New Year, New Attitude

[Zues126]

"I miss you"s and "I love you"s are kind of double whammies. NOt only is it pursuing and needy, in the WAS's eyes it's kind of diminishing. They have told you what they want and need: distance, space, their life without you. When the LBS says these things they are kind of saying "yeah, yeah, I know that's what you say you need, but whatever, this is what *I* need. And if happens to trample down what you want I don't care." So the issue isn't that you show him you're attached, but that you aren't showing him Ciluzen 2.0 which acknowledges his voice.

I am a big believer in taking 5-10 minutes prior to any email, text, or scheduled call to prepare. Breath. Read the 37 rules. Pray for strength to let the strong, calm, present, higher self come through in your communication. Detach from your emotions and focus on the task at hand.

I can tell you that after BD I only had 1 'slip'. It was 4 months in, I was visiting the kids at her house (I had moved out), and she came home drunk. I allowed myself to get drawn into a bit of a spat about parenting time. She was talking about how I couldn't have overnights because it would 'disrupt the children's schedules, and I said DIVORCE disrupted their schedules, they needed a dad. Funny thing, 15 months later I said a similar thing to the social workers and got 50% custody. Still happy about that. Anyway, when I got home I emailed her, told her 'That was a difficult conversation. We never had the best communication when we were married, and now we are dealing with finances, parenting, legal stuff, can't get much tougher. It couldn't have felt that I heard what you're saying, so let me recap what I think you were telling me...' Then I went on to recap her points and validate and agree where I could.

Point is, I slipped once, I remember it vividly, I did damage control, and have batted about 1.000 since then. Not attacking you...just want you to know that it can be done. And when you do this, it feels really, really good. I'm not huge on saving face, it sounds like a pretty immature motivation. Prideful. We should be willing to bare our hearts to stand for what we believe. Etc. But the truth is they really don't want to hear from our hearts. Not now, and maybe never. So we're not saving face out of fear or shame. It's about placing enough value on ourselves to not give our inner-self to someone that wants to throw it away.

It's super tricky to detach. There is a ton of pain and anger on the other side, and it's easy to want to run from that and be like "I choose love, not anger", because it can feel better to be loving/needy than angry and hurt. But it's all inside of you. You will have to start dealing with that. Then you won't want to say "I miss you", but rather "I hate you". It will still take effort to have good conversations. Dealing with this mix of emotions is like swimming in a pool with icy cold and burning hot water. Sometimes you freeze, sometimes you burn, opposite emotions, both powerful and unpleasant. But if you can just let it wash over you, not let it force a reaction, and just work through the crazy thoughts these feelings generate...you will become triple tough. As a little time passes the water starts to mix, and get near room temperature, and it isn't as uncomfortable...and you will have thick skin, more clarity, and just be in a really good spot.

I love your Bambi comment.

Hang in there C, I think you're doing amazing.