You cant make your M better by moving forward with this much pain. It is oozing out everywhere. If you truly want to do what will help the most to get your M back, you have to let it go and find happiness.
I know everyone says "Dont make changes just to get your M back."
Ignore them. Go ahead and fake some changes and dont beat yourself up for doing them ONLY to get your M back.
Mona! I am so happy you said this. I think the point for many of us IS to get our H back. The idea of finding out what our part in the downfall in the R was and changing that is very important. If it is a change that will help you in other aspects of your life, and thus be FOR YOU, it will be better at making you happy. But if you truly love your S and want them back, making a change FOR THEM is, I believe, a very giving change. It may be a fake it til you make it change, but the key words are...TIL YOU MAKE IT. Til it becomes a change in you that works for you, too. In my case, most of my changes are for me...they are making me a happier person by giving me a better quality of life. But I needed to revisit some of the things that I had pulled back from or given up on because they were H's interests. Then I was left with no shared activities...and realized he had done the same. So, I am now a skier again. And he has noticed. Something to build on. One shared "fake it til you make it" activity that is starting to take.
The changes you have to do is find, at the very very minimum, 10 new things to add to your day that bring you a itsy bitsy tiny bit of joy. It does not matter what they are. I can throw some examples, but only you can do what you know you like.
1. Eat a chocolate bar 2. Listen to a comedian. My fav = John Mulaney - The Salt and Pepper Diner. It is not bad, but there might be a few swear words. Use the ladies room before you listen so you dont wet yourself laughing 3. Knit a baby cap to give to a local hospital 4. Do the electric slide FOR THE ENTIRE SONG! 5. Think of your child succeeding at a huge goal, like winning an award. (picture every detail) 6. Brace yourself, this one is a little... Think of performing a bedroom activity, but dont let H in your fantasy 7. Sing in the car REAL LOUD 8. Start a course online or night school at a local college 9. Play an instrument 10. Cook that real HARD to cook diner and dessert
Most of these are stupid, but mix some real life changing goals in with that and you have a recipe for less pain. That is our number one goal right now, less pain. Because a happier you will get H back.
(Dont worry about breaking the rules and doing it just for H, break the d@mn rules. Because after you do it for a while, you will start doing it for yourself, promise.)
IP, words of wisdom from Mona. I'm still struggling with the loneliness aspect of this separation, but I am seeing the growth in steps taken. I just want to add, when the anger can be replaced with true understanding, both of yourself and your H, that is when you will start to feel better. That is when you will start to grow. That is when you will find you, and your days will get a little easier.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
