More and more, and less and less...

[Zues126]

Lots there GB, thanks for the post.

I agree. I mentioned the one year rule for the others. I agree that is an absolute minimum. Right now my kids need me. I can't imagine being distracted during this transitional time. Likewise I'm still grieving my M. My IC told me it was a 3-5 year journey, and anyone that says it's less than that is kidding themselves and in denial. Well, I'm 18 months from BD and just finalized D, so I'm looking at more than a year to reach the shallow end of his benchmark.

I really like your point about how people sometimes date to prove things to their ex, or to themselves. I know that I'm not emotionally healed or completely detached, because I know how much my marital status still flickers across my mind. I still can't put words to exactly why rebounding is so destructive when I try to caution others, but for me I know there are still forces acting on me, and I need to let them dissipate before anything else.

I really want to be ok on my own. I never really was before. I always needed someone to validate me, or for me to convince myself I was good enough to be worthy of love. I'm a little more solid these days, and want to be ok on my own.

And of course I need time to sort through the breakdown, and really own my part. I know all newcomers thing they have had big breakthroughs in the first 30-90 days, that is because they are in the 'bargaining' stage of grieving, they want to believe they have it all figured out so they can show that to their WAS and save their marriage. What I've found is that even 18 months in I'm still grieving the loss of the marriage, and all of the anger, blame, sadness, etc...it all gets in the way of my personal growth. So part of me feels like my journey hasn't even really begun to becoming the person I want to be in the future. I'm just starting to get to a place where I can truly work on me for me. Or maybe this has happened in steps, and if so I still have several steps to go. That's how I feel.

Finally...I still can't even picture trusting a woman right now. I can picture having a fling. Having some fun. Making each other feel special or getting some endorphins. But I can't really see wanting to build a life with a woman. Wow. Just writing it seems extremely premature.

Right now I can't see the road in front of me, and I'm ok with that. The longer I've tried to DB the less worried I am about the future, or the past. I am really living in the day, enjoying my children, my work, my friends, my hobbies. I know if I do the right things good things will come my way, and I know that if I appreciate what I've been given I'll always be ok. I've gotten through the worst loss imaginable and I'm right here, with children that love me, friends that support me, and in the end it's all good. Thanks GB.