Back to square one, not sure I can do this again!

[- MB -]

I can tell you that she did NOT seem freaked out! She walked into that house like she owned it!! That house with MY name on the lease, MY clothes in the closet, MY underwear in the dwarers, and MY H inside. She knew what she was doing. The 2 times she had come over before, she hid her truck in the back of his house. This time, she pulled right up in the driveway by MY car. If she didn't know it was me, she HAD to know someone was there with him. She looked at me and in her loud high school cheerful, bubbly, over the top voice said "OH, HI !!" As she walked past me smiling from ear to ear. She didn't appear nervous, didn' hesitate, and didn't care that she was intruding. That's when I KNEW that she was doing it just to hurt me, even though I would have never done anything like to her. Sure wish I could go back to that moment in time. If I had ever thought anything like that would happen, I would have figured out ahead of time what I wanted to say!

[NYGal]

MB, thinking back on it, what would you say? I have fantasies of what I would say to the OW, and they all either begin or end with the word homewrecker. Actually did run into her about a month ago. I already knew she was the OW, but she didn't know that I knew. I went up to her and asked her how she was, and in that same bubbly cheerleader voice she said oh I'm great, just great! How dare she say that. She was taking something that didn't belong to her, she was ruining lives. She's selfish and unethical, and I have to believe it will come back to haunt her.

[runn79r]

MB, not sure if this helps but here goes.

I didn't have the rug pulled out from under me quite like you. For me it was three years after a first reconciliation that was already a long, rough process. In those three years everything had improved in out marriage, I invested considerable time and effort in our relationship, new house etc.

The bottom line for me is that it didn't matter what I did because I could fix her issues, only she could do that. I didn't know that when she came back I was still plan B, the OM decided he wasn't going to be available to her the first time around but the minute he changed her mind gone she was.

What has been helpful for me to shift my focus off of them and on to myself and GAL is to decide how I would live/proceed if this happened another 2,3,5,10 times. How many times will you let this person walk all over you after a reconciliation. That notion of not having control over them changing their lives allowed me to shift my focus to the things I can control.

I've also found it helpful to mourn or grieve the relationship. It's dead, it can't be the same, the person who I married no longer exists. By mentally moving on as if they have passed away has helped to detach immensely, even allows me to appreciate the good times for what they were. As for the new person they've become, I'm friendly and we work together to co-parent, but they are just an acquaintance.

Not sure if any of that helps but I feel your pain and hope things improve for you soon. Without the need of someone else to make that happen for you.

[- MB -]

NyGal, nor sure exactly what I would say, but I would say SOMETHING! I watched her waltz in and was still wiping my tears from having the rug pulled out from under me the second time, when I saw her the only thing I could do watch her walk past me and then when H walked over to me I just shook my head, looked down and the floor and said in a voice so soft that he probably barely even heard me "Really? Is this why you wanted me to leave?" I actually went out to my car to leave, but then went right back in the house because it's MY house and MY H and SHE should be leaving, not ME. But, once I went back in and walked up to H, I just stood there in shock and froze. It was like I was frozen with my feet glued to the floor and I couldn't have come up with a lucid thought if I had to. I just stood there with my mind going about a thousand miles an hour, but completely unable to come up with a single thought or word.

I am a nice person. Not just saying that, I really am. I NEVER set out to hurt anyone. I would go out of my way and hurt myself before causing someone else pain. That's just the way I have always been....passive and easy going. So, for her to come into the house just to hurt me, is something I just can't understand and certainly didn't deserve.

I wish that, at the very least, I had put my arms around H and then asked her why she was in MY house. Why she was calling and texting MY H. Something. I just wished I could have said SOMETHING! She must have thought that I was a totally pathetic person to not say anything while she tries to walk away with my H.

[- MB -]

Runn79r, I'm so sorry that your wife did that to you TWICE! It was bad enough to have H do it again after just under 2 weeks, I can't imagine having 3 years to get comfortable with the marriage again only to have her take off again. That would be awful. That is one of my biggest fears now. How am I supposed to know he won't do it again? I'm glad that you have had the courage and strength to move on from this a second time. Are you still wanting her to come back?

[Ancaire]

MB - Your H is in replay. This will take a while. There will be no R with OW when this ends, unless he does something stupid, like marries her. Even then - it won't last.

OW is the opposite of you...she's the downgrade. She's equal or below where he is right now as far as character goes. H is not himself - he is the worst version of himself at the moment.

So, when he finally regains his mind, can you think of any reason he would want to stay with someone like that? No. That is why these R fail. Your H was never meant to be with her. He'll wake up. He won't want her in his life. She will be nothing more than an embarrassment, a reminder of the worst time in his life.

Have you read the story about the lighthouse? That is your goal.

[runn79r]

It's impossible to know if he will do it again. That's the key though, as you rebuild your life and yourself you will get to decide if he is someone you want in it. Who he is now is not someone you want, he will need to become a person who is good enough to be with you or at least convince you that he is on the path (knowing is the hard part). That's what I like about the lighthouse reference. The lighthouse does not "want" for ships, if does not worry about what ships think or do. It stands strong on its own, it does its job which happens to be to the benefit of the ships. It cannot save them from their own poor decisions though.

So do I "want" her back? Not as she is. I want my marriage and my family but there is no point wanting someone who will tear it apart again. If she changes to be someone who can be a good spouse and partner then she would certainly get preference. All I intend to do is make sure that I'm ready as a person if the stars align for that. But I no longer worry about her or if she's in my life. The wife I knew is gone so there is no point longing for something that can't be had again.

[- MB -]

MB - Your H is in replay. This will take a while. There will be no R with OW when this ends, unless he does something stupid, like marries her. Even then - it won't last.

Yes, definitely replay. I freaking HATE replay! I am getting so tired of feeling worthless because he is choosing HER over me. I know, I know, I know....I am responsible for my own feelings. This has nothing to do with me. I need to detach and GAL. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I KNOW! I've been trying, but I just can't today.

OW is the opposite of you...she's the downgrade. She's equal or below where he is right now as far as character goes. H is not himself - he is the worst version of himself at the moment.

She is absolutely the opposite of me. The downgrade. Hmmm.....I like that. I'm going to have to keep telling myself that. He is downgrading to make himself feel better because he feels superior to her.

So, when he finally regains his mind, can you think of any reason he would want to stay with someone like that?

I can't think of any reason he would want to be with her NOW! It makes me so mad everytime I think of her strolling into our house and even after H saw how she upset me, he'd still rather talk to her than me. Sigh....I know, this has nothing to do with me.

Sorry guys, just venting I guess. I'm having a horrible day and have reached out to several people and no one seems available for in person human interaction today. I felt myself slipping into this mood, I just couldn't seem to stop it. Just mad, hurt, depressed, lonely, and miserable all rolled into one bundle of joy to be around.

[- MB -]

Runn79r, thank you for your post. I know what you're saying is right, it just seems like I'm never going to get there. Having real issues with detachment, I'm not sure if I just really don't want to out of fear, or if it is just so hard that I can't seem to do it. I have been no contact for 8 days now. I'm not sure how I made it 5 weeks before. Would probably be easier if I could truly detach, but since that seems to be a problem for me, the no contact is almost unbearable. Not to mention that when I did no contact before, when I finally did see him he was happy to see me. So I keep finding myself wanting to go over there because maybe he would want to see me like he did that time. I doubt that's true, but it is one more thing that I seem to torment myself with.

[Rain75]

MB,

Girl I am so sorry. You sound so sad. I'm sorry he did that to you again. And the OW is a royal b#%*h. Sorry, I know we aren't supposed to give them any mental real estate but thats what I feel right now.

You and I both need to actually GAL and find some way to detach. I'm a little better right now. Confused more than anything. But I am still attached, this I know. You are too.

Ancaire had some pretty amazing advice in her post.

(((MB)))

Rain