Julie - I like the way your mind chews at a problem. You really do try and look at things from all angles.
I would be a bit suspicious like you, too. It doesn't mean either of us would be right - it just means after so much hurt, we're about afraid to take things at face value.
The thing to remember, though, is that even R will take time. I think slow is best. There needs to be a period of no-pressure outings, fun things together, just reconnecting on some level. From the moment he BD'd you, your old M was over anyways. From this point on, it's a matter of creating a new one - one that is better, stronger than before.
As long as you and the children aren't struggling, it's best to move slowly - maybe slower than a turtle's pace. I think part of the problem when my H suddenly changed his mind about R, was that I wanted everything to go back to "normal" too quickly. I forgot that our normal was what he was trying to run away from.
Now, obviously, my H has other issues, and maybe it wouldn't have worked out - but if I had just accepted that everything I knew was over, I would have made far different decisions. I just couldn't grasp it quite that early in the situation. I really needed more time - which, ironically, is what I have right now! LOL All the time I need.
My H was absolutely crushed when I informed him we were not going to be friends. That tells me a lot. He still has feelings for me. He wants me in his life. He'll miss me if I'm gone. Those are actually good things - way down the road, we may be able to R.
Not now. No. I need to focus on me. He needs to get whatever this is out of his system. I'm resigned to a snail's pace. I really believe it is for the best. I'd probably be more content if we were doing this together - but that's not the way it went. I made so many mistakes. I'm not absolving him, but I clearly see, now that I know so much more, where my own actions threw R out the window. They may all have been completely understandable - but they still had an affect that I didn't want.
I'm all about saving M - saving families. I'm behind you 100%. I think your H is serious about R. I believe he doesn't know how to get there, and was so unhappy he's afraid to believe you guys can get to a better place. You and I know that it's possible. Compassion goes a long way. Patience is absolutely necessary.
Is money a factor in his mind? Probably. Is it the only reason? No. Money isn't usually a reason to make anyone stay in a R they don't want. Men are logical creatures - they like to look at everything in a very orderly fashion. He's looking at a lot of different things, and he's decided it makes more sense to try and work it out. He just can't see it successfully happening yet.
So, you're going to have to lead the way. Show him, with all that you've learned, that things will be different. You don't need to say a word...actions will be most effective. I'm so happy to see a couple with a good, solid chance! I'm so happy for you, Julie.
