Lonely Hearts Club IV

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Shotgun, you are probably right in that he doesn't deserve me. I put up with a LOT of his jealousy and insecurity issues because I completely broke his heart many years ago when I dumped him. I'm talking about devastated him. I KNOW that I should not have to pay for that now, but that is why I have always thought he never trusted me to stay. As it turned out, HE was the one that didn't stay. Weird huh? He has always had the I better get you before you get me attitude. Well, not always, just since I married him.

As far as H knows, I am a master DBer....well, except that he doesn't know that I'm DBing. He has no idea that I'm checking on him. I KNOW that I am hurting myself by doing so because whatever I do doesn't affect him or the fun he's having, it won't change anything, it just makes me sad and hurt more. I really do get it. It's more like an obsession now. It's like I just HAVE to know and can't take my mind off of it until I do. I know I have to get past the checking and believe it or not, I am actually better. Lol. I do everything else right, or at least I think I do. I am doing a 180. I have gone dark. I a making myself better...I walk for relaxation, I have lost weight, I have started wearing makeup, I have bought and always wear my new clothes, I have gone NC AGAIN (9 days now), I am GALing my heart out (went dancing last night!!!!!), etc. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO? The only thing I haven't mastered is the detachment and as I said before, I only go by late when he would be asleep so he doesn't even know that part. He is unaware of my sadness and despair, and I intend for it to remain that way. If you have any other suggestions, I'm all ears! I will continue to work on the detachment that still eludes me.

Oh, and the part that I forgot, I'm going to IC. I will start working on myself with the IC this coming week instead of my marriage that I can't fix. If I heal my wounds and start believing that I actually deserve to be happy or deserve to be loved, then he may not have a wife to come back to when he pulls his head out! I know that I am nice to the point of being a doormat and I don't like it. I am SO tired of doing for everyone else and taking care of everyone while not one single person tries to help ME or take care of ME. I have been taking care of people my entire life, I want someone to be there for ME now. I want it to be my turn. I know that I can make someone disgustingly happy, but in return I want them to think I'm the greatest thing in the world. Right now, the H that I have never finds anything nice to say about me. He tears me down to make himself feel better. He basically thinks I'm a lying, cheating, untrustworthy person that is too stupid to take care of myself, handle money or finances, pay bills, bad mother, lazy, etc, etc, etc. I am NONE of those things and I shouldn't have to defend myself to him. He's the only person in my life that thinks I'm a bad person. Yet I still want him. I am messed up and damaged and I have no self esteem. Those 2 things are accurate and they are the only things he doesn't accuse me of. My poor IC has his work cut out for him!