New Year, New Attitude

[Imlucky]

I've been following this thread from the sidelines

I wonder sometimes if those that are standing and trying to honour their marriage
are growing and adapting quicker then the spouse that initiated the separation

[ciluzen]

Good question. I think it would depend on the persons involved.

Those of us left behind are eager to work to bring our spouse back, but how much growth we go through depends upon how much effort we make not just to follow DB/DR principles, but to realize our own part in the demise of the R and what we are willing to do to change.

This kind of change is painful and hard. We are putting ourselves out of our comfort zone and sometimes confronting habits we've had since childhood. Things we formerly thought of as part of our permanent personality. But a fault and roadblock to healthy relationships.
Those who leave, however, most likely left due to a build up of painful feelings (in some cases years) and are venturing out into their own unknown territory. They are often confused, guilty, in pain, and lonely. Their lives are changed dramatically, as well. Throw in attempts to fill the holes left by their painful R; PAs, EAs, drug abuse, alcohol abuse,porn, etc; they often have stress on top of stress complicating their own lives. Their separation may bring about confrontation of their own demons that contributed to R status. Their change could potentially be even more drastic and dramatic.

Depends on the whole strange kit and caboodle.

[Imlucky]

I'm no expert about this stuff

In my case I did counselling and coaching and bought DR and read a few othe books

I get they left for a reason that they feel is justified. I think a lot just think it's all going to be better on the other side like they will magically be happier again

The thing is if they don't learn and change they will repeat the same in the next R

[ciluzen]

I'm no expert about this stuff

In my case I did counselling and coaching and bought DR and read a few othe books

I get they left for a reason that they feel is justified. I think a lot just think it's all going to be better on the other side like they will magically be happier again

I'm definitely no expert, either. If we were, we wouldn't be here, LOL. Whatever they feel, and its different for all of them, their feelings are real to them. Sometimes leaving is the only option they can see. They may not even see it is better or making them happier. Just not the same pain. That might be good. They might be able to see the R differently, more clearly, from some distance away. Not havingto deal with constant stress gives you time to consider it on your own.

The thing is if they don't learn and change they will repeat the same in the next R

Yes, but that's not really our concern, is it? If we want them in our lives we can be concerned about what happens with them. But if our R with them is over, whatever R they have in the future is their cross to bear. We can't control their thoughts or actions now and any future thoughts or actions are not only just as uncontrollable, but not even our concern. Life is too short to worry about all of their future failed relationships, if it comes to that.
Let's just work on ourselves and see where this R goes.

[Imlucky]

Your right we have just got to keep focussing on ourselves

That's set me straight I've got to stop worrying about the what isf and stay on track

[ciluzen]

Having a busy week. GAL, y'all!

After my fun Saturday in which H joined me to ski (new, fun, happy me), H called Sunday morning on his way up to ski (he has a pass) to see if I was going. I had thought I might go, ski a bit, then watch my favorite football team play an early game in the bar. I told him it would not be cost effective for me to pay for a day of skiing to only do a few runs, so I would watch at home. He agreed with "I didn't want to tell you what to do, but I was going to bring that up." We both seem to be trying to quiet our inner control freaks. Plus I had over booked activities. We chatted a bit then I ended the call.

Next day I got a call from him saying he was on his way out to get the stuff we loaded up Saturday. I looked at the time and said he might miss me as I would have to leave for work. He sounded slightly upset when he said, "no! I will be there 10 min before you leave...I get to see you, right?" Hmmmm.

All went well, nothing big. Had communication later about returning truck.

I have been reading a great book on listening. I am becoming a much better listener. I apparently was horrible and it affected my entire life. It probably started with me being a SAHM. I had very little contact with adults each day and when H came home, I talked and talked and talked when all he wanted was space to decompress from a stressful day. All of my bad habits are in this book, as are all of his responses. But I'm getting better, and seeing changes in how other people respond to me, including H.

Due to what I'm learning, I know that I now have some new goals to work on.

1) I have a penchant for wordiness and details (anyone on my thread knows that). When talking to people, think first, then summarize stories. Short and sweet.

2)Listen to the speaker without judging or thinking of a response, a similar story, a piece of advice, or when it will be my turn to talk...just listen.

3) When listening, make eye contact, stop doing whatever I was doing, face the speaker, give them full attention.

4) Show you are listening with short affirming words and phrases (mmhmm, yes, I see), mirroring for confirmation of understanding (so you're sayin that...), or by asking a few non judging questions to clarify or encorage the speaker to go on.

5)I'm an emotionally reactive person, so another goal is to try to focus on the speaker and what they are saying (especially H) and not let my emotions dictate any response. Actively suppress MY feelings while they are talking and focus on what THEY might be feeling.

I am still choosing happy.
Trying to show people I appreciate having them in my life ...daily.
Reaching out to those I took for granted or actively felt ill will toward, and forgiving them.
I can't read minds, so I refuse to assume the motivations of others is of a negative nature. This is a HUGE step for me. I believe most people are not evil, so therefore I refuse to treat their actions as evilly intended. They can be selfish, ignorant, or distracted so therefore I can cut them some slack, be understanding, and forgive.

Positive thoughts, grace, strength, and patience. Goals in a nutshell.

[ciluzen]

This morning I am missing the closeness, or illusion of it, that I had with H.

Had a problem with the deposit to our account that he made to pay our bills. It was the first time that he had made the deposit himself since I had asked him to do it (instead of me picking up a check)and when I told him, he was very down on himself. He kept saying it was his fault (it was actually the banks). I just wanted to hug him and take care of it myself.

The ability to just chat, especially with my new knowledge of how to back off and let him talk, is what I'm missing. I know one way or the other, it will get easier...it already has in many ways. It is getting easier for me to be alone at home. I'm finding that balance between having my own social life and my alone time and what to do in it to fill the holes of H's absence. But I still hope that we can turn this around.

I know I'm supposed to detach and do things for me...I'm getting there. I can actually see that if I had to, I would be okay without him. But its not what I want.

I want my friend back. Not just the man that I lived with and thought of as H, but the friend I used to have fun with, share secrets with, dream dreams with. I am finding the old me and, in the process, creating a new me. I have friends of my own, activities and interests of my own, and have revisited some activities that we have in common. I know he is seeing this, but I'm impatient for him to see more. But I also know that that isn't how it works.

I keep thinking of that scene in "Bambi", where all of the animals are hiding and trying to be still while "man" (the hunters) are in the area. There was a bird that started to panic and all of the birds around her kept telling her to be still and stay quiet. But then her flight instinct is too strong. She panics and flies into the air...and is shot. Game over. That panic feeling is sometimes what I feel when I think too hard about H and my wanting to talk about R.

Anyway, just something to try to control in myself...can't control him.

[Ancaire]

I hear you, Ciluzen. The loneliness from losing our best friend is one of the worst things to deal with.

I shared everything with H. I still want to - just can't. I miss chatting with him at night, resting my head on his chest. Just that closeness, you know? I wonder how it's possible he doesn't.

I'm here. I just want you to know that. This is hard - but you're not alone.

[ciluzen]

Thank you, Ancaire. It is hard. I just seem to be doing ok, then I hear his voice and it brings back thoughts of what it was like before.

Tonight I had to pick up some money from some prints I sold in his office. He has been sick and looked awful. We agreed to talk later about the bank issue when I got home. We just kind of chatted, but as I was getting ready to get off of the phone, I said "I miss you." I know I shouldn't have. I was just weak. He didn't reply, so I just kind of told him I was worried about him being sick. He carefully ended the convo by saying goodnight very softly and hung up.

This is so very hard.

[Pax_luv]

Hi ciluzen,
I'm sorry you were feeling weak. I know how hard this is. Its horrible! I get why you would want to reach out- you're a kind and compassionate person. Saying, "I miss you" is pursuing and he didn't give you the response you were hoping for. So, next time, maybe pinch yourself or bite your tongue when the urge comes up again. Be selfish in the sense that you don't have to look after him anymore- it's all about you. Do something nice for yourself tonight- watch a silly movie, paint your nails, write our your gratitudes- it works!