Need support navigating the change in my marriage

[G8r]

Question. Need advice.

WW seems to think anytime I go out I'm with another woman. In fact, a few times that she thought I was out with another woman when I hadn't even left the house. I was just happening to be reading in the laundry room because it's usually warmer than the rest of the house. Why? What is she trying to say?

She also mentioned this last night. I didn't respond to a text quickly enough to her satisfaction so she sent another saying, "oh you're too busy planning your date, sorry to interupt. Enjoy" In reality, I was registering and taking an online professional development course. What give?

The 1st time she said something a while back, I laughed it off and told her I wasn't seeing anybody. Sometimes I'm too truthful. Gets me in trouble. Now, I don't bother to respond to her comments about me taking or meeting women. Figured a little jealousy wouldn't be a bad thing, particularly since I haven't been going out and meeting new women. I prefer the one that used to be my W.

As a quick aside, she has encouraged me to go sleep around and during the 2 MC sessions we had a while back she said that I need to sleep with at least 10 women before she would consider having sex with me ever again.

I could really you some insight into this behavior. Thanks.

[trumpet]

G8r,

Just caught up with your sitch.

My wife is passive-aggressive, and once she was in full-blown EA, treated me like dirt. Also, her behavior is like your wife's... angry, I can do no right, you do more than you used to, but it isn't good enough, wants me to date other people, calling herself a whore... it goes on and on. It's her moral compass yelling at her - what she is doing is wrong, and she should stop... the problem, like your selenoid, is that there is a glitch in the system, a very bad glitch, in which the heart refuses to listen to the brain, as well as the moral compass. The little angel on her shoulder is gagged, bound, and in the trunk of the car.

You need to learn your WW is spewing, and it's her own personal conflict, manifesting itself in anger to you. You remind her of the good stuff, the fantastic, caring father, the person who helped her get her PHD, and moved when it was time. It's easier for you to move out - so see stops seeing the destruction she's causing.

It's harder on you, but more effective to stay in the same house. You have to do lots of reading, understand detachment backwards and forwards, and enact a plan to not only protect you, but to show your WW what she's missing.

Sleeping around encouraged - sure! It would make herself feel better that you're the worse person - makes it easy to file a D, right?

My WW, when I've GAL'd, and detached, has thought I started to see someone. My wife is a conservative Christian. Her moral compass is gagged right now. Hog tied. But once in a while her little angel whispers what she's doing is wrong, and she hears it.

If you read up on my sitch, the angel is starting to get heard more. My wife supposedly put a stop to the D that she filed - I didn't get served. How did it happen? Not by anything I did, let me tell you. When I started to REALLY focus on myself, the kids, and not her AT ALL, she noticed. It hurt really bad to do, since I still love her, but telling her whatever happens I'll be ok, and I'm moving forward got to her.

Your WW mentioning you didn't respond quickly enough? It's spew. Don't even pay attention to it. Your wife's body is now enhabited by an alien. Treat her as such, just don't physically harm her. Let her do the punching - and take pictures.

[G8r]

Thank you for the support Trumpet. Your sitch was one of the 1st I started to follow when I was lurking. I'm so happy for you that your W expressed interest in R. I hope things work out for the both of you.

I don't know about the R to a Sexless M though. When my sitch blossomed 5 months ago, my W and I were practicing for another kid. After the 1st time she met the om in person, she dropped our sex life like a bad habit. She said she was willing to work on M but she felt like we were roommates and she couldn't ever envision us having sex again. I vacillated between trying to work on becoming friends again figuring the sex would follow and letting her know that in order to R sex would be part of the equation. That seemed to push her further away and now she says she's repulsed by the idea. I think one of the reasons I pushed the sex so hard is because I really want another child. Don't know if I could afford to have one with another woman and that would be a few years down the road. I feel I'll be too old by then. Grrrrrr.... She's in the same boat though. She wants another kid and feels her clock ticking but right now she is adamant that it won't be with me. I don't really see it happening with the current om though because he is a good 8 to 10 hours away. I won't let her move with my D3 and I don't think he would move closer to us and be away from his 2 kids.

Anyway, I've got lots of work ahead before I can even begin to think about sex with her again.

I can sort of relate to your addiction a bit as well. Until September, I was smoking pot at least 2x a day when walking the dog and often times more. I was able to rationalize it as stress relief. Funny thing is that it caused me a lot more stress hiding it from everyone. Didn't ever think I could quit and I was to ashamed to admit my problem to my W plus I was afraid she would pack up and leave. I can now definitely say that one true blessing that has come from my sitch is that I dropped that habit like it was hot. There's a moment here or there I briefly think about smoking but I can truly say that I really have no desire to go back to it. It made me lonely and the problems I was masking when I started smoking are long gone. I've got a whole new set of problems now that it helped cause. Lol.

[G8r]

Made plans to go to a church support group for separated and divorced people last night. Unfortunately, the group meetings were put on hold but that wasn't reflected in the bulletin or Web site.

Interestingly, my wife thought I had a date last night. I didn't respond one way or another to her. Just smiled and said nothing or changed the subject. Earlier this week, she seemed sarcastic when she texted me about a date. Then around 9:30 she texted me that she needed to transfer funds from our savings to checking account and then a 2nd time to say she did. About an hour later she texted a 3rd time to remind me about something and said she hoped I had a great night and goodnight.

I went out last night intending on going to the meeting as part of GAL but I am confused by her responses and need guidance. Anyone have suggestions? I'm going to continue doing stuff for me and try my best not to think about her but this perplexes me and I can't seem to get it out of my head. Anyone have ideas or advice?

[Sotto]

Yes, my take is she doesn't want you, but she sure as heck doesn't want anyone else to get you. I wouldn't rush to inessential stuff - especially if you are out. Let her wonder what you are up to & if she asks, did you go out - tell the truth, but in a rather vague way. Yes, for a drink/for dinner. Oh, who with. Oh, just some friends..etc.

Also, try not to worry too much about what she may be doing or thinking. Keep pressing ahead with your own stuff. Shame about the support group. Hope that one gets going again....

[G8r]

Thank you for your take on my question Sotto. I tend to agree with your take. I think part of me is just looking for some hope from her to latch to. Despite doing my own things for myself and D3, it still remains very hard to not think about her and have hope of R.

I've gotten pretty good at not responding right away although it can be hard if she knows I'm on my phone. A lot of our communication occurs via FB IM. FB let's you know whether someone is active or how long it's been since they were active.

[Mona52]

G8r,

I will give you my take, but before i do...

It does not matter one little bit what she thinks you are doing. Dont worry about how she is interpreting anything. Even if she had a camera on you 24/7 she would think whatever she wants to think. You cant battle that. By you taking any energy to worry about that is a losing battle and only you will get hurt because you are the only one who knows there is even a battle.

Trying to figure out what they are thinking is mind-reading and we ALWAYS get it wrong.

Now, this is the bad part, she is seeing you with OW so she does not have to feel guilty about seeing OM. It has NOTHING to do with you. You cant change it or stop it. Just ignore anything she says. If you defend yourself, you will push her away. Just be vague about your plans and DONT worry about it.

FB is great at telling them when you are active, but pretend they cant see that. Figure out what a good limit is for you. For example, set a firm limit of never answering her in less than 4 hours. Play on FB on your phone during that time all you want. Ignore that feature. If she says anything, just stick with the fact you were busy. Thats it.

It would be even better if you could set a limit of next day. You have to do what is comfortable for you.

Soon you really will be too busy to answer her right away.

Next, line up plans so you can quit spending time worrying about her and more time thinking about your awesome life and all the good things that you are doing with it!

[G8r]

Thank you Mona52. I suspected as much and was thinking simarly, it really helps to hear you and Sotto confirm because it removes any doubt when I hear it from others.

WW is gone for the weekend. Seems like she is giving me the DB txt and going dark. Don't know where she went and I don't really care. Gives me the space I need without being a hassle for me. I told her a while back that if she wanted space to feel free to move out but that was a no go. She insisted that I should leave. I refused which made her feel trapped so I am where I am.

Taking D3 to trivia tonight. Not sure what we're going to do tomorrow yet. Kind of depends on the weather.

[G8r]

Nice start to the day. Took D3 and the dog to the dog park this morning. Much easier than taking them both for a walk in the neighborhood.

Although I'm thinking about what my WW is doing this weekend, I'm having trouble with thinking about future. I know WW saw a L 8 days ago and she wants D. The ABA L referral service wasn't what I expected so I'll need to find a few on the Internet to call. This unknown and a future without my W feels scary right now.

[G8r]

Heard a knock at the door today while D3 is taking a nap. Didn't answer it because I figured it was a process server with my walking papers. Now I'm asking myself why I delayed the inevitable. I'm hoping that my W comes out of her fog but the reality is that I need to come out of my fog, let go and move on. Feeling very sad and overwhelmed right now. Just glad D3 is still taking a nap.