Rollercoaster: Now what?

[NYGal]

I had forgotten that my IC suggested I write down every day what I'm grateful for. Thanks for reminding me, Sotto.

I'm doing a fair job of not thinking about W. There's less actual heartache. I mean a real physical ache. But it's still there. Her nugget of info the other day about how she has serious concerns about OW, and that "there's something wrong but I can't put my finger on it" is something I'm still obsessing over. Of course it gives me hope. I call my friend J often when I need to be reminded that there are plenty of reasons to think we might just turn this around and get back together. I need that now, and I'm not ashamed of it. It's the thing that makes the days and nights (almost) bearable.

I hope I don't start driving by to see if OW's car is there. Maybe I'll treat it like an alcohol or drug addiction and resist one day at a time. It scares me to even think about doing that. I don't want to know. I can't bear the thought of her in my bed, living my life. I would be shocked if that's happening, given the "serious concerns" message.

I suppose it's possible that W said those things just to keep me hoping, but she's not like that. Or at least she wasn't.

I did bring my favorite framed photograph of us with me, and it's on my dresser. We looked so happy in those early days. It's my inspiration not only to get her back, but also to become that glowing person again. I had confidence and was so happy. Of course, I was 10 years younger...

I so wish I knew what's going on in W's head. It's a complete mystery. I have to trust that getting on with my life will help ME, and I can't help thinking about how it might help her find her way back to me, too. I still love her and I miss her terribly. There's that ache again.

It's going to be weird when it's time to get up, but I really have nowhere to go in this house. I'm so glad I have you all to vent with and cry with and eventually laugh with.