Well, I kinda did some anti dbing a couple days ago. At kid swap, I walked into the house after the kids ran and got into the car. Asked xw about the rumor that she was dating. She denied it, and told me that she used that as an excuse when she was asked out. (Then she told me about our friends knowing this story and helping her with it.) So, I do believe her.
Everything has seemed to be getting easier and friendlier with us. Less pressure after d is over? So, I was tearing up, and told her that I still love her. That I want us back. That I realize that things weren't great and that we let our kids wants come before our needs. She told me that she never would have thought that we would be in this sitch. I told her that I hope we aren't in it forever, And told her that I keep hoping she will come to me and tell me that she is ready to work on us. She made a comment, somewhere along the lines of we will see.
I'm not sure if I am reading too much into things, but it seemed different this time. I know my hopes are up again. Still have trouble regulating that. She was texting me yesterday morning. She told me the plans with the kids and her parents for Sunday after church. I would give my right arm to get my family back together and make things great with my xw again. I feel that I have removed all the bad habits that I had in the M. Still can make myself a better person, but I have made huge progress. For me to be able to say that is a huge step, I have always been very hard on myself.
How much have I screwed up with this?
---------------------------- Boys are all talking to me more this weekend about the d, living arrangements, emotions, etc. 2 out of 3 cried this weekend already about us being split apart. I have tried to direct them to pray for what they want. It is a good outlet, and a good way to help them get a r with God. S8, who will be 9 tomorrow!, said that he has started talking to xw about his feelings. That is great because I was afraid that she was shutting him out, even if it wasn't intentional. S8 is also not happy that I am looking to build, because to him it is more permanent then. I feel so bad for these little guys. They are hurting as much as I am. And they all have a cold, which helps nothing...
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
