Ugghhh, have I mentioned this is hard?

[SciDad]

Thank you all for commenting. I wish I could respond faster, but I needed to keep this board off my phone last night. My plan was to ask to look at her phone while I gave her mine to look at. I don't like keeping secrets, and for that reason I have nothing to hide. Let her ask about my texts to coworkers (not intentional, but all are female). Let her see the apps I use, games I play.

Free, I have already snooped and found damning evidence. I never used it directly and don't think I will, but I could very easily ruin both of their lives. But I won't, because I don't want to waste my energy on something that will only give me short-term satisfaction. Yeah, I could get the OM fired, but my wife might be collateral damage. How would it help things if my wife becomes unemployed? Would that help my kids any? I know the answer to that.

So back to my transparency plan. My rationale for looking at her phone is simple. If I find something on her phone, I won't feel compelled to play PI and track her movements. I will KNOW something is up. And she will know I know. It would then be up to her to decide what the next move is. Go deeper into hiding interactions with the OM? Cut all ties? Try to alleviate my fears? All up to her, and not really my concern. It's selfish, but I need closure. Otherwise I can see myself setting up a sting (probably with my kids in the car, not realizing what I'm doing) to confront them. Not at all an image I want to leave my kids with. They need to love their mother, even if she has made horrible decisions. I, on the other hand, do not.

Flip side - what if I find nothing? Possibility 1 - I find nothing because there is nothing to find. She has been distant because she pulled away from the OM and is in mourning. Don't really think this is the case, but my analytical mind likes to consider every scenario. If she claims this is the case, I will push the issue and talk absolute no contact. No facebook, phone numbers, apps, etc. And I will continue to randomly monitor with her permission. Yes this is invasive and may feel degrading to my wife. But her actions with the OM have the same effect on me. And I know we can't ever recover until I start trusting her.

Other possibility (most likely in my mind) - she stopped all affair activity with the OM, but is trying to remain friends with him. This is the hardest for me to deal with directly. In this case, all I can say is that even if she wants to work on our relationship we will be thwarted at every turn by her interactions with the OM. And for that reason, I will need to cool my reconciliation activities. But rather than completely distancing myself from her I'd need to play it a little different and get her less dependent on the friendship of the OM. To some degree, I can fill that void. But realistically, she needs and deserves more. More friends, more emotional outlets, less isolation.

My action plan - get my wife to GAL. She needs to realize that she doesn't NEED ANYONE to feel happy. SHE has control of her destiny, should she choose it. Neither the OM or me will keep her fulfilled forever if she doesn't identify what she wants/needs and then start getting her needs met. She needs more female friends in the area. We both do. So I'm starting things off by being an example and trying to find friends on my own. Trying new churches. Trying Meetup. Figuring out what is a safe way to meet people. It shouldn't be this hard, but I struggle to make REAL friends. I am friendly and have lots of acquaintances, but I realized during the BD that I only have very few REAL friends. My wife is worse than me and must feel absolutely isolated. I don't want her feeling that way.

Anyone have thoughts on this? Looking for a discussion or criticism or affirmation. Really anything at this point because this is really an attempt to apply DB techniques in a different way and I'd like to know what has worked, why things might not work, etc before I start down this path.