Help..I am drowning

[rich4j]

Sounds great...looking forward to reading it this weekend while she is out of town

Maybe i dont want her to read it too!

[G8r]

Cadet 2nd Wonka's opinion that you shouldn't share the book. W might think you're trying to manipulate her.

[rich4j]

Good advice. I interpret stuff like her wanting to maybe read it like "hey...another sign of hope". I got to get off that train fast....its not healthy.

She is gone all weekend with visiting friends who are not the best influence. One is going thru a divorce from her husband who has been an alcoholic for years and she is finally breaking free but she is in my wife's ear all the time about "make yourself happy" And her other friend visiting is single and they will be all about supporting her which is expected. Can't control that stuff and can worry about it but not worth it anymore.

[rich4j]

Almost folded this am and put up the white flag of DB'ing. Started reading last night...

So hard. My wife is going out of town tonight with my young daughter then going dropping her off and heading to her girlfriend who is divorcing for the weekend.

I wanted to again say "let's really give this another shot with counseling and not give up".

So damn hard. I got to get out of this pattern and rut.....

[Cadet]

Re-read my last post to you about sharing the information you learn here.

Sorry you are struggling, it will get better for you,
keep posting here and learning

[rich4j]

thx cadet

I did read a post about Sandi's rules and I did post/ask about sending articles to her on the impact of divorce and especially on children. Seems that's a bad idea with DB'ing

Its just she has the blinders up about how resilient kids are and she was a kid of divorce and she is fine....NOT! I hate the resilient stuff My therapist (and formerly hers) was chuckling when I said this as divorce always impacts children in a negative way no matter how good you co parent and try to make things ok for them

Some of these articles cite facts about this and how divorce impacts kids.

"You shouldn't stay together just for the kids". B.S...you should and it should be a reason you try whatever it takes to get thru the fog and make it work

Of course, I am biased (and struggling)

[ATPeace]

Hi rich4j

I am in an in house separation and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

Now I am not the best person to give advice but one thing I am doing is spending as much time as I can with my children building as strong emotional connection with my kids.

I have been given so much great advice and when it comes to reading other people's threads you can pick up so much from doing this.

One of the things that I found helpful is knowing that you cannot control people and even in a marriage you hope they will stay and you believe they will but there is no guarantee after time people do change and sometimes there is nothing you can do to stop this.....none of us want this and will do anything to turn back time

Detach and gal ...I just wish I could take my own advice

Take care and be strong

Ghost

[rich4j]

AtPeace----wow...that's hard. Seems you have had the same amount of time in the house as i have in separate bedrooms and the struggle. I went into the other BR in August and been there since....D talk started a few weeks ago.

I am trying. She has another interest, not a person, but a business venture that is her love and focus now She practically ignores the daughter alot when she is at home and buries herself in the office. Daughter has noticed and even at a young age brought it up

Legal stuff has started as she is asking for all our financial stuff to get this moving. I will make it as peaceful as I can and try not to pull out the begging card ever again.

[sandi2]

"You shouldn't stay together just for the kids". B.S...you should and it should be a reason you try whatever it takes to get thru the fog and make it work

If you were bound by law to a woman you could not stand to be near, much less feel loving emotions........would you want to trapped in a M with her for the rest of your life, simply b/c there were kids? (I am not arguing with you, I am giving you her WW VP). Would you stay in a loveless and sexless M until the day you died? If you were forced to live a person who constantly showed you hate and disrespect in public, before your friends & relatives, and your children, would you want to spend your entire life with her? Some day those kids will be gone, then it's just the two of you...........do you still stay with this person you don't even like, for the adult kids' sake? This is how she feels.

When a man gets in the pulpit about staying in a M for the sake of the kids, I tend to think it's b/c he is still in love with the woman and wants to find some way of making her stay in the M. "How can she do this to the kids"? But if he puts the shoe on his foot and pictures being with a person he couldn't stand, he might give a different answer. And, if she has an OM waiting in the wings, she resents her H and being M to him more than ever. She sees staying for the sake of the kids as entrapment and preventing her from taking her only chance at true happiness.

So, that argument won't fly with her. I will be honest enough to tell you that I don't know that I could stay in a miserable M just for someone else's sake. And I have seen some M's that it was better for the kids when the S's divorced (but I'm not saying that is true for yours). I may be the only person on the board who will admit it, but look around at 50% of divorces, and you'll know that someone else feels that way, too. I am just being real with you. At times, it almost sounds a little sanctimonious to hear the LBS saying that the other S should stay in the M to them b/c of the kids. Probably did not win any friends by making that statement. Just trying to get people to realize how it sounds to the ears of the other person, and to stop and think how you might feel if things were reversed. Point being, don't say it to her and expect her to change her mind. You can't guilt her back into loving you. Maybe that is why your C responded in that manner, b/c it's almost like LBS script. Btw, I am saying this for whoever reads this post, not just for you.

Changing the subject just a bit, I wanted to tell you that it is pointless to say something to her about reading M books, or reconsidering working on the M, etc. Why? Well, this is what I see in a lot of newcomer LBH'S. He seems to think his WW still desires to share a life with him. Her feelings have changed. She no longer wants him or the M. What he may have done previously to patch up rough patches in the MR, will not work this time. She is wayward. He will probably experience more coldness, rudeness, hatefulness, selfishness, and almost every negative attitude & behavior from his WW that is humanly possible. I can almost guarantee that he will, if he tries to persuade her, and/or show how much he loves her and is working to keep her where she doesn't want to be. However, if he takes a different approach, everything could change.

Here's the catch. She has to believe that he no longer is interested in her. I don't mean he should act mad. Being angry shows that he still cares. Hanging on, chasing after her, being all emotional in front of her, and laying down for her to step on him......shows her that he still wants her. It shows her he is emotionally attached to her. The minute she feels him detach, (and she'll know when he really does), she will start pursuing him. Oh yeah, the real catch is that he has to actually detach, in order for her to believe it. When he detaches and moves forward, she sees him being more attractive and she sees she has put him out there on the dating market. That little detail causes her to stop and rethink her plan.

[rich4j]

Sandi2

Thanks for the note. Stay together forever for the kids? Horrible marriage . Nope..I agree. I was on the pulpit as I want to save my M and everyone's story is different. The "horrible" marriage in the views of our therapist wasn't that horrible and deifnitely areas she sees alot that can be healed. But that is my biased view. My point in my situation is that she is throwing in the towel too early but that is out of my control.

I agree on the last few paragraphs. I am coming around....i have nothing to lose with the DR approach. If I sit around like a wounded puppy dog I am more unattractive to her than I am now. This board is helping me on my down days to get back up .....I hope I can do it.