me right now.

She's still going to attend on Sunday, just at a different time.

I asked her what she wants, and she said to stop talking to her like a child, and that she really doesn't know right now. Doesn't know about us anymore. She blamed me for forcing her to go to counseling. 'I don't have a problem, you seem to have the problem, and you're trying to fix me!'. She's mad that I told her about NC, that she needs to be an open book.

I think the texts to know exactly what I was doing was a way to control the situation. She's confused, and trying to control the sitation, so she's trying to control me.

She's SOOO in the fog.

This past Sunday is looking like a very distant memory. She's just not ready to work on things. "I'm not the problem, YOU'RE the problem!"...

Ugh. I need to go and pray somewhere.

[trumpet]

She continues to want to talk in code - lots of anger and hurt, and wants to get it out with passive-aggressiveness. This is her native language - she's always learned from her mother on how to get her way with snide comments, in a way to deflect the hurt.

When I no longer engage in that code, she's getting really upset.

Anyone know how I should proceed? Should we see a counselor together? I'm just tired of her having a thought and feeling in her head, but it not coming out honestly, but in sarcasm and double-talk.

[Zues126]

I think you create some space and move forward with your life, detaching in a major way.

She throws R out there. You jump and offer some idea how that could be possible. She throws it back in your face, and now is spewing and treating you disrespectfully.

I'd shrug, go dark, and move forward.

Your posts are an awful lot about her again. Who cares. She's a WW unwilling to let go of her addition and anger. If you care for her the best gift you can give is the opportunity to walk her own journey. As long as you're attached to her behavior she'll behave worse trying to control you. Once you've detached and she realizes you aren't playing anymore, she'll have to decide what she wants to be when she grows up.

I looked at it like a game. WW would try to do things to get a reaction. I took the batteries out of the game. She could try whatever she wanted, the game was dead. I was moved on.

She may still be playing, and might for years. Yours might as well. Who knows. It's not about her anymore. What are you up to today?

[trumpet]

Sold a car - yay! Staying late - thus the post.

Picking up a few pizzas, back to the homestead, and then to son's indoor soccer game. I'm sure we'll go as a fam, so I'll be working on being confident, calm, and quiet.

I feel like I'm in the movie Groundhog Day, just it's a weekly thing, not a daily reoccurance.

I do feel better when she's not around. I do miss her, and the good times we had. I just don't want to be around her when she's so unhappy. Going to get some exercise in tonight and tomorrow as well - too cold to do anything outside.

Zues, you're in MN, right? Thought I read that back a few weeks on a post. If so, what's the temp supposed to be tomorrow?

[Zues126]

Yeah, MN here. It is cold. Not negative yet, but single digits. I forgot to get something in the grocery store, I thought about going back in but the 30 foot walk to the front door was more than I wanted to go through. The wind was biting. You know how it is. Just 20 seconds out side is like an experience.

If I didn't have three kids I would move the heck out of this state. It blows me away people live in climates like this.

Then again, we don't have insects, earthquakes, etc. As long as you play pool and stay inside it's all good.

Nice job on the car deal. Always feels good. Some of my favorite memories was when I was in the special finance department and my partner and I had like a 5 car day, and we'd be filling out the spreadsheet and tracking our commissions. I think our best Saturday was 3K each. Subprime really took a hit around 07-08 during the meltdown, Americredit and Cap1 started turning down credit below 600 and charging 2K acquisition fees on those they approved...the gap between subprime and near prime dried up, and it all came crashing down. Anyway, glad you're rocking and rolling. If your market is like ours if you can survive Jan/Feb you'll be rolling in March!