More and more, and less and less...

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I'm not suggesting this or recommending it....just some food for thought or discussion but what if you waited even longer to date seriously and/or remarry?

I think the one year rule you discussed and read about it a good start because it's something tried and true that it likely easier to get a betrayed husband (in particular) to grab onto and hold fast too INSTEAD of instinctually running out there and acting like the stereotypically horny drunk philandering PUA OR alternatively, running out and marrying the first girl that shows interest in him to prove to his ex-wife and family that he is indeed worthy of love.

There are other marriage counselors and professionals that feel you should stay single for 1 year for every 5 years of marriage so if you were married 15 years, that would mean deliberately giving yourself a 3 year pressure free window of individual recovery.

Personally, I feel it depends on the situation. Truly one year is absolutely a minimum. Way to many issues that first year from dating to early often destroys any last vestiges of any chance at recovery (because the betrayed spouse isn't interested anymore) to it's completely unfair to the person you date because you simply aren't ready or healthy enough to date as an individual. In truth, sad recently divorced men at super attractive to lonely and unstable women. IMO, these relationships built upon pain and hurt rarely work out.

In your situation Zues, for the limited amount I've seen on just this thread, I read that your wife is bringing around OM1, OM2....OM12 around the children. I read that your children are as young as 4 years old. I empathize for them and for you having to endure that. Because of your wife's behavior, maybe it would be best for your children if you waited even longer than 1 year. Again, I'm not saying you have to ethically or morally wait even 1 year but your children have a mother that is and will likely continue for years to prioritize her happiness over her children's well being and happiness. Wouldn't it be great for your kids if they had a father that did (and modeled) something different? That THEY were your priority OVER your happiness and a parade of girlfriends (or a step mom). Not that you can't be happy and single. This might also include dating when you don't have custody but just keeping that part of your life private and separate. How long you maintain such will depend on the facts and circumstances of all your relationships - but probably the youngest daughter being the most important (meaning - if your youngest was already 14 - well by the time they are 17-18 and almost off to college they pretty much are in their own world and would WANT you to date and not focus so much attention on them). Your youngest is 4 - if your were her attorney arguing on her behalf about whether you should date or focus on her - what do you think the attorney would argue? Then - revisit that fictional attorney each year and maybe when the kids is in middle school openly dating by you won't be an issue anymore or she's super mature and begging you to date by age 8. Also, if you date behind the scenes and become wholly convinced that your "girlfriend" is the one and making it legitimate (marrying her) becomes a priority.....THEN, maybe you short cut the process while carefully modeling to your children appropriate dating/courting/engagment/marriage behavior (which, again, is particularly important in your situation since your wife ISN'T modeling such AND you can see how your (and societies) attitudes about relationships and marriages led to you marrying a woman who's priority wasn't her family and children over her own happiness.

I'm certainly not telling you how to live. Just some food to chew on. I doubt I could have done what I'm discussing had I divorced. I was a player before I married the hottest girl in town and I probably would have reverted rather than repented had I ended up divorced over a decade ago.

Another side issue - I have seen MANY miraculous marital recoveries years after a divorce. Rarely do they initially come back fully repentant and remorseful. That usually involves a process and I believe, strong male leadership. But getting involved with other women usually nips any chance of that happening in the bud. I'm not suggesting you hold out on other woman until some date that you are done with your ex-wife. You can be done and like you said in a post above that door can be reopened. It can't be if your engaged or remarried to someone else.

Another issue - child predators target women like your wife with young children. If you are off dating and focusing on your own happiness you might miss some signs here and there that your children are suffering or being abused. You might not - of course, but between a job, hobbies and being a dad managing his own household and caring for children 50% of the time, things are more likely to get by you if you have a girlfriend in the mix. Then add in that girlfriends may act one way but if and when you marry them you are taking a vow to forsake them above all others - which includes your children. What if you great girlfriend becomes a evil step mom??? Teenage girls (which your 4 year old will become) have difficulty enough with their own mothers let alone mixing in a step mom. You better be sure everyone is on board before you go marrying someone - which is why waiting until they are much older MIGHT be the best practice.

In the end - YOU MATTER and a healthy happy father is what's ultimately best for you and your children. But being a divorced father of a 4 year old little girl is different than being a divorced father of adult children or even teenage children.


Final thought - you started this thread titling it basically - "I believe in God - more and more and less and less.". As your struggle with your losses and coming to grips with your new identity as a divorced man and divorced father, please realize that He is still there with you. You remain His child with all the capabilities, strengths and weaknesses that you ever had. You can find who you are and have always been in Him. Let His light wash over and vanquish the darkness you are feeling. You've been very wise so far to realize the answers you seek for you identity don't rest in the arms of loose women willing to jump in bed with a divorcing/recently divorced man. You've also straightened up some other important priorities in your life (like being an involved 50% parent/father). Perhaps your continuing uncomfortableness is God knocking on your door wanting more of a priority in Him out of you? It wouldn't hurt your children to see one of their parents also lead and model a more Godly life and existence so that, should the events and circumstances of their lives (and their children's lives) take a dark turn - they will know to lean on and into Him to figure out who they are and how they survive. Life for the hope that is in Him such that your children have hope also.

I'm getting a bit discursive now so I'll wrap this up. I remember vividly looking in on my children sleeping while my wife was running around wayward and wondering was what to become of us and them. I am so grateful that God saw to it that my wife discovered the gift of repentance and that I discovered that also in our journey toward marital and individual recovery. I haven't been where you are....but I imagined it and it terrified me. Thank you for being here healthily sharing your struggles (instead of at a bar (pool hall - lol) drowning them in drunkenness and shallow carousing).