Late to the game-2

[TxHubby]

Tx, I agree with that philosophy. If I had known about A sooner, maybe blowing it up would have helped. I only found out about it last week. It's too late now for many reasons. Mostly, because W is filing soon. Partly, because I can't imagine ever wanting to be near her again.
There is something that crossed my mind tonight. I'll throw it out there if anyone wants to comment.
When BD occurred, W was insistent that we both needed help for our issues separately before we could work on our M. I agreed with this at the time. Early on, she was supportive in finding therapist and seemed interested in how it was going. Then, her interest in the therapist sessions suddenly stopped. It was at that point where she could no longer look me in the eyes when speaking to me. I mean she would look away and seemingly talk to the wall while I was standing right in front of her. I never figured out why, until tonight. I think that is when the A started. I think that the fact that she could not look me in the eyes was pure guilt over what she had begun and her hatred of me for causing her to do it.
When I came home today, W was standing near the front door. I could not look at her. I looked away and walked by her without a word. I didn't mean to do this purposely, it just happened.
I think the reason I reacted that way is because I now hate her.
I hate what she has done, I hate the choices she has made, and I hate that she is in the same home that I am in as I type this. I hate that since BD, I did everything I possibly could to learn and correct the issues that bothered her, with zero response or interest from her. I hate the fact that I cannot sleep or eat. I hate the fact that I had to pay someone to find out that my W had sex with OM today.
And most of all, I hate that my kids have been watching all of this play out for 8 months and neither myself or my W have spoken about it to them. We all just go to bed every night, quietly suffering in different rooms.
Tx, you might be right that she doesn't know what she wants.
I know what I want now.
I want to hurt her emotionally and financially to the fullest extent that the law will allow. I want my children to have a parent that they can respect and i want them to know that I tried my best to keep our family together.
I want to be able to sleep more than 2 ambien induced hours in a row and eat without throwing up.
I want this divorce.

It's cool. For a lot of people infidelity is a deal breaker. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with that. If you have truly decided you're done then that should be a big weight off your shoulders. If I was you I'd lawyer up and file first. List infidelity as one of the reasons provide your proof. Even in a no-fault divorce state judges will be more kind to the betrayed spouse as far as division of assets. It will also make her despicable deeds public record. You're done with the relationship so you shouldn't care either way. You just want friends/family/community to know the truth about the dissolution of the marriage.

The fact that this situation still plagues your sleep suggests maybe you're not as "done" with the marriage as you think. Ask yourself, and be brutally honest, if she came to you on her knees and said I'm done with all my bad behavior, I want to start new, and I love you and want to work this out, would you still be done?

If so then that's cool, it's a decision that you finally have power over since you've realized you didn't have any power over these things that happened to you. That was all her.

Know this, if you are a stand-up guy, loving, caring, sweet, stay in shape, keep a steady job, etc. then you will have no problem whatsoever with the ladies. Life is too short to eat all this sh!t sometimes. We all have our limit. Maybe you've found yours. Good luck.

[mutatio]

Free, TxHubby just nailed it when he said " If I was you I'd lawyer up and file first. List infidelity as one of the reasons provide your proof. Even in a no-fault divorce state judges will be more kind to the betrayed spouse as far as division of assets. It will also make her despicable deeds public record."

IF your truly done, file, don't even tell her, let her be served at work.

[Free]

Thanks to you both.
As far as filing first, my L is against it. According to him, it makes no difference who files first. Whoever files first determines the jurisdiction of the case only. Since we both live in the same house, it doesn't matter who files.
Whoever files pays the extra fees to the court. We'll let her do it and deduct it from her retainer.
The biggest factor is my kids. I don't want them to ever think that I files first.
When she files, she must list a reason to divorce me. I can't wait to see what they come up with. Then I will respond.
My response will include photo's and recordings of her. This will be my counter to her filing. It will be the first time she is aware that I knew about OM and it will all be public record for everyone to see.
It may or may not make a difference with a judges ruling when they determine character of each parent regarding custody request. I'm not banking on this, but the info I have may only hurt her now. My L has seen it play on certain judges sympathy levels.
Tx, If she ever pleaded for me to take her back, i would have to think long and hard about it. After everything that has happened, I will never again say never about anything.
Right now, I need to get away from her and prepare for the upcoming battle.

[Free]

Tx,
This experience has made me feel humiliated and my self worth is sh!t right now.
It will be a while, a long while, before I would even consider being in a new relationship with anyone.
This is the hardest situation I have ever been in, but I know it will pass. Everything does with time. And when that happens, I'll continue on with life knowing that I have learned lessons from past mistakes.
I will not be alone forever and I have a lot to offer someone that will happily reciprocate.
I met a man at the gym and we talk a lot. He is a liitle older than me and divorced. Over time, I told him my story with W. He smiled and said "It will get bad, and then it will be great". He pointed out that most people at my gym are divorced or separated. He asked me to walk the gym and look at the ring fingers of the women between 40-50 years old. I did. 23 women, 4 wedding rings.
He told me his move. Get to know them and say hello. Work out side by side with them until the day that they say more than hello. Then, shut up and listen. They will tell you their whole life story in 10 minutes or less. I have seen him do it. He's not even listening to them, he just nods his head from time to time.
This guy is a player and he makes me laugh. I would not pick up the way he does, but it proves to me that there are plenty of fish in the sea.
When this is all over, I will host tryouts for Team Free.

[TxHubby]

When I told a very close friend I was ready to walk he told me that available women over 40 outnumber available men over 40 like 5-1. He said don't think for a second you won't be swarmed with opportunity. He said I'd mourn the loss then I'd have the time of my life back out there. A small part of me was looking forward to that. Yet another thing that snapped my wife out of her crap.

Although I love her and we are reconciling, I still doubt our future sometimes. When I truly started detaching and moving on a seed was planted in me. A seed that is still there and growing. For the first 26 years of our marriage I never questioned us and doubted if I should stay or leave my wife. Now I think about that all the time and know that I can leave her and I'll be fine.

I may still walk. She may still walk. Right now today I have no plans to walk but now I know that nothing is guaranteed in life. This pure woman that was the most virtuous human being I knew laid with another man probably over 100 times. Did things with him that she swore to me were disgusting and repulsive and she would never do.

I have to live with that....or I don't. I'm still working that out.

Enjoy when you finally drop the bomb. You deserve your own b-day. I remember when I announced I was done and saw the look of terror in her face. Do I feel guilty about taking pleasure in that look? Nope, not for a second. I'd have to terrorize her like that every day for a year to come close to how badly she hurt me.

Do I love her? Yes. She's a good person, smart, funny, attractive, blah blah blah. The mother of our kids. My life partner. Can I live without her. Oh yeah. Knowing that made all the difference.

[Free]

Tx,
Wow. Everything you said has gone through my mind in the last week. Conflicting thoughts are constantly there.
I do not think of myself as a quitter. I just know me well enough to know that I could not live with the thoughts of what she has done.
It would haunt me forever. Maybe it is pride? Jealousy?
In a perfect world, none of this would have ever happened. Nothing is perfect and nothing is forever. All innocence is gone.
I will not lie. I am a mess over this and it is because I still love my wife. I'm sure you learned long ago that it's possible to love and hate your W at the same time. The love I have for her will always be there. My problem is that the hate will always be there too. I'm not strong enough to get past this.
Someday, forgiveness may happen. Forgetting the details of what I have learned would be near impossible.
Maybe you are emotionally stronger than me? Maybe your love for your W is stronger than mine?
Whichever it is, I am happy that you are in a place where you have a choice in your M.
As far as dating, yeah... It is intriguing. I've met some new female friends both at the gym and through other friends. It has entered my mind since BD.
Right now, dating is not on my radar but I would be lying if I said I'm not looking forward to it.
Variety is the spice of life, right?
First things first. I need to get out of this with enough dough to at least have a mean bachelor pad.

[Free]

Tx, I read your story. This paragraph sticks out for me.

I've evolved from hating cheaters with ever fiber of my being to trying to understand what was going on in their head that would allow them to break the most sacred vow I think a person can make in their lifetime...

I have thought about this often this week. I've gone from "How could she do this?" to "Why did she do this?"
Can't explain it, but I need to know.

[Free]

I forgot to mention, Operation Snoop was completed yesterday and will not continue. If adultery was a crime, I have the evidence to put her away for life.
For anyone here on the fence about hiring a PI, here is my advice.
- Be ready to hear anything. From nothing, to your worst nightmares.
- Have the PI gather all of the intel first before telling you. I was given this option, or the real time option. I chose poorly.
- A good PI is worth their weight in gold. It is pricey, but they are thorough whether you like what they find or not.

My PI reported everything to me with zero emotion. Just the facts. It occurred to me that this man does this for a living and sees this everyday.
It is amazing how common this is and how many people make high paying careers out of it.
Really, it is just sad.

[TxHubby]

It's good to get your money's worth. I feel good that I won't have to ever hire a PI to gather intel on my wife. She was already busted cheating and there is no second chance. I told her if I ever have any reason to believe she's cheating again that I'll walk instantly. No need for PI, if I thought I needed one that would be all it would take for me to walk.

Everybody deserves a second chance, nobody deserves a third.

[Free]

Everyone does deserve a second chance, if they learn from their mistakes the first time around and ask for forgiveness. No one is perfect.
The way I see it now, my W was unhappy for a long time. She resented things that I did and said for years, without saying a word to me about it. Not a word. She held on to these resentments until she could not take it anymore. She eventually blamed me for everything that has ever gone wrong in her world.

We have both made mistakes. Every married couple does.
My W had options.
She could have told me that she was unhappy. She could have said that we needed to go to MC.
Instead, she quietly had an affair while she told me that she was unsure about our M. The truth is, she asked for space to sample life with OM. The whole time that she told me that she was unsure, she was with him.
Also, she lied to me. I had asked her if there was an OM soon after BD. She said no.
From an outsiders point of view, I look at this and say "of course she lied. Cheaters won't admit what they are doing."
From the LBH point of view, my view, I can never get past this. I could never trust her again. I fully understand why she lied, but I choose to not live with that.
Does my W deserve a second chance? Yes, but she will not get it. The continued lies, dishonesty, betrayal of trust and lack of remorse will never let me do it.
Maybe it was a mistake, but I asked her again today if there was someone else. With the typical blank, cold, non eye contact response, she calmly said no. It just reaffirmed my decision to end our M.
Her tune may change when the audio and video evidence surfaces in my response to the D filing. Or maybe it won't. Who knows.
It was a weird day today. I do not see her as my W anymore. She is just an enemy now. Someone that I will soon battle in court for high stakes.
I'll always have regrets for my share of the marital problem we've had. I have zero regret on getting divorced. That is fully on her as I had no say in it.