I disagree. I don't think asking for a "no contact letter" is pursuing or controlling. It's just a smart way for Trumpet's wife to put her money where her mouth is (when she said "I choose you").
With a wayward wife is this kind of situation (where the betrayed husband already made it apparent they weren't going to kick her to the curb where she'd have to fight to get back in the home/family/marriage) there is seldom - "she came to me remorseful and regretful and apologetic for the affair, at rock bottom and looking to do anything and everything she can to save the marriage".
Your wife has no idea how to end her EA. She knows she has too but at the same time doesn't want to give it up entirely. She's negotiating with herself, with you and with OM about how she can juggle both. Her reaction to the suggestion and requirement of a "no contact letter" is telling....so asking wasn't a waste of time or effort. It told YOU where you are in this process.
Begging for a "No Contact" letter would be over the top. Asking and then getting mad/angry/upset when she behaves like the typical wishy washy wayward would also be over the top. But neither of you have done this before so just naturally knowing what to do or when to ask certain questions isn't going to work and then you end up in recovery situations where "no contact" is presumed - no one is accountable to anyone and since the 3rd party is still involved - the recovery fails.
The gesture of a "no contact" letter is the first step to actual "no contact". I puts OM on notice that he's been pushed aside and de-prioritized by the wayward wife. It lets him know that when push comes to shove - the ww is going to choose her family over him so he might as well move on (even if she comes begging back for him). I have seen numerous incidents where the OM just lashes out at the WW revealing that he was just playing her for sex anyway and didn't truly ever care about her or revealing that he has several other married and unmarried women to continue to keep him happy so good luck with your husband. Not that you write the "no contact" letter hoping OM will react like that but you never know....OM's like to play macho-man and act all PUA Alpha dog that would never pursue a woman that rejects them.
It's also very often "rock bottom" itself for the wayward. Sending that letter is an admission that they were wrong - that the affair was wrong - and that they really do need to live up to their words (written in black and white on that paper). It's an admission that OM was a mistake and that they actually do love their spouse which is so contrary to what they've been saying to themselves for so long.
You don't have to hide step one from your wife waiting for her to come to the conclusion herself. You are way to far into this situation to be playing that game. Pursue - distance is a strategy of attraction but it's not an overriding life principle. Truth and honesty ARE (especially when you have sins of your own). Be aware of pursue-distance stuff but don't let it dictate common sense.
On that note - other than not telling her about your thread here on DB, any attorney advice or what your friends and family are really saying about her - don't lie to her. She has a right to ask where you are going - just as she has a right to ask what's in your computer history or what's in your briefcase. Besides - telling her what a full and interesting day you have going on IS attractive. Casually invite her along perhaps without any reaction if she says no.
Truth/Honesty/History - the foundation of recovery.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
