First I would like to say THANK YOU... I am really so thankful for the chance to be in this forum. I have been learning so much, I have been changing so much the way I see R, M and life in general.
I am very happy that in my age I still have the opportunity to enrich my life with such knowledge that you can't get a degree anywhere else. We have a treasure here!!!
Lifes Twists - thank you for your advice, it is very true that we sometimes loose the sense of crazy when dialing with the MLCer.
V - you always have it to the point with this OW. It took me sometime but I now accept that there is nothing I can do to change the fact that XH needs to walk the walk and resolve his own issues and his deal with this lady.
Rain - My XH is a different person in some ways, it's hard to face all the destruction around me, but in the same time I can also see that I will benefit from all what I have been learning.
Reporting: Job and Cadet, I have been quiet, but among all the other stuff in my life, I was actually reading and doing my homework.
Going Dark - I have been dark for quite awhile not because it is a real choice, but because it is my only choice. Being around my XH means chaos and I couldn't continue on that path. Going dark protects me from him and myself. I still hold feelings for this man, along with this feelings of love, there are many others that I am not even very proud of, but I have them and I need to work on how to process them inside of myself, until then it is for my own good that I put some distance between us.
Standing - I can't lie to myself and I still love him in some ways. I also hate him in some other ways. I am very mixed up in my emotions right now. I think that for now I am standing. Why? Because I can see that there is still the turmoil, that XH is miserable with his own choices, that he made very poor decisions and he is as lost as a cockroach in a ballroom dance floor.
How I see myself as an LBS - very average, I did it all, not much of the begging because my own nature, but I did all what the newbies do and a little more. I had a lot of fear, then a lot of hate, then a lot of doubt, then a lot of paranoia, and alongside I always had a lot of pain.
Time went by and I started paying more attention in the process. Somethings started make more sense and I started having feelings for myself again. The process was right and was there the whole time, it was me that couldn't see beyond my own fears.
I got my attention more inward and even when I do not feel too good about my sitch, I still have the strength to see that tomorrow is another day and another opportunity for me to try to be someone I like in the mirror.
So, here it goes: This is what I have been doing:
l. I am looking better, maybe will never be fantastic again, but I am not the worse chick in the block. 2. I am holding a full time job and get a lot of congrats for getting a crap divorce and still pull of a good quality work. 3. My three boys and I are developing a business that we intend to start sometime in 6 to 12 months so we can have some extra income. And if it is a success, then a lot of income. 4. Son 21 did a lot of new tests and the doctors found nothing wrong with him. The only thing wrong is that his IQ is too high and he does not rest when he sleeps. He is set to do a sleep test and also use a machine for awhile to measure his sleeping patterns and then the doctors will be able to determine how much his brain works even when he is sleeping. 5. Resolving College situation w/S18 - helping, talking, guiding. Besides the fact that he is graduating high school in may/16, crazy busy time for us. 6. S15 is going to Florida with his football team and there is a lot of fundraising, and of course, mom is involved and will work a lot too. 7. I am registered to do another financial class and now to improve even further the way I use, spend and invest my money. I actually like this stuff. 8. Registered myself to a divorce group, my first meeting will be on sunday and it will go once a week until end of march. 9. Just came back from a nice dinner out and a movie with the boys, we saw "The Revenant", even had a glimpse on Di Caprio's bud. 10. Will go for a Nuggets vs Thunders basketball game on tuesday January 19th in Denver. 11. Got tickets to a huge christian concert that will happen in march. 12. Going to Zumba class on saturday's mornings. 13. I keep going to the gym whatever I have a chance. 14. Have a Super Bowl party organized, I even made invitations and my kids friends as well as my friends will come. We will have full house and a lot of insanity. 15. Will go to a samba party on Jan 29th with my friends, I love to dance.
In progress: 1. Did some job searching to check out salaries and I am still thinking that I would be better off doing the classes I need so I can see my own patients. Need to make a decision on this. 2. Looking for another car, need to get everyone driving in my house,no more excuses from the lazy boys. 3. Looking into a Tai Chi class. I use to do Karate for years, now I would like to try some Tai Chi and use some inner energy to help me out. 4. Need to sell some stuff from my garage, they are big items, so need to get them on craigslist.
And in all of this, I have laundry, housecleaning, meals, keeping the paperwork... and so on.
I think I am not doing so bad. But that is when I need to face that I have still a long way to go and need to work on several feelings that are stuck inside of me. You see, I can be miserable, sad, hopeless and no one will see it. I can function like I am in heaven, and my inside is in total hell.
I have been very angry, and this anger makes me go back into "pity party" where I feel sorry for myself. Like: Why is XH having a life, fun and all the time in the world, and I need to be very responsible and be there for my kids all the time?
This is also a feeling that brings me guilty. I feel guilty that I think my kids are somewhat a burden because I can't really come and go as I please. I love my children and wouldn't do it differently. So I am stupid for being jealous.
I also think about XH way too much. I do not snoop, call, text, email or ask anything to him. For him, it is like I am dead. But I can't lie, I do keep him in my mind all the time. And I know I do not want to see him ever. Maybe I am going MAD.
Coming clean with myself I also found out that I am very afraid to let him go from inside of me. I feel this weird fear that I will stop loving him and then I will be all over. But it is all over. So why I have this fear of letting go?
So as you all see, I have a lot of work to do on myself, a lot of soul searching yet. The good news is that I have more and more a taste and a desire to be a nice woman again.
The MLC stuff: Now, this is FU. Life seems so nice and organized with my lists of what I am doing, my goals, things to do, and blah, blah, blah.
Then comes XH and hell is open again.
This just happen this morning. Keep in mind that OW arrived here last sunday for the sales meeting in Boulder. XH emailed me (twice) his january schedule for his dates with the kids and today he was suppose to be in Colorado but not local.
XH - Good Morning Cira - Would it be possible to speak with you for a minute before I bring our sons to school?
Me - Good Morning XH - There is no school today.
XH - Shoot. I do not know how I missed it. I even put on my calendar. So sorry to disturb you. I would ask to speak with you sometime soon. If you would allow me the opportunity.
Me - What's up? You can text me or email me.
XH - It's personal XH - Between us.
Me - OK. Have a good day!
XH - You too.
He is not supposed to be at my house today, from his own schedule. There is no school and he has the calendar. I tough he was having fun with his GF. He knows I am very curious. And like S21 said... dad is always finding the way to keep you thinking about him. He is not here, but he is always present.
To tell the truth I do not want to talk to him, but I want to find out what he has to say. This way I can see that he is very smart and controls me because he knows how I will react to it.
I know what to do to be independent, to take myself totally out of the picture. I ignore him always. So, what can I do about it.
I feel like letting go for good.
Sorry the long post, I will try to write more often.
