Pink, Your activities sound very good, but don't wear yourself out trying to keep busy, i.e., GALing. You can still GAL just by sitting and reading a book, listening to music or watching a good film. If you find yourself angry, use that anger towards doing something physical, something you've put off doing and you really don't like to do it. Trust me, that anger will spur you on and you'll get that disliked job done in record time. It's okay to have pity parties, but don't sit on the pot too long because you'll become stuck.
I hope that your sons help you out because they are at the age that they can help mom out. The two old ones can even hang out w/the younger son to give you a time out to do something for yourself. They shouldn't be the reason that you don't go out and have some fun or a much needed breather. Yes, they will always need you, but they are also at the age whereby they can be a bit more responsible and help mom out too.
Give yourself some time to think about what YOU want to do w/YOUR life. Taking some classes will help you get to where you want to be in the working world, but also give you an opportunity to meet new people and have something different to think about.
As for your XH, sounds like he still wants you to think about him and what he wants to talk about. Your son is one smart young man about what his father is doing. I find it very interesting that he couldn't tell you in a text or email you. Is it something he doesn't want in print so that you can use it against him or is just another excuse to hook you right back into his drama? He knows that you are still there waiting and curious about what he's doing. He also senses that you are moving forward and maybe he's not happy that you appear to be happy and moving on w/your life. They have ways of hooking us right back in and this is called the distance/pursuer game. The only way to stop it is to not take their bait and continue moving forward w/o reacting to their antics.
Let go, let God have this situation w/your h. Letting go doesn't mean you are giving up, but it does mean that you are moving on w/your life and if he wakes up, he'll have a lot of hard work to do to catch up w/you and earn your trust, love and friendship back.
Pink, it all takes time. This is not a sprint, but a marathon and as you continue on your own journey, you will rediscover the person that you once were and you'll learn to love that person again and at some point, you will discover that you are happy w/the person you've become. One day at a time, one step at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
