When I told a very close friend I was ready to walk he told me that available women over 40 outnumber available men over 40 like 5-1. He said don't think for a second you won't be swarmed with opportunity. He said I'd mourn the loss then I'd have the time of my life back out there. A small part of me was looking forward to that. Yet another thing that snapped my wife out of her crap.
Although I love her and we are reconciling, I still doubt our future sometimes. When I truly started detaching and moving on a seed was planted in me. A seed that is still there and growing. For the first 26 years of our marriage I never questioned us and doubted if I should stay or leave my wife. Now I think about that all the time and know that I can leave her and I'll be fine.
I may still walk. She may still walk. Right now today I have no plans to walk but now I know that nothing is guaranteed in life. This pure woman that was the most virtuous human being I knew laid with another man probably over 100 times. Did things with him that she swore to me were disgusting and repulsive and she would never do.
I have to live with that....or I don't. I'm still working that out.
Enjoy when you finally drop the bomb. You deserve your own b-day. I remember when I announced I was done and saw the look of terror in her face. Do I feel guilty about taking pleasure in that look? Nope, not for a second. I'd have to terrorize her like that every day for a year to come close to how badly she hurt me.
Do I love her? Yes. She's a good person, smart, funny, attractive, blah blah blah. The mother of our kids. My life partner. Can I live without her. Oh yeah. Knowing that made all the difference.
